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Help me get my mind off of this...

PEPteach

Senior Member
I had a disagreement with someone yesterday and am quite upset about it! It's not over anything huge, but I find the way he was speaking to me very condescending. He was critical of me being a perfectionist and doing too much while he doesn't do anything. We didn't leave on the best of terms.

I just keep replaying it in my head and I keep getting worked up about it. I need to move on. We'll see each other later this week (in a group setting). Part of me wants to call him out on his behavior, but I think the wiser part of me says to ignore it and move on. I can't change him.

What do you do to move on from these things? I don't want to spend days being angry.
 
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MKat

Senior Member
Sort of tongue in cheek, but honestly not totally. I think about how MY way is clearly vastly superior to his and feel sorry for him.

That's what he was doing to you and you clearly won because you had more self control in keeping YOUR thoughts to yourself! In other words "he started it!" (But you were the better person.)
 
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MathWA

Senior Member
I would let it go for now. There is no upside in restarting the intense disagreement when you see him this week. Time is your friend and you will approach this situation much differently and more analytically after you have had some time to let your emotions calm down. Then engage him in a problem solving conversation with the goal of resolving your differences. Good luck!
 

JanetL

Senior Member
First of all, I am sorry you had an upsetting experience.

If it were me, I would like to talk to him about what happened. I would say something like, "I felt_______ when you said I was a perfectionist. Please do not speak to me like that again." Or something like that.

Are you his supervisor? If you are, you can address that he "doesn't do anything."
If not, that would be up to his boss to address.

I wish you the best of luck in this situation.
 

wildflowerz

Senior Member
My sister likes to say that being angry at someone is like drinking poison and hoping they get sick.

I have a feeling his response is more about him and less about you. Is it possible that he would like to be doing more and is disappointed in himself and instead he lashed out at you?
 

amiga13

Senior Member
He was critical of me being a perfectionist and doing too much while he doesn't do anything.

You don’t like how he operates, and he’s critical of you. Can you avoid him and let it go?

(((PEP))))
 
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LaFish

Senior Member
Lots of good suggestions from others.

What do you do to move on from these things?
I take a long walk and listen to music. If that doesn’t help, I will clean up. Usually scrubbing the tub or wiping windows are places to put all my energy.

I hope you feel better.
 

PEPteach

Senior Member
Thanks everyone. We lead a group together (although one of us does more leading than the other ;)) so it's hard to avoid him. We've done this for a few years and things have always gone okay, but I think frustrations on my end have been building up over time.

I'm not going to reach out now. I have a candle burning and a gentle breeze coming in through the window. Trying to relax and let go!
 

apple annie

Senior Member
Write him a letter telling him all the things you didint get a chance to say. Really let him have it. Then destroy the letter and move on.
 

eliza4one

Senior Member
I love all of the above suggestions. I hope some work for you.

Is this the person you've worked with (group leaders for your church) for quite some time and now has a girlfriend/fiancee? Do you think that has changed the dynamic of your relationship?

I do think if you are going to continue working together, you need to come to some sort of an agreement on work load(s). Otherwise, it may impact the group you are leading. They will pick up on it, I would think.

I could be way off base. Just throwing it out there as a different point of view.

Let us know how it goes the next time you meet.
 

happygal

Senior Member
Good show

You stood your ground. You can be a perfectionist or anything else you want. We can strive to pass judgement.

My problem is getting into heated arguments while trying to do business. That's what bothers me for days. Seems some people flip out when you don't succumb to their b.s.

Rock on. You're alright.

As far as the next time ~ don't mention it to the individual.
 

Tori58

Senior Member
Nothing gets my dander up as much as having someone being condescending to me, especially when that individual is male. It sounds as though it's his manner that offended you as much as it was the actual criticism. Would you say that's so?

You're right, you can't change him. But when you are calmer, it may help to have a reasonable conversation about it. This may involve you being willing to compromise too, though. In that conversation I would tell him that a) the way he spoke to me came across as condescending and made me angry and b) yes, I am a perfectionist (I am) but it's a fundamental part of my personality and has often served me well. Then I would listen carefully to what he had to say and try very hard to not become defensive about it.

I am not saying that you were in the wrong in any way. But, I know that when I have trouble letting something like this go it's because I'm not sure that I handled it as well as I might have. If each of you understands where the other was coming from and if you can arrive at some reasonable compromise for sharing the workload going forward, it will surely be easier to work together.

As for stopping the instant replay in your mind (this happens to me, too), I just have to distract myself with something else. I will try to find things to do that are mentally engaging.
 

anna

Senior Member
Is there a chance that perhaps there's some itty bitty truth to what he is saying? I remember asking you months ago if it's possible that you are bit of a perfectionist and you never answered the question. That being said, remember it's ok to be a perfectionist as long as you are happy with the lifestyle and don't impact someone else negatively.
He may have a point that he wants to do more but you do most things because you want the control in order to have things go well.
He told you he is dating someone else. Did you feel a loss of control?
He told you why things are not going well. Did that conversation make you feel less in control of the group?
If it were me, I'd encourage more conversation with him as a way to keep the group together and give him more responsibility.
 

PEPteach

Senior Member
But, I know that when I have trouble letting something like this go it's because I'm not sure that I handled it as well as I might have.
Yes, and I think that's very wise to point that out. I do think my feelings were justified, but I also am not happy with how I communicated that. I was feeling upset/angry/flustered and it showed. Perhaps there's some embarrassment I'm feeling over that, too?

Is there a chance that perhaps there's some itty bitty truth to what he is saying?
I am definitely a perfectionist! I do admit to wanting things to go well and I work hard to make them go well. I think it's a spectrum - there's teachers at school who are definitely more Type A/perfectionists than me, but I'm also more goal-oriented/perfectionist than some others. I think the issue is that he is the opposite. Even in his personal life he doesn't have a lot of drive/passion. He takes little to no initiative. So we BOTH need to compromise.

I also think my frustration has built up over time which I guess came to its head.
 

elsa4409

Senior Member
I'm sorry that this has happened to you.

If someone speaks to me in a condescending way, it is very hard for me not to feel hurt. I always think of that quote, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." And, I think I must implicitly give my consent. Even if there's not truth to this exact thing, I use it to ruminate on the other ways that I'm an idiot.

The only thing that has sort of worked for me is telling myself that I will not think about that right now. Usually when I revisit the event a few days later, I can see it more clearly and I'm usually not as angry. Sometimes, I have a clearer idea of what I should say. It's great when I can think, "Why would someone say something so stupid to me?" but honestly, that's not how it always works out in my head. So I commiserate.
 

teachnkids

Senior Member
I’ve waited to comment to see the direction of this post went!

Is this the guy who was interested in you and then started dating someone?

I think there’s a dynamic here that’s getting clouded over! Totally not saying stop everything and jump his bones!LOLLOL I think he might be feeling a bit overconfident with his new found love!

Are they ever worth worrying about? Only if they’re the one! I promise I say this from too many years of nit listening to this advice!
 

Lottalove

Senior Member
This:

My sister likes to say that being angry at someone is like drinking poison and hoping they get sick.

Yep, yep, yep! Another saying is that he doesn't deserve to take up space in your brain. If you don't let it go, he wins... He has consumed your thoughts and may not even be aware you are upset... obtuse... Release it so that he doesn't get any more of your attention and thoughts.
 
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