Considering divorce...need advice...LONG

[Anonymous]

I am 28 years old. My husband is 31 years old. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years and been together for almost 6 total. We both felt pressured to get married from my family. When we got married, I knew there were things that I was dissatisfied with when it came to my husband's lack of ambition/education. Before we got married, my husband made a concerted effort to go to school and further his education. He began going to school for computers, but prior to us getting married, he stopped going to school due to some frustrations he had with the professor. My husband and I come from very different backgrounds - he comes from a blue collar bkgrd. where his parents didn't stress education or ambition and a job is just a job. My family is more white collar, stressed education from the start, and felt a job is a career that you do your best in. As time has progressed, my husband and I find that our differences of opinion are increasing. This is an important issue to me. However, he accuses me of being petty and money hungry. The problem that I have is more that my husband lacks the ambition to do anything with his career. He has worked at the same place for 8 years and NOW makes in the low 20 thousands per year. He has an associate's degree, but has admitted that he thinks he will "never have ambition to change." To him, the whole career/job issue is just really not that important. He is more interested in "getting by" and just having a great time in life. While I agree with his opinion of having fun (I'll admit, I need to relax more often.), it seems as if he never wants to face the serious issues that come up. When bringing up the issues of a future mortgage, a future child, etc. my husband's reply is "we'll get by." Beyond this issue, we have had several other small issues that have affected our marriage and increased our unhappiness with each other.

I have shared my story with other close friends at work and tried to keep an open mind to others' opinions. However, some of my close friends have stated that they don't feel the issue(s) that we have are a viable reason for divorce. Please give me some advice. Am I being petty?

 

[Gail]

More info...

Why did your family pressure you into marrying? They must like your husband for some reason in particular.

 

[tiredteacher]

You have much to think about

I dont think your being petty. You are trying to make some life goals for yourself and you husband's career plans will directly affect the kind of life style you and your future children will have. "just getting by" in this day and age is a dangerous way to live especailly if you have children. I see my friends and their husband's trying to just get by and let me tell you - they are NOT happy. Not a one of them. Money, and the lack of it, dominates every aspect of their life. I'm not saying that money is everything but the lack of it does certainly affect one's quality of life.

The question you have to ask yourself is can you live with your husband and his lack of ambition or is this a deal breaker? Regardless of what others think only you can make that decision. The issue of whether it is a viable reason for divorce can only be answered by you and it may not seem like a serious issue now - but will it be later in your life when your trying to pay mortgage and car payments and day care costs.
Do you love him enough to be content with his life choices?

My husband did not go to college and would have been very happy working as a deck hand on a barge his whole life, but I encouraged him to move up the chain of command and get the necessary training to become a barge captain and he did it. He didnt have a lot of self esteem and I believe he thought he wasnt smart enough, but I constantly reassured him, helped his study to get his pilot's license, and now he makes twice as much as I do with my 2 degrees! My point is that I know I would have stayed married to him regardless because he's a kind and loving man and that issue really wasnt a deal breaker for me. ONly you can decide how important it is for you.

 

[kite flyer]

it sounds like "we'll get by" is his excuse for a lack of communication and that is the real problem.

 

[annon2]

Do you love your husband?

I think if you really love him, money really shouldn't make the difference. You say you were pressured to get married, does that mean you wouldn't have married him?

I have often heard it said that the second year of marriage is the hardest because the honeymoon phase is over, and you are starting your life. Also, marriage is not easy, it is hard work even under the best of circumstances.

Did you have pre-marital counseling? Do you go to church? Go get some counseling to see if you can work out your differences and come to accept each other for who you are.

If you close friends do not think you do not really have grounds for divorce, then maybe you should take their advice.

I am sure there is more to the story, but my advice is always stick it out.

 

[tiredmrs.]

It is very difficult to be in the position you are in right now. I do not think you are making a mistake by evaluating your feelings about your husband's lack of ambition. The first question you must ask yourself is do you love him? Do you love him enough to change your future goals to mesh with his lack of goals? Next, are you planning to have children in the future? Just getting by is not an option in this day and age if you have children. Even with a savings plan before your children are born, unforeseen expenses crop up all the time with children in the picture. If you are unsure of your feelings right now, my guess is that the first time you have to deny your child something he/she wants desperately or needs you will resent your husband's philosophy of "just getting by". I guess my advice is take your time making a decision and try to consider all of the options available to you. If your husband is willing, I would try couples counseling to see if that will help you clarify your situation.

Good luck to you.

 

[LAthird]

what else is on the list?

Not knowing anything else about your husband's character makes it kind of hard to answer this. I think it all depends on what is important to you at this point in your life. Let me share my experience. I married a very stable, ambitious, well-groomed man who I knew would be a good provider and make an excellent father one day. Luckily I was right about these qualities and he is a great father to our daughter. Unfortunately, he was cold, withheld affection, ignored me, never wanted to do anything with me, and we never had a connection. He had the right resume and everything looked so perfect and ideal from the outside, but it was a miserable marriage. We divorced and the man I am with now is totally opposite. We are friends, we communicate, we laugh, and have a great time together. He is a warm, caring person and he understands me (as much as a man is capable of!). He does not have a college degree. He is intelligent and makes "enough to get by" and that is more important to me than being with someone who looks good on paper. Love may not pay the bills, but money won't buy you happiness. So if your husband has other good qualitites that really enhance his character and he can hold down a steady job, you might be able to overlook his lack of ambition. Take time and reassess your priorities. If the ambition issue is too big to get over, then get out now. It's unlikely that he will change. Good luck!

 

[Hifiman]

Of course the obvious reply here is that all we know is your side of the issue based upon your perceptions and not his. Given what you posted there are two issues that stand out in my mind. You said you were pressured to get married by your family. That's too bad. If you really feel like you were pushed by them you should hit them up to pay for a marriage counselor. The other issue is your statement that you were disatisfied with his lack of ambition/education before you married him. You didn't come out and say it, but I'll jump right in and assume you thought you could change him and "fix him" over time. No one is ever going to change unless they want to change.

My wife comes from a family of fairly ambitious family. They placed importance on education and commitment to family and work. My wife didn't value education and took the quick path to do something to make a bit more than minimum wage. I came from a family in which graduating from high school was a goal that only some achieved. Education was never important. My mother always made it clear that I should get through high school and then find a job and stick with it no matter what. I wasn't supposed to seek promotions or raises, I was to take what my future employer gave me and thank them for their generosity - in other words, the famed Protestant work ethic many of us may have learned about in Sociology.

Eventually my wife decided she would pursue something more and eventually earned her masters degree and is in her 3rd year of teaching elementary - just like most of her family. As for me, what can I say; it takes a long time to overcome the way a person was raised. I worked for an employer I hated for 14 years. Yada, yada, yada, I will finish up my masters program this year and hopefully teaching somewhere by September. The point is we both decided to change ourselves on our own - eventually.

Some people live all their lives "getting by." That's OK. The world needs ditch diggers so others can pursue their dreams. There's nothing wrong with that. Others try to "get by" only to realize that getting by is not good enough in the long run - it's their choice. On a final note, how about all the people out there (many who are our friends and family) who make good money or great money and are just "getting by." Bills pile up too for those with more wants than money.

 

[bamateach]

divorce

Seems like I read this post and replied to it a couple of months ago. If it is you I am so sorry that you still feel the same way. Have you tried the marriage counseling that was suggested? I still think that this is a very petty and spoiled reason for getting a divorce. I mean to me the only reason one should consider a divorce is because of abuse or cheating. Now if I remember correctly from your last post (assuming that this is the same one) you didn't mention pressure to marry before. Meaning that perhaps as time goes on it is seeming worse and worse than it actually is. Sounds like you are obviously unhappy with the way your marriage is turning out. Not quite what you expected it to be. So often marriage is not what we expect. Also, hubby sounds very unhappy and perhaps even mad if he says he is not willing to change. Probably because of the constant pressure from wife to do so. (Men are funny that way they have to feel that it was their idea to change. Gotta love em) Anyhow, I still strongly suggest marriage counseling for both of you.

 

[Hifiman]

(Men are funny that way they have to feel that it was their idea to change. Gotta love em) - bama

You're kidding right? How many women change themselves when they don't feel the need to change? It's not a male or female issue - it's a issue of human nature.

 

[bamateach]

in response

I am sorry I have been married for 10 years and it has been my experience that men who are pushed by their wives on an issue are more reluctant. I speak to many married women on a regular basis about men/women issues and they too see this. Anytime you have man and woman living under the same roof it IS an issue of man/woman. THAT is human nature. We are two totally different types of people. My goodness why do you think there are marriage counselors, books called Women are from Venus Men are from MArs, etc....? BEcause the issues that come along with a man and woman living together are male/female issues.

You know I can think back over my 10 years of marriage and talk of many times when I changed in some way for the sake of my marriage. Whether it be waiting about having children or timeline on purchasing a house I changed. My husband also changed. It is called compromise and trying to make it work.

 

[MC.]

I agree, bamateach. Men do seem more reluctant to change if a woman is nagging them about it. In general, women are more open to it. It's human nature because it is one of the many differences between men and women.

Anyway, to the OP: It all depends on your values and views on marriage. I can see how your current situation would be cause for trouble. I would be upset also. But, I don't think it is grounds for divorce. One reason the divorce rate is so high today is that people are so quick to leave without trying to work it out. That's not to say that all marriages are destined to last, but have you tried other things first? Have you talked to a counselor? Have you sat down with your husband and tried to reach some sort of compromise? Neither party has to change completely, but maybe if you each bend a little bit you can meet in the middle. If you are worried about future finaces, how about setting up a savings account now, and designate a set amount you guys need to contribute each month. I understand completely worrying about money for the future!

Maybe he is insecure and needs a little (or a lot) of encouragement from you. I wish you luck!

 

[teachfla]

similar scenario

I just got out of a 10-year relationship with a similar-sounding man. He has a college degree but works a relatively low-income service job with no desire to move up. I got my second degree several years ago and am considering a third. I think a lot of my ex's problems centered around his lack of self-esteem. As supportive as I was, he was too scared to do anything about his obvious unhappiness. That in turn made me unhappy, and I ended up carrying a financial & emotional burden I didn't want. It's been several months since we split, and I can say I'm happier than I ever remember being. Wanting different things out of life (or being ready to face problems and compromise when the other partner isn't ready) is a deal-breaker in my opinion. I'm sorry you didn't realize it before, but don't stay and be unhappy if he isn't willing to change/compromise/go to counseling. I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life hoping my ex would get better.

 

[Hifiman]

I am sorry I have been married for 10 years and it has been my experience that men who are pushed by their wives on an issue are more reluctant. I speak to many married women on a regular basis about men/women issues and they too see this. Anytime you have man and woman living under the same roof it IS an issue of man/woman. THAT is human nature. We are two totally different types of people. My goodness why do you think there are marriage counselors, books called Women are from Venus Men are from MArs, etc....? BEcause the issues that come along with a man and woman living together are male/female issues.

You know I can think back over my 10 years of marriage and talk of many times when I changed in some way for the sake of my marriage. Whether it be waiting about having children or timeline on purchasing a house I changed. My husband also changed. It is called compromise and trying to make it work.- Bama

I agree with most of what you've said, but what you expressed here is not the same as what you expressed in your earlier post that I responded to. In this post it seems to me that you are saying exactly what I have said in both my earlier posts, that people - male or female will not change unless they want to change.

As for marriage counselors - they are there to be an objective third-party to hear both sides and facilitate a better understanding of each spouse's feelings while working toward a solution. Mars and Venus books are complete crap and probably do more harm than good.

 

[bamateach]

hifiman

I meant the same thing the first and the second time that I posted. Perhaps you missed my point. That too is a common male female issue. I was advising a woman and women tend to understand one another's sense of humor about men. Sorry if anything I have said has offended you.

 

[Hifiman]

Bama

No I'm not offended, but thanks for the sentiment. It's just so easy for me to pick a fight when we're all anonymous on the internet.