How to support pregnant young mom and HER mom

[KingbirdQueen]

My best friend received a call from her 18 YO DDs recruiter that her daughter won’t be able to attend boot camp after all, and is being dropped for medical. After a very perplexed few hours came the call from her DD.

Her DD with the 90 ASVAB score and impeccable behavior in HS is going to be a mama.

My friend is angry. Livid. Murderous. Boyfriend has been texting her (he LOVES DD. Like super duper loves her and even texts friend cry emojis all day about how much he misses her DD to the point of annoyance) and I urged her not to murder him. She’s been ignoring it for now. I’m sure his feelings are hurt, but he doesn’t know about mama bear anger that he’s actually being saved from in the ignoring.

They will probably get married. I said something stupid and got yelled at . He’s a gentle spirit with low prospects at the moment,so I said that he could be a SAH military husband and she could go back a year after the baby gets here, which means she likely wouldn’t have custody I guess if they divorced due to their needing another person to be the main guardian while she serves. Because DUH, 18 year olds getting married doesn’t usually work out long term, especially with all the pressures of military life thrown in. I then pointed out DD being a new HS grad, she can still get our state scholarship with her grades, but of course that’s not her DREAM, and it will be extra hard with a baby and expensive even with scholarship and that was dumb, too. I don’t think my ideas are necessarily dumb, but my timing was for sure .Pointing out the potential positive when someone is in angry shock is actually what was dumb. Guilty as charged there.

I stopped saying anything and started listening like I should have. I feel sorry for both the DD and my friend. It just takes once, I guess. Apparently they had quite the romantic send off when they were otherwise ... apparently... waiting. They ARE both very religious. But kids don’t always tell the truth about that, religious or not.

I want to let the DD know my congratulations and I want so much for her to be as happy as possible. I had an unplanned baby my DH and I call our “fate” baby as it was somewhat a freak mishap as she shouldn’t have been possible. People either called me stupid not knowing how freakish it was that I was even able , or stupid for not terminating my pregnancy because I was a new college grad and my DH and I were still a fairly new couple and DH was a jobless couch surfer with no direction and a bad family (like mine is so great, but it’s true his is one of addiction and bad things.)

Truth be told DH was the one who convinced me about the fate thing . He was excited and always wanted a family. I was on the fence. I still feel a bit guilty about that. He actually decided to pull himself together and be the best dad he can be . And he is! He went to vocational school and makes more money than I ever could in the teaching field and he’s just the nicest man. He reminds me so much of “cry emoji” BF of friends DD. He super duper loved me, too and was a little clingy, too. Here we are 15ish years later and he super duper loves his family and he’s clingy still, but I’m used to it and I super duper love him back and wouldn’t even want my old life plans back. I want to be happy for the DD of my friend. She might be lucky as well! She might not be, but doom and gloom will make her pregnancy more traumatic .My first once certainly was, due to all the mean opinions that should have been kept to themselves.

How do I support both women at the same time? I want to be happy for the new bambino but also be a good friend to one of my best life long friends. She’s been through a lot and moved mountains for her children to have more and this is definitely a wrench thrown in the machinery and like a loss for her. But I know she will love that little baby.

 

[ASAM]

I would just be a listening ear. I love the story of your family and someday your friend might be willing to listen. As mad as she is, her daughter is an adult and will need to find her way.

 

[cruxian]

I think you are a very good friend to both your own friend and her DD. Right now, my advice is just to listen to her. As things go by, offering practical help to her DD might be good. I found the information you gave at the end to be insightful---she tried to make things better for her children and this has thrown a wrench in the works. I know I had my ideas about what DD would be like and, shockingly, she isn't completely like my ideas. It took some time to reconcile my ideas for her with the reality of her. I'm sure this is a harder thing for your BF. Best of luck to you all.

 

[kahluablast]

I agree with just listening. It sounds really fresh and right now everyone is going through the shock of the situation. They need listeners. It isn’t your job to solve their problems or make them feel better. Right now they need to process.

I am a little concerned that the recruiter called parents to tell them this information. That just seems like an infringement of the 18 yo’ rights.

 

[KingbirdQueen]

The recruiter only called that to say she was coming home. He could not explain. I fixed it to reflect this as the way I wrote it was confusing.

They had to wait hours and hours for her call. It was very stressful as they only knew it was a medical drop. So there aaa a long time with friend and I talking, and friend has an older child in the military who had tuberculosis. He wasn’t dropped. He was moved to a medical platoon and then allowed to continue when he was healed enough.So she knew that usually illness or non- permanent injury goes to a medical platoon instead of being dropped.

So at first it was like -did she have a total break down somehow ? Did she use “buzz words” that hinted at suicide or harm self or others? Did she get so badly hurt that she can’t go on? I was actually on the phone with her for two hours listening to her mind reel over what it could possibly be. That was horrible.

So the recruiter didn’t release any information other than the fact that she’s coming home as she is dropped for medical and to expect a call from DD and even to express concern as she had been training with this person since she was 17 with early sign on, and the recruiter wasn’t even informed as to why exactly. He was very upset as she was one of his top recruits, definitely the strongest academically with almost all jobs open to her, and he had never dealt with a sudden drop after this point in the process. Usually medical things that aren’t injuries during training are discovered way before this point. So he actually didn’t say exactly why and he didn’t know why himself. She is the one who called later. It was actually worse that way, as everyone was just filled with overwhelming concern and it was a very stressful mystery for the recruiter and her parents.

 

[kahluablast]

Thank you for explaining that. It makes sense and would be worrying for the parent, for sure.

 

[TAOEP]

Hