Am I too young to get married?

[Georgia]

Hi, my name is Georgia and I am 20 years old. I met my fiance back in January so we have been dating for almost a year. A couple of months ago he proposed to me and I said yes. I am an independent student in college and finance everything on my own. I have two sisters who married in there early twenties and are telling me I need to live more before I decide to jump into this. I already feel that independent part of me dying inside. I am scared because he is a really great guy but I just question if I have enough experience and I question if this is really what I want. I mean I still have many years of school left. He is older than me about 10 years and I sometimes feel that I have aged because of being with him. Even though I love him very much, I realize that that just isn't enough and I don't want to base a decision on that. I need some life and love advice I suppose.

 

[Tounces]

young

Listen to your sisters. If you're not sure you should wait. You are really young. Finish college and concentrate on your studies.

 

[wig]

If you are questioning, you need to wait. There should be no doubts, no questions in your mind when you marry, because despite the large number of divorces, marriage is supposed to be a life long committment.

I just noticed the ten year age difference. At your age that is significant. I strongly encourage you to finish school first.

 

[musicbug]

marriage

Georgia,
Please finish your education first. You have proven you can stand on your own. Don't put your self inthe postion where you settle before you meet some more of you goals. He's 10 years older,I'm guessing he's had some experience and now wants to settle down fast. If you got questions, don't set a date, tell him you want to wait until you finish school. If he's a really great guy he'll want you to achieve your dreams too, and wait for you. I'm sure you will do what's best for you. Good luck.

 

[Eydie]

Wait!!!

He was 9 years older....I dated him a year....was engaged another year.....got married then at 21....found out 10 month into the marriage that he had a YOUNGER girl friend.....seperated a year.....then legally divorced after another 6 months. I was then 24. Had not yet finished school because I took less courses while married and spent tuition money on my lawyer.

There were other issues with him being older....Like when he and his friends got together and discussed the past events and politics that I just wasn't really up on these issues since when he had experienced these things in his teens and early 20's I had been in grade school and not into current events!

Men at near and 30 seem to feel an urgency to get married and start families since they have finished their education have settled into their career and are in the next phase of life ready to move on. Don't get sucked in to that phase if your not 100% sure your ready for it.

Enjoy your young single life a while longer..... I was in love with the idea of being in love and the idea of a romantic big wedding. He was older, established and a charmer! I got sucked in. I wish I had waited.

If he loves you, he'll enjoy you without being married and will wait until your ready to take that step. Good luck!

 

[Carolyn]

too young

I was 26 when I married, and I knew my husband for 6 years before I married him. My feeling is that you are still too young to settle down to such a commitment, especially since you are not yet finished with school and will have a lot of changes in your personal/social/emotional/spiritual state before you can say that your life has stabilized. I have now been married for quite awhile, and, in looking back at what I did, I would say that stability was the key to my marital success. When we decided to "tie the knot," both my husband and I had stable jobs, were out of college for four years, and had largely settled down and grown up, at least to the point where we were not going through a lot of changes.

It is hard to say for sure when there's a "right" time to get married. I was 26, and I was nervous and hesitant about getting married, because I realized what a huge and responsible step marriage was. Marriage spelled permanency and commitment. Nevertheless, I did realize that I was ready to take the plunge, and we were ready, financially, to live life as a married couple. I think that a certain amount of nervousness and hesitance is normal, even when we find the one we know we want to spend our lives with.

I will agree with your sisters and say that you need to live more life before you make this huge commitment. Read the statistics online concerning the success of marriage of young people your age.

The fact that he is 30 tells me that he has more experience in relationships and may actually be the one who is ready to settle down. I would not let him pressure you into making this major decision. My advice is to give it more time. If he really wants you and is truly yours, he will respect your wishes to wait for you to become more settled/stable in your life. Since you will change in so many ways, you may actually find yourself growing away from him after awhile.

Good luck, and let us know what you decide to do.

 

[teacher2]

young marriage

Everyone is different. Some of the longest, happiest marriages I know of began with very young couples. I did everything the way I thought I was supposed to. We lived together, I finished school, got a job, was 24 when I made that trip down the aisle, and it still ended in divorce almost 20 years later, and it was a rocky road the entire time.
Search your heart. Seek premarital counseling, and do what you believe and feel is best for you.
Best Wishes to you.-|---

 

[SC]

Do what YOU want

I am 24 and have been married for over 4 years. I was almost 21 when we got married, and my husband was almost 22. I was a sophomore in college, and my husband was starting graduate school. We both finished and now have great jobs. We have a great marriage, despite getting married so young. There are times when I feel like I should have waited, since there are things I didn't experience on my own, but overall I am happy with the way things are.

I think you need to do what you feel is right. If you have questions and in your gut know that it's not right, then don't do it. If everything feels right, then go ahead. There are plenty of young brides who are still married after a long time, and there are plenty of older brides who got divorced early into their marriages. Each person is different, so do what you feel is right.

 

[bamateach]

not too young

I wouldn't say that 20 is too young. I agree with the previous poster - some people that marry young stay in love until the day they die - some don't. I would say you need to listen to your own heart. It sounds like your heart is telling you that this is not the time to be getting married. Finish school. Live a little.

 

[j.c.]

Yes you are too young!!!

Really, I think you are way too young. If you are smart, you will wait.
Life experiences will come and you will see this.

