bridesmaid regret

[EM]

I seriously regret asking my stepsister to be one of my bridesmaids. I am getting married in June, and my stepsister is the most uninvolved bridesmaids. I have four other bridesmaids. My maid of honor is my soon to be SIL. Now my SIL is someone I can completely trust and rely on, but my stepsister is the complete opposite. I'm almost to the point to where I feel I should ask her to step aside if she is not interested in being involved.
I only made my stepsister my bridesmaid because my stepmother threw a complete fit(screaming, yelling, gossiping to my dad's family, ect) when I told her who my bridesmaids were and her daughter wasn't one of them. So you could say I chose my stepsister to just "keep the peace". My stepmother seems more concerned about her daughter being a bridesmaid then me being the bride. I think she's also jealous because I am getting married before my stepsister. I'm 5 years younger than my stepsister, and my stepsister has never been in a serious relationship before and is 30!
I feel its not asking my bridesmaids too much to be involved in my wedding. I expect them to go to fittings and be involved in the wedding planning. My SIL is planning a bridal shower for me, and has called me about who should be on the guest list. My SIL wanted to involve all the bridesmaids in the shower but told me that when she called my stepsister she did not want to even come, let alone help plan it!
When I call my stepsister about fittings she is either not home or says she'll "get around to it". Our conversations are so brief and I feel like I am never getting through to her that it is important to take her role as a bridesmaid seriously. I reached the point that i had to talk to my stepmother about this because there is little to no communication going on between my stepsister and myself. My stepsister and I have never been really close anyway, and never lived in the same house together. If I leave messages on my stepsister's machine she doesn't return them. I have to constantly call her about getting her fitting. When I called my stepmother about this, she said to just to tell her everything my stepsister needs to get done for the wedding and she'll pass the information to her and will make sure she does it. I don't think I should have to communicate with my stepsister through my stepmother. I seriously believe that my stepmother is the only one who wanted my stepsister to be a bridesmaid. My stepsister seems to not even care. I know it will create problems with my stepmother, but would it be appropriate to ask my stepsister to not be a bridesmaid since she is not interested in being in my wedding?

 

[Gloria]

step mother

Since it was so important to your stepmother to have your step sister in the wedding, I would make her be responsible for your step sister. Unfortunately you are family so asking her to step aside will be more of a problem than a help.

I would contact your step mother every few days and drive her nuts the way her daughter is doing towards you. Then, maybe she'll get the hint of what type of daughter she really has.

 

[A Bride Too]

I think you should talk to your stepmom or stepsister about how she is acting. Maybe she doesn't want to be in your wedding. Maybe she knows your stepmom threw a fit, so you are having her in your wedding because you feel you have to. Give her the opportunity to step out of it IF she wants. I think asking or telling her to step aside would cause more harm than it's worth. You may have one uninvolved bridesmaid, but hopefully you have four others who are very excited to be involved. If your stepsister isn't showing or wanting to be too involved, just let her know what she NEEDS to do (fitting for dress, getting dress, shoes, etc), but I wouldn't try to get her anymore involved. It's just going to cause you more stress. If she doesn't want to go to your shower, you can't force her to do it.

There are so many great (and stressful!) things about planning a wedding. Focus on what you need to do and enjoy your day. Remember it is your day, so you are the one who sees it as one of the most important days of your life. It's important to your bridesmaids too as your good friend, but it's not their wedding day.

BTW, I'm getting married in April and right in the middle of planning, so I can relate to how it feels!

 

[bamateach]

Bridesmaid

I know that this is the most important day of your life to date. Congratulations by the way! I do think that it would be rude of you to ask your stepsister to step down. I also think that the long term effects and hurt feelings from doing that would make it not worth it. I agree with the first poster that you should let her know what she needs to do and when it needs to be done by. Also let your stepmother know and ask her to be sure that it gets done. Don't expect anything more from her and more importantly don't stress over this. If you feel comfortable you might sit down and talk with her about this. You can be assured that she probably heard from your stepmom that you have a problem with her. It might ease tensions if you try to talk with her.

 

[SC]

From what I gather, your stepsister does not care to be in the wedding. I think you should ask her if she really wants to be in it, and if not, then let her out. She may feel obligated, since she probably knows her mother was upset, but she should have the option of getting out if she wants. Be polite, though...Tell her you notice she doesn't seem interested, and if she doesn't want to be in it, then it doesn't bother you.

Don't let it bother you that your stepsister doesn't want to go to events. You probably don't want her there anyway, so just enjoy those who do go. I think it's proper for you to ask her to do what HAS to be done, but other than that don't give her more of your energy. Every bride has a maid who doesn't participate in much.

 

[KTeacher]

Its your day!!

I just got engaged to and not to be selfish but I already decided that it is my day (1 day in my whole life that is mine) and I will not let anyone or anything ruin it. It may be selfish but that day is mine!! (For example for my sisters wedding last year we all went to the same place to get our hair done, well my other sister didn't want to go bc it cost $25.00 and she was going to have an aunt do it.) Well my bride sister was upset but said whatever. Well they both are in my wedding but I was straight forward and told her she would pay the $25.00 to get her hair done with us - I just think that is a great time to laugh and start of the wonderful day of everyone being together and thats something I want to remember) Anyway sorry back to you, I don't think you need that extra stress on your shoulders. I agree with another poster that she may feel obligated if she knows her mom basically forced you to ask her. I would first ask her if she wants to be in it or not. If she says yes then I would tell her she NEEDS to be involved, or she should step aside. Just my thoughts.

 

[Ima Teacher]

Well, I'm not sure what it matters that she's 30 and never been in a serious relationship. I was 29 before I had a serious relationship and could have counted my dates on one hand. I'd also been in four weddings, and I knew how to behave.

But on to the other issues. . .

My bridesmaids went with me to shop for my dress, and they helped me choose the style of the dresses. (I originally had four bridesmaids and a guestbook attendant who were all wearing similar dresses. . . and three of them were going to be pregnant at the wedding, so empire waists and flat shoes were needed.)

My attendants included four friends I'd known since 7th grade and one friend from college. There were NO family members involved in our wedding except for our parents. No one even ASKED me about who I was having in the wedding. I chose all of my attendants and DH chose all of his.

My wedding was in October. One bridesmaid thought I should wait until July of the next year because it fit her schedule more. She didn't like navy for the dresses. She liked white better than ivory for my dress. She thought I should have long sleeves, not short. And the list doesn't stop there. Finally I told her that if she was so unhappy with everyting I was doing, that she didn't have to be in the wedding. She hasn't spoken to me since. . . and that was back in 2000.

Good luck with it. I hope there's a way to keep your sanity and the family peace. (If not, I say go with your sanity. )

 

[me]

It is your day, but don't become a bridezilla. Just because she's 30 and never been in a serious relationship is no reason to be ugly to her. Just because you are the one getting married doesn't make you better than anyone else. I've never understood why some brides use their wedding as an excuse to act like a self abosorbed self appointed world's most wonderful person. Act like a human being and treat those around you like human beings. Act with grace. It is your day, but how do you want to be remembered? as a prick? or as a beautiful bride?

 

[Beep]

Oh the pitfalls of bridesmaidery

I am so loved and wonderful because I was a bride and still am married to my awesome prince charming... But I do wish all to share in my joy.

Are fittings such a big deal? My girls wore dresses right off the rack and looked fabulous but my bridesmaids were prettier than yours!

lolololololol

Sorry to make light of a bad situation but you can't choose your family or stepfamily so just smirk inside and be the bigger person.

 

[Teach 5]

bridesmaids

I agree that maybe her mom wanted it more than she did. But, it has been done. I would just be supernice, tell her what you'd like her to do & if she doesn't follow through she'll look bad & not you. You might want to go ahead & tell her mom though, so that she can't say you never told her times, places, etc. Don't expect her to be involved in the planning, or to take it all as seriously as you do. You don't really know her, maybe she feels awkward because she knows her mom "forced" you to ask her.