family time

[LV]

I posted before about how I am newly married and my husband seems to think that I spend too much time with my family. We had been having weekly dinners with my parents and his parents, which I guess is too much for my husband. I just grew up differently where there was always grandparents, aunts, uncles, & cousins over all over the time. But I guess as a newlywed we should be thinking of our marriage first. But I also want to make sure that our extended families are a priority as well.

So I am trying to come up with a compromise with my husband. He thinks weekly dinners are too much, so fine we won't do that if one of us does not like that. Instead I was thinking of having dinner with our parents once or twice a month. I don't think thats too much. My husband doesn't talk to his parents all the time and is sometimes annoyed I talk on the phone so much with my family. I sometimes would talk to my parents several times a week. It would sometimes bother my husband that I would talk so much on the phone with my mom. So I guess I could compromise and talk to her once a week. I just don't want to get to a point where I come to resent either my husband or my parents because of this. My husband and I have thought about us having a weekly "date" night and going away for weekends, yet still making time for our families. Maybe if we do that I won't have as many issues about this.

There has to be a compromise where both my husband and my parents are priorities in my life.

 

[MKat]

I think you are wise to cut back the dinners. Is there a way you can talk to your parents at a time when your husband isn't around? My husband went through a period where he talked to his parents almost daily and, frankly, it almost destroyed our marriage. It felt to me like he'd barely say a word to me some nights and then be on the phone to his parents laughing and chatting away.

The main thing is for your husband to feel like he is your number one priority - definately ahead of your parents. He also needs to know that you are discussing decisions that need to be made, important events, etc. with him FIRST and that you aren't sharing info with them that he isn't comfortable - like financial info etc.

I think my husband's family was freaked out by our marriage and the finality of it all - like they'd lost their child. He went from someone who spoke to his family once a week or so and visiting them rarely to talking to them constantly. I felt like I had dated an independent man and married a mama's boy that had to check in. I actually put my foot down when I discovered they were expecting him to call and check in from our honeymoon! He'd lived in a different state from his folks since before he met me, we'd spent lots of time together without him needing to check in, but all of a sudden when we married they were expecting him to check in all the time? What I think was his desire to let them know he was still their son and still loved them was actually hurting OUR relationship.

We had to make some adjustments. One thing that helped was me asking him to call them on the night every week that I had a class. That way he had a "freebie" that wasn't irritating the crap out of me. We also had to negotiate what was off limits to discuss. For me, sex, finances, my family gossip, and my friends, were all things I didn't want him discussing freely with them.

Once I knew he wasn't overstepping my boundries and his phonecalls weren't interferring with our time together, I didn't mind so much.

 

[HAD IT!!]

Excellent Point, MKAT

See my post below about In-Law Troubles. My husband's parents freaked out about him getting married--he's the oldest, so they hadn't gone through it yet. 9 years and 2 children later, his parents are our major issue in our marriage, and it almost destroyed us the first couple of years, too. If you value your marriage and want it to work, you need to take some time and pay major attention to your husband. Don't cut off your family ties at all, just make your husband a priority the first couple of years. Do things with him without "checking in" with your parents or running everything you do by them first. Keep compromising so you can see and talk to your family enough, but not so much that it's overbearing. You're married now, and your parents are not the people you are to cleave to. Cleave to your husband.