future in-law problem

[noname4this]

I'm not even married yet to my fiance, and I am already anticipating future in-law problems. My fiance's mother is known to be a meddling MIL and proudly tells people that she broke up my fiance's first marriage. Whats worse is she says this right in front of my future stepdaughter who's 15. While I am not friends with my fiance's exwife and have only met her on a few occasions, she is a good mother. My future MIL critisizes me just as I heard she did with the exwife. Future MIL critisizes how I cook, clean, ect. However a big difference is my fiance is much older than he was in his first marriage(he married his ex when he was only 21) and he is no longer trying to please his mother, and does stand up for me and tells his mother she will not speak to me that way. But the fact that my future MIL was a contributing factor in the failure of my fiance's first marriage does scare me a bit. I know I shouldn't compare his first marriage to the one we will have. But I've heard from other relatives that she resents any woman trying to take her "baby boy" from her and I've heard countless mean and cruel things she did to the exwife. A cousin in the family told me that future MIL hates any woman marrying into her family and will try to make your life miserable. This cousin was "warning" me about future MIL. Future MIL still treats my fiance as if he was a child and he is 38 years old!!! We live 45 minutes away from future MIL so its not like we'll be seeing her all the time. But the woman will still be apart of our lives. Even my future stepdaughter can't stand her grandma.

 

[ecsmom]

Be very thankful that she does live that far away and that your future DH stands up for you. I really don't understand why some mom's just can't cut the apron strings! After 25 years of dealing with my MIL, I have learned just to smile and nod. Best of luck!

 

[noname4this]

I do wish MIL could cut the apron strings as well, but I am grateful that future DH is no longer a Mama's boy as I heard that he used to be. I realize my future DH is her only son, but still she should realize he's an adult. What I can't stand about FMIL is how she's let her hatred affect her relationship with her granddaughter(my future stepdaughter). Future MIL goes around saying awful things about my fiance's exwife, and then she wonders why my stepdaughter doesn't want to spend time with her. Nobody wants to spend time with someone who badmouths their mother. While future MIL's insults do get to me a lot, I'm an adult and can take care of myself. But I hate seeing future MIL do things to my stepdaughter who's pretty much still a child.

 

[desire2inspir]

As much as we sometimes would like to think we don't also marry the family...we do. I think the most important thing is the way in which your fiance deals with his mother. It is HIS place to keep mom in check. The fact that he is older and wiser now too is probably helpful. Have you and your fiance had a true heart to heart about the concern? If not I would...you do really need to make sure he is not only willing but able to keep mom in check. He also needs to be in a place where he too has cut the apron strings and is not relying or depending on her for emotional, financial, etc...needs. If ever he becomes defensive regarding mom or you expressing genuine, valid concerns I would see that as a red flag. Marriage can be hard enough on it's own without adding an additional stressor. As long as you and future DH are fully aware of her and her "antics", DH is willing to confront and stand up for you and your relationship, and you have a plan you both agree on for handling things then your marriage can withstand it...good luck.

 

[tbell0407]

My Former MIL

They sound like twins! Notice I say former MIL. She was horrible to me from the start. She even wore black to our wedding because she was in "mourning" and she refused to be in any of the pictures. My life was miserable. I just want to give some unsolicited advice. BE CAREFUL! In the beginning my husband was supportive of me and willing to stand up to his mother. As the years went on he became less willing to get involved in "our issues". I'm not saying that will be the case for you but just be careful. It is was always so difficult during family times like holidays and weddings. The situation got worse not better for me. Good luck to you. At least she is far away. Just make sure that the headache will be worth it for a lifetime. It wasn't for me and Just like your husband's 1st marriage the MIL was happy that we finally divorced. I was so relieved to be out of that family!