divorce

[very sad]

My husband and I have elected to go our separate ways. He initiated the separation by telling me he was done ( at the holidays nonetheless and I filed papers soon after to protect myself), but I have to admit it may be best for both of us. We have had a lot of problems the last few years of our marriage and they only seem to get worse as time goes on. Also, I am dealing with a lot of resentment towards him because I think he has chosen to leave me because of another woman. He denies seeing anyone, but I've collected plenty of evidence to prove otherwise. My attorney advised me not to confront him and make the situation worse so I'm keeping it all bottled up inside right now. I feel so betrayed right now and it's making it very difficult to get through this process.
My biggest concern is our 3 year old. I don't want her to suffer as a result of our differences. He wants to try to work this out together as much as possible (and not have a nasty battle in court), but I feel like I can't trust someone that as deceived me. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[REB]

I just wanted to say...

Hi. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your pain.

I hope you can find some joy in your heart this season, in spite of this pain that you are feeling.

REB

 

[RedSoxGirl]

So Sorry

I am very sorry that you are dealing with something this emotional even if you feel it's what you have to do. I can certainly understand and emphathize with how you must be feeling! Lying is one of the cruelest things one person can do to another.

My advice, considering I have never been in your situation? Allow yourself to grieve. Know this isn't your fault and that you are a loving person and mother. Know that your heartache will heal. And know life will go on.

 

[kirsten]

Must be the time of year

I went through something similar several years ago at this time of year. At the time, I had suspicions like you, but no real evidence. I was talking to a friend who has owned a bar/restaurant for years. She told me "There's always somebody else. If they tell you there isn't, they're lying." I tried to refute her theory by naming off several couples in the area who had split, I thought, for other reasons. She could fire back the name of the "other person" immediately. Eventually, I did find out my suspicions were correct. I'm sure there are exceptions to this "law of nature", but now that I've taken off my rose colored glasses, I don't think there are many. That's pretty depressing, but at least it did make me feel better to know that I wasn't crazy and it wasn't just me facing that humiliation along with the divorce. The first Christmas was the hardest day ever for lots of reasons, but now I look back on that day as the beginning of a better life for me and my children. Keep your chin up. We'll be thinking of you.

 

[dee]

Having been through it ......

Here's some thoughts:

You don't "have" to have a court battle to figure everything out, but everything needs to be worked out legally.

Listen to your lawyer as long as you like your lawyer.

You are not just trying to work things out to be ok with your daughter this year, whatever you work out needs to take into consideration HER future needs (college, braces, medical/dental expenses- copays even, etc).

Any teacher can be RIfed at any time, eben with tenure, so a provision needs to be made for that.

Visititation worked out. Phone calls. Special days and vacations, etc.

Etc, etc.

I have seen moms and dads at events several times and never realized they were divorced. They were a united front for their child and I was sooo surprised to find out later they were not still married. This was not possible for my ex, but may be possible for you.

Use your lawyer, use your lawyer, use your lawyer. But therapists are cheaper and covered by insurance! Only talk business with your lawyer.

You will get through this. Christmas may be tough, but the New Year is coming with a fresh start! Make some realistic resolutions for your and your daughter for the upcoming year. You afre setting an example for your daughter and even at this young age, she will see how strong you are and how undependent you are. These are life lessons for your daughter.

Good luck! Had I stayed with my alcoholic, womanizing, mood-swinging husband, my 2 sons would have grown up thinking that how he trated me was the way to treat all women. They are kind, resourceful, respectful, motivated, and they're still teenagers!

It takes awhile to get back into things. You definately need to grieve as someone said. And cut yourself some slack! The dream has died, and you need to acknowledge that and find another dream...And yes, someday you may find another person to trust.

Best wishes for a new adventure on life's journey.

 

[ogteacher]

So sorry to hear that you are having to go through this! I know it is hard.

Some thoughts:

This is very stressful, and holidays are also stressful, so find every opportunity you can to relax and take care of yourself. You will be more present for your 3 year old if you are as healthy and happy as you can be.

Let your daughter know with words that she is not the reason. Even very young children believe that somehow they are at fault.

Try not to villify her father in her presence even though you may feel like he is the biggest jerk in the world. This one was really hard for me :-( but paid off in the long run.

Listen to your lawyer.

I wish you the best,
Chris

 

[Miller]

I'm sorry to hear this. My parents divorced and got back together, and divorced, etc. I have advice for you and your daughter. However you feel about your husband, you and he need to agree not to argue in front of her. Don't even argue on the phone with her around. She will sense the stress and you don't want that. I wish you the best, and as a child of divorced parents, it is teh best situation for her. It's better to be happy and separated, than together and miserable.

 

[Jennifer in OK]

Sympathy

I can so feel your pain right now. My husband - soon to be ex - cheated on me often during our 8 year marriage. I finally left him in June when I found out he was dating one of the soccer mom's on my 4 year old's team and taking my 4 year old and 4 month old with him on the excursions. I have been living with my parents since September, sold the house, paid off the credit cards (with money made from the house), and tried to keep my sanity for the sake of my kids. Each time within months of giving birth to our kids, he went elsewhere for affection. It still hacks me off, but I am working on it! My son is in counseling and my daughter will never know life of living with both her parents. Ib the first 6 months of our separation, my soon to be ex only took my 4 year old 6 nights and the baby 2 nights. That certainly didn't help matters. Then he found out how much it would cost him in child support if he didn't pull his head out of his a** and spend more nights with his kids. My kids have lost their stable home, dog (he had to give it away since he couldn't have it at his apt.), and everything they ever knew. Thank God for my parents and friends.

My advice to you is to have someone you can talk to, whether it is a counselor or close friend. Stay strong for your child. I also try to keep myself busy. I have weak moments - usually late at night before bed the silent tears fall. The littlest thing will set off your emotions. The Grey's Anatomy episode they showed recently where Dr. McDreamy's wie asked Grey to help her and the patient asked for someone else after finding out she had cheated, etc. That really hit me hard! Seeing all the love and happiness of the holidays is hard. I see all the jewelry commercials and think how I won't have someone in my life to ever give me those things (not like the ex ever did!) That's how rick bottom I have fallen. If you need an email support, I would be happy to write back and forth with you.