 

[maj]

not too young

Hello. I don't believe that the issue is your age; 20-year-olds can have a successful marriage. I think, though, that you sound like you're really not sure this is right for you *at this time*. If that's the case, then you should talk to your fiancee. Would he agree to remain engaged until you graduate? That way, he still has a commitment from you, without you making it legally permanent. And engagements can be broken without the mess of divorce, if it came to that. You would still have your 'really great guy,' but you would also have time to get yourself into a position of greater independence (having finished your degree). As other posters said, he's probably feeling ready, but for a great marriage to be created, the needs of both parties have to be balanced. Marrying now seems more in tune with his needs than yours. I'm sure you've heard this before, but if he loves you, he'll wait a little longer for the official ceremony.
Good luck.

 

[KB3]

Young marriage

I got married when I was 19. I had just finished my sophomore year. We have been married for 9 1/2 years now. It can be done, but I would strongly encourage you to finish school first. Yes, I did finish college, but juggling work, newly married, and school is difficult. I wouldn't change what I did, but I wouldn't reccommend it to someone else!! Plus, you haven't known him very long....he is older and ready to settle...AND you are questioning the situation already!! Please, wait until you are sure this is what you want!!!!!!!

 

[Connieg]

you know what I have learned?

Hi,

There are some decisions in life where a cookie cutter response is just inappropriate. I would try to find some very wise couple and have them get to know you and your special guy. Our church has a program like that and it has proven to be very successful in preventing divorces. Take some tests that are designed to see what the key point issues are that need to be discussed. Don't automatically think that every church is good at this. Call and ask!

What makes me think you should wait is your cautionary comment about a few things that are making you nervous and discontent and also that your siblings want you to wait. Unless they are dysfunctional and flakey, listen to your family. They usually want what is best for you and that they have spoken on this issue tells me a lot.

Keep us posted.
Connie

 

[bb]

not too young, but why the rush?

I got married at 20 and it was the right thing for us--I was pregnant
and wanted to be a family. However, I had a very peaceful feeling that
it was the perfect choice for us. And marriage was something we had discussed many times before. Since you aren't in a rush, a long engagement might be good for you. You sound like you aren't sure if
this is what you want right now. Let your heart guide you, but why rush? That is what I would tell my daughter. BTW married for 15 years and LOVING it. :0)

 

[h0kie]

My age

I think it is different for every person. If you have questions, I would put off getting married. Why not have a long engagement? You know yourself, so you know what is best for you. My only concern would be you haven't known him very long. But like I said, everyone is different.

My husband and I met when I was 17 and he was 19. We married when I was 20 (he was almost 23). Both of us finished our education and I finished my master's degree program.

Yesterday, we celebrated our 5th anniversary. It has been the greatest and the hardest five years of my life, but I don't think I would change a thing. Everything we have, we made together. It's helped bond us.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

 

[REB]

Georgia, I just wanted to say

pray about this. This will affect you for the rest of your life, no matter what happens.

I started college at 17, (started kindergarten at age 4, back then, there wasn't a law saying you HAD to be 5), and made friends fast with not one, but three guys, who were all instant friends as well,with each other. We did everything together, went out eating, to concerts, shopping, movies, meeting all the parents, (which was probably the most unusual since I was the only girl in the group...lol.), and after 5 months of knowing them, I fell for one of them really hard, but he didn't notice me...I was the buddy...the friend...the sidekick...(I think you get the picture...lol.), So, there was this college formal dance coming up, and I overheard him ask another girl out, as I was walking up to meet him for lunch, and he said he had something important to tell me. (I guess that was it.) Well, she said no, and he was crushed, and then I thought justice had been served...later I happened to see her and she said, "I heard that you liked him, from one of your friends in the group, so you can HAVE him...I like his roommate(who happened to be the one of the other guys in the group as well)." I thought that was hilarious. So, I asked him if he'd like to go, as friends, and he said yes.
We danced that night, and I still had feelings for him, but he didn't seem as though he even REMOTELY had feelings for me, so after that night, I let it go. Then, I was in a play in the spring, and things just clicked...and we dated for five months, before we got engaged, by a very large, leaking water tower...(not the most romantic idea, if any guys are reading this...especially a leaking water tower...lol.)
But, I was 18, young and silly, and said yes, like a do do bird...
We stayed engaged for 11 months. Finally I had enough of him pressuring ME to get married, drop out of college, and get a job, since I had work experience, so he could finish college, and I put my foot down. (I was on four scholarships at the time, and had a full-ride to college...his parents were helping fund part of his, so this just didn't make good common sense to me.)
Then I later would learn why he was pressuring me so hard...his dad had passed that summer, in May, before the big blowout that August, and there was a stipulation in the inheritance that if he married before 21, he could get his share of the money, but if not, he would have to wait until he was 30. I remembered him briefly mentioning this one day, but then, the realization struck me, the day the final words came...and they weren't "You're fired..."
It was more like, a toss of a ring, and me telling him to get a life.
I guess he did, because he drove off and left me standing at the mall that day, 45 miles from home...( note to the single ladies...not a good idea to break up, when you're away from your hometown, because then there's no one to come pick you up if you didn't drive your own car).
Also, another hint that he did get a life, is the fact that less than six months after I dumped him, he met,dated, got engaged and married(start to finish, might I add), a girl who already had a kid, and one of my friends tried to get me to go to the wedding with him, after I had lost 70 pounds, and looked totally different, as his date, but I thought that might be a little weird, so I shyed away.

Guess he got to collect the inheritance after all, and I got to keep my self-respect, and my college education in the process.
Good luck, I know this is a hard choice. Breaking up with him, was one of the toughest decisions I've ever made, but it was well worth it after that, because I never would've met my husband, (I was 20 when I met him, by the way...he was 26....we dated 3 years long distance before we got married, (we lived 3 hours apart...in different states, and all...and it still worked out for us...we've been married 5 1/2 years.)

REB