embarrassed by family

[Lily]

I am engaged to a wonderful man who has a great family. I am so happy to have found a man I want to spend the rest of my life with and a great family too. My future in-laws are wonderful.
I am completely embarrassed by my family. You would think I would have gotten over some of these things years ago, but I just can't. My parents are divorced. My dad left my mom for a younger woman and had a child by her. I have never been able to come to accept my dad's wife or my half-sister. Its so painful for me. I feel like my dad didn't just betray my mom, but he betrayed me too. My half-sister is a constant reminder to me of my dad's affair. I know thats an awful thing to say, but its true. My mom and dad still hate each other, and can barely speak without screaming at each other. I am so embarrassed by my parents hating each other, and my dad's affair with a woman half his age.
I am close to my mom, but not my dad, his wife or half-sister. I consider my fiance and his family to be my family now, and wish that my only biological family was my mom. I'm embarrassed by my dad and his actions and all the hurt it has caused. I wish I had a family without all these problems. I almost wish I didn't have a family because of the shame that they bring. I don't understand why after so many years I can't get past this. I trust my fiance more than anything, but I still have this fear of being betrayed again.

 

[Anonymous]

My parents are divorced too. Both are remarried and have children with their spouses. I have a great relationship with my mom and stepdad. I have almost no relationship with my dad. I've been struggling lately with all of it, because I'm getting married in April. Augh...

Anyway, have you ever talked to your dad or wrote him a letter about how you feel? Sometimes people hold onto negative feelings for a long time, because they've never taken the steps to feel better about it. It sounds like your family is the way it is and probably won't change. I think you either need to accept it or not. How you do that is up to you. It doesn't do anyone any good to hold onto those feelings. I'm sure it's not easy for you. You said that you've never been able to accept your half-sister and she is a constant reminder...I'm sorry to hear you feel that way about her. I'm sure you know this, but remember that it's NOT her fault. Yes, she came from you dad and the woman he had an affair with, but she should not be blamed. Maybe you can start letting go by trying to have a relationship with her. Everytime you have those thoughts about her, remember it's not her fault.

My cousin is in a similar situation. Her parents divorced because he had an affair with another woman (they are still together 10 years later although not married). Although the affair was the final event that made them divorce, they were having problems before that. She puts a lot of emotional energy into hating and blaming this woman.

I know that people sometimes don't like the idea of counseling, but maybe you need to talk to someone. You said that you fear being betrayed again, and that could have a negative impact on your future marriage whether you realize it now or not.

Hopefully you can get past this and have some sort of a relationship with everyone.

 

[Lily]

relationship

I agree with you about how it is not my half-sister's fault. I wish I could have a relationship with my half-sister, but there are just so many obstacles. She's only 10, and I'm 24. Don't feel like we have much in common except that we share the same dad. And it would be wierd having a relationship with her when I do not like her mother. When I'm around her(which is very rare) I'm very careful what I say. I don't want to upset her by saying negative things about her mother even though I detest her mother. So I just avoid saying anything about her mom, and if she mentions her mom I change the subject.

Actually I have thought of counseling. It might be good for me. I know that my fiance is committed to me and would never cheat on me. But still I have that fear because my dad cheated on my mom. The two aren't related at all. My dad did not take his wedding vows to my mom seriously, but I know my fiance will.

One thing that will help though is that my fiance and I together are going to be participaring in premarital counseling at our church. So we can talk about some of those issues in those counseling sessions. But I also think counseling for just myself would be helpful too.

 

[Anonymous]

Lily~

Hi Lily~
I'm glad you weren't offended by anything I said. I understand the difficulties you have with your sister. As I mentioned in my other post, my parents are both remarried. My dad and stepmom have a daughter who's 16. We're not close either. We've just never been a part of each other's lives. I know my sister crazes to have a relationship with me. She wrote me a letter last spring about how she was hurt that I didn't make an effort to be a part of her life. It is difficult considering the negative feelings I have towards my dad, although I have nothing against her. Does your sister want to have a relationship with you? You may not have a lot in common, but just think about how much of a role model you could be to her considering she's only 10! She probably loves the idea of having an older sister and would like a relationship with you.

I think premarital counseling is a great idea. Also maybe some counseling on the side. Maybe you will find it in your heart to forgive and let go. That doesn't mean you have to forget, but you can forgive. You had mentioned that your mom is still angry and bitter towards your dad. Does that have anything to do with your feelings towards your dad and his wife?

I understand that family relationships and dynamics can be difficult. As you are getting married, so am I I'm so excited and I can't wait to be married to my future husband. I enjoy planning our wedding, but find that I'm stressed about the family aspect of it. Dads are usually quite involved (walking down the aisle, father/daughter dance, speech/toast, and I'm not having my dad do any of that. Augh...

Take care

 

[Lily]

step relationships

I'm not too sure about if my half-sister wants a relationship with me. I always talk to her when I visit my dad, and I send her birthday and Christmas presents. Sometimes that is as far as I can go. I think when I visit I get tired of my half-sister talk about how wonderful her mommy is, when I can't stand her mother. Also, my half-sister was conceived while my parents were still married, so its hard to get past that.

I'm not much younger than my dad's wife. I'm 24 and my "stepmother" is 30. If you do the math, you'll figure out that my "stepmother" was only 20 when she had my half-sister so I have always viewed her as the homewreaker slut. My dad was 40 when my half-sister was born. Big age difference there.

I know what you mean about weddings. I don't know what to do with my dad's side with my family. I really can't bring myself to include my dad, his wife or half-sister in my wedding. There's too much hurt there and if I did include them in any way it would not be sincere. I'm not having my dad walk me down the aisle. I'm having my maternal grandfather walk me down the aisle. My dad may be hurt by that, but he should have thought about that before he had an affair with a woman not much older than myself.

 

[Anonymous]

Wow, your stepmom is very close to your age. I can understand how that would be difficult.

About your wedding...maybe you could talk to your dad ahead of time about your decisions. Remember it's YOUR wedding.

I'm not close to my dad either (as I have mentioned). We have an almost non-existent relationship. I was making decisions regarding my wedding~stepdad will walk me down the aisle, no father/daughter dance, dad will sit back as if he's a guest (not in the first or second row).

Then I decided to give him a "chance". I called him one day and we talked about my wedding. I asked him how much he'd like to be involved. He said, "I just don't know right now." I said, "Well, that answers my question." Now I feel I can make the decisions how I want to make them without feeling guilty (I was feeling guilty before). So, my stepdad is walking me down the aisle, no father/daughter dance, and no father toast/speech. My mom and stepdad's names will be on the invitation along with my fiance's (not my dad's name). Typically whoever is paying or paying a large chunk are hosting and should be on the invitations. Well, my dad isn't paying for one single cent of my wedding. He made the invitation decision easy for me! I'm listing my mom and stepdad's names on the programs, but I'm also listing my dad and stepmom below theirs. My stepmom will wear a corsage and my dad a boutinnere (spelling?). During the ceremony we are giving flowers to my mom and my fiance's mom, but not to my stepmom. Although we get along she hasn't raised me at all.

It's not easy making those decisions! That's why I would suggest talking to your mom and also your dad (not together!) a long time before your wedding date. You can get things sorted without having to deal with the stresses of it shortly before your wedding. That's why I chose now to talk to my dad than closer to my wedding. Believe me, it has made my decisions much easier.

 

[Lily]

wedding

I've already made some decisions about my wedding, like having my grandfather give me away. My grandfather will be the one that I dance with during the traditional father/daughter dance. I know that'll be hard for my dad, but my grandfather has been there more for me than my dad.

My dad is going to attend the wedding as a guest. I'm having the first two rows reserved for my mom and all of her family, plus her extended family. My dad, his wife, and my half-sister will be sitting on the third rown. I'm even including all of them in one family photo with me and my future husband at the wedding. Considering the situation, I think I'm being quite nice. But they will not have any official role in the wedding. And my dad and his wife will not be mentioned on my invitations or wedding program.

Yeah, my "stepmom" is very close to my age which is why it was always hard to view her as a stepmother. I don't consider her my stepmother because of our close age. She's my dad's wife and my half-sister's mother. I think even if she hadn't had an affair with my dad while he was married to my mom, it would be hard to accept her. Whats interesting is that my dad has nieces and nephews who are older than she is. My dad was the baby of all his brothers and sisters, so they had kids before several years before my parents had me. My dad's oldest niece is 37, so she is older than my stepmom who is technically her aunt by marriage. My cousin and her husband have kids that are older than my half-sister. So we have some great-grandchildren in our family that are older than one of my grandparent's grandchild(my half-sister). All of my cousins are between the ages of 22-37, so my half-sister doesn't have any first cousins her own age. She's closer in age to our cousin's kids, which I think would be our second cousins.