adult daughter w/ no job, no education

[anonymous]

My stepsister(27) still lives at home. I don't see how my dad puts up with her. She's always been very withdrawn, never coming to see family even on holidays. My stepmother never knows until last minute if my stepsister will be coming for Thanksgiving and Christmas and my stepsister lives with Dad & Stepmom. She's just in her own little world and doesn't speak to many people. Right now my stepsister has no job and isn't going to college. My stepmother is just so happy to have her daughter living at home that she doesn't push the issue of getting her to do something with her life. This is really getting to my dad. He has told Stepmom many times that my stepsister needs to do something with her life. Stepmom says its too hard for her to work or go to college and then Stepmom will start crying and having this pity party for her daughter. Why is too hard for my stepsister to do something with her life? According to Stepmom, because stepsis's father abandoned her she's had a hard life. My stepsister sleeps all day(like til 5PM) and then goes out partying with her friends. She has been diagnosed with mild depression, but is on medication for it. I don't see why she can't get a job and keep it. When she does get a job, it never lasts long cause she can't keep the job cause she sleeps so late and doesn't show up for work. My dad really wants my stepsister out of his house, but he says he can't do anything about it cause of my stepmother. He says many times that if my stepsister were his daughter, things would be totally different. He's been in her life since she was 13 and is a father figure to her, and i think he has every right to say what is allowed in his house. He says if he pushed this issue, my stepmother would never forgive him for kicking out her daughter. Stepmom really babies her daughter, and her own family has said so and so has my dad's family. Stepmom tries so hard for people to like my stepsister. She pushes her on everyone, and gets upset if people don't think her daughter is the most wonderful person on earth. My stepsister can be nice, and I've never really had any conflict with her. My problem with her is how she treats and takes advantage of my dad and how she won't grow up and become a mature woman.

My dad is so fed up. He has paid for so much for my stepsister without her even saying thank you. He paid for her car, for her to go & fail out of college(we're talking $30,000), he paid for her to live in an apartment for awhile, ect. My dad has said that if my stepsister wrecks the car he bought her, he won't be buying another one and she's on her own. My stepmother doesn't think this is fair. My dad and stepmom now fight all the time about my stepsister. My dad feels like he is only there to provide financially for my stepmother and stepsister. I am still in college, and my dad has helped me out with tuition, but he's never paid for everything for me and I don't expect it. When my dad has given me money for college I am always appreciative, unlike my stepsister who just expects to be given money and to live with my dad & stepmom without any responsibilities. My stepsister doesn't even help around the house, and my stepmom just excuses all of this with "she's had a hard life". I really feel for my dad. I've learned to just keep my mouth shut about this, at least around my stepmother. If you even bring up the subject about my stepsister around my stepmother she'll verbally attack you and start screaming. My dad will talk to me about this issue though. He vents all the time to me about my stepsister and I can see how miserable he is. My dad is so afraid that my stepsister will never leave and will be living with him when she's 30, 40, ect. I just wonder what will it take for my stepmother to realize that her daughter is affecting her marriage to my dad.

 

[dee]

A "hard life"

is not having parents, living in foster homes, losing everything in Katrina, living with drugs and guns, being sexually abused, being beaten, etc.

Your step-mom is not only enabling, but a co-dependent to your step-sister.

Your father is correct in that he is there to provide $. His wife is not doing the daughter any good.

You know all this. The only thing you can suggest to your dad is to go for counseling. You can help by finding someone for him to go to. Insurance usually covers a certain number of visits. Offer to go with him to find the right one (make sure it's someone he clicks with). Doesn't have to be marraige counseling, just personal counseling for him to learn how to manage his feelings. If nothing else, this guidance may help him see the light, perhaps get step-mom into therapy, etc.

 

[MrsM]

I disagree about counseling for the dad, I think he knows what to do but is afraid he'll lose his wife over it. It's possible. That's one of the risks in making a blended family. One of the things I loved about my husband is that he's always said, "18 and out!" Of course, full-time college students wouldn't have to be out.

Your dad is the only one that can make this choice, and he has to either live with it how it is, or set a move-out date and live with the results. Maybe the girl will move out and the wife will settle down. Maybe the girl and the wife will move out. The girl has never been made to grow up, so it's more fun not to. That wouldn't happen in my world. In fact, all 3 of my stepkids moved out of our house at 18 (or younger) to go live with their mom because she will do the same, allow them to sponge off her and her husband.

 

[GB]

Ace in the Hole

It's your (step)parents fight. They are enabling her to live without consequences and without contributing to anyone but her own laziness. She's not going to change anything until made to do so. My husband's brother is sort of like this at age 25, always wanting something for nothing and very high pay for very little work. She's digging her own hole, because after a while, no one will hire her with such bad work experience. When there's no work and no parental help, she'll have to do something.

 

[anonymous]

stepsis

I know this is my dad & stepmom's fight. What gets me is that my dad thinks he's completely powerless and isn't in a position to make rules in HIS house. If someone was taking advantage of me like that I would stand up to them. But my dad has never been a person to stand up to people which is why he is in the position he is in now. I'm pretty sure my dad does think he will loose my stepmother if he makes my stepsister move out. No matter what my dad decides to do about my stepsister, I wonder about her future. I certainly won't help her after the way she's taken advantage of my dad, and she has no biological siblings. She and I are both only children. So I wonder what happens when Dad & Stepmom get older and retire and aren't there to provide the $$$ for my stepsister. I have an aunt like my stepsister who's almost 60 and is still borrowing money from my 87 year old grandmother. My grandmother is well-off, but the point is my aunt has lived her entire life living off other people, just like my stepsister has. My dad complains all the time about my aunt(his sister) and he himself has said that he thinks my stepsister is going to end up just like my aunt. I think he probably is right about that. My aunt has never been able to financially support herself, and I doubt my stepsister will be able to either. My dad has also said that the best thing for my stepsister to do is to get married so she'll have a husband to support her since she has no way of supporting herself. It would be great if she got married, but thats no guarantee that she'll be okay financially.

 

[JP]

adult kids

These situations where stepkids take advantage of their parent/stepparent are never good. I have a similiar situation, and first it was really bad, but in the end my family has turned out to be great. I have a stepbrother just like your stepsis. He used my dad and stepmother for money, and stepmom allowed this and never stood up to her son. My stepmother allowed her son to speak rudely and scream at my dad, and expected my dad to just willingly give my stepbrother money after he was treating my dad like garbage. After 10 years of marriage my dad had enough. He divorced my stepmother. Now my former stepmother and stepbrother live together and are barely making ends meet. Stepmom works, but not stepbrother. I wonder what will happen to them now that they no longer have my dad's money to live off. Stepmom was furious after the divorce settlement cause Dad got to keep all the property that he had BEFORE their marriage. Stepmom thought everything my dad had should be rightfully hers. Whats interesting is towards the end of my dad and stepmother's marriage, my dad starting becoming friends with my mom. They started going out to dinner, Dad started helping her with her house, ect. They become more friendly than I had ever seen them before. Five years ago my mom and dad remarried. It worked out great for me, but not for my former stepmother and stepbrother. My former stepmother of course hates my mother, and now my former stepmother is the ex-wife. Former stepmother calls my dad beggging for money and would curse out my mom. Got so bad that Mom and Dad had to get an unlisted number. Dad had no kids with former stepmother, so he has no obligation to provide for her and she hates that. But I love having my parents married again.