Am I too old to feel this way?

[Left out]

I'm having a social dilemma and feel like I'm in high school again. My husband and I are good friends with another couple we know from college. In fact, they are the ones that set us up. We've gone on trips together, and see each other all the time. I consider the woman (call her Jane) to be a good friend of mine, but there's a problem. Every time we go out, and she has other friends there besides me, she totally ignores me. It's like I don't exist.

This weekend really upset me. Our husbands planned a Halloween party together at a bar, and invited all their friends. I'm new to this area, and all my friends live hours away and couldn't come. But "Jane" and I were excited about the party, and even went shopping together for our costumes. But at the party, her friends showed up, and they excluded me from everything, like a scene from a bad teen movie. Literally, they ordered a pitcher of margaritas while I was sitting at the same table, but only got enough glasses for themselves. They even toasted each other, and I was the only one at the table without a drink to toast with! They snapped pictures of each other and did group pictures, but didn't ask me to be in any of them. I went to the restroom and said "Does anyone else need to go?" and they all said no. As I came out of the restroom, all five of them strolled by me to go in, giggling and said "I guess we do have to go!". The remainder of the night, they all disappeared to dance and left me to mingle with my husband's friends that I don't even know. I'm just really upset at Jane. I cried when I went home, and honestly can't remember a time in my adult life when I felt so left out.

The worst part is, Jane just emailed me and said we should go to dinner this week, like nothing is wrong. I hate that she treats me this way when her other friends are around. I've known her for years, but she treats me like a stranger around her other friends. I have no other girl friends where I live now, and she does this every time we go out. Ugh.

 

[Miss C]

You are not too old to feel this way. Emotions are emotions, and, oftentimes, we simply train ourselves out of recognizing feelings that are there. Sounds like you and "Jane" need to sit down and have a chat. Or maybe write her a letter. That's what I've done in a similar situation. Helps me organize my thoughts better. If you can't get it resolved, it may be time to make some new friends. Hugs to you. It's not easy to be in a situation like this. Let us know how it turns out!

 

[Giggles]

She probably doesn't realize

Honestly, I've been in that situation a hundred million times. I always feel like I'm being left out. Honestly, I think it's my own self - confidence.

I'm not a confrontational person - I hate approaching people - but, finally, I got up the nerve to say something to my friend. I approached it by saying - "I'm sure you're not doing this intentionally, but sometimes I feel as though........." And - It turned out she totally didn't mean to do what she had been doing, didn't realize she was doing it, didn't know I felt that way, felt bad, and then I felt stupid for thinking that way.......

one rule I've learned in life is to never assume anything and never take anything personal - I've been a much more confident, happy, and well adjusted person since I started repeating that to myself every day - or anytime I start feeling "left out"

 

[Dawn]

Excellent advice from the other posters

I can really feel your pain. And although it does feel like we should have outgrown such things, the emotional pain is still very real at any age. Talk it out with Jane. Giggles has given you a good "opener."

One other thing...some people (I am one of them) are not the most socially savvy. I always feel awkward introducing people. It feels stilted and never comes easily. In a big group, I sometimes avoid the introductions and just assume that everyone will assimilate and get to know each other without the formal introduction. Maybe Jane is like this...she doesn't realize that she is leaving you out; she assumes you are getting to know everyone else at the table.

One more thing. She suggests dinner this week. Ask her to tell you whether it will be you and she, or a whole group. At least then you will know what to expect and won't feel blindsided by the situation.

 

[kyteacher3]

Rude Friends - dont put up with it

Some people may feel that your friend "didnt realize she was doing it" but there's 2 pieces of information that you gave that make me wonder -- first -- ordering drinks and leaving you out -- obviously very rude -- then the bathroom thing -- again blantant rudeness with the comment that was made.

I have always been quiet and never said what was on my mind and there was a time I'd have sat there and let that episode play out just as you described but sometimes in our lives we have to stand up and realize our self worth and refuse to let people just treat us like crap and take it. It took a major falling out with a good friend to make me see that. I use to just let people hurt my feelings and never said anything but really - are friends like that worth it? I dont think so.

You mentioned Jane being your only friend - is she really a friend? I suggest you make other friends or plan some fun things to do with your husband and give her the cold shoulder for awhile. Dont continue to let her treat you this way. Tell her what you think and if she gets defensive and wants to argue then there you go - she isnt the friend you thought she was and let it go. If she is truly sorry about it then maybe you both can work this out. Good luck

 

[Newbie]

Agree with the last poster

I agree with kyteacher3. It's obviously rude to order drinks and have a glass for everyone but one person at the table. A good friend would notice when another was being left out.

I don't handle confrontation well, either, but the "adult" thing to do would be to discuss it with her. She needs to know how you feel. If she apologizes, great...That means she cares. If she seems to brush it off, then I would consider finding a new friend. I know that's easier said than done (I just moved, too, and don't know anyone other than coworkers), but I think that I would rather have no friends than be treated that way.

 

[Alicia]

Friends

I agree that your "friend's" behaviors were disrespectful and unacceptable as far as friendship is concerned. I would think that because you are new to the area, and you don't know anyone, she would go out of her way to include you and make you feel welcomed.

Maybe she feels that if you got too close to her friends, she may be left out. That may be a stretch of the imagination, but it may be true. Maybe she doesn't want to "share" her friends. If that were true, you're better off without her.

Unfortunately there are people in this world who aren't very respectful when it comes to social situations (and don't seem to realize it), but one would think that she would've included you when ordering drinks, etc.

Do you value your friendship with her? If so I would say something to her (even though confrontation can be difficult). If you can't do it face to face or on the phone, send her an email. Tell her that you were looking forward to the Halloween party but that you felt left out. Give her the specific examples you told us in your post. Remind her that you are new to the area, don't know anyone, and it would've been nice if she would've taken the initiative to include you...considering that she is friends with you and friends with the others.

If she doesn't respond well, or doesn't think there was a problem, then I would reconsider her as a friend.

Have you talked to your husband about it? You were obviously upset because you were crying, so it has affected you. Therefore I don't think you should just let it go.

Good luck. Friends are great, but it can be difficult at times too...

 

[teacherhi]

went thru same thing

I went thru the same thing. I introduced 2 of my teacher friends and they have left me out ever since. We would all go out and they would blatantly leave me out of the conversation. One thing I have learned is nobody can make you feel a certain way-only you have control of your emotions and can allow others to make you feel that way. It's easy to say-well just don't hang out with them. What are you supposed to do then-stay home and be bored? I'm a single person and I have tried the drop them thing and make new friends-I would rather go out then sit at home and sulk. I just don't let it bother me-and have my own fun while out. by the way-I am still friends with one of the two friends-the other one-just wasn't worth it. Sometimes you can't blow off some rudeness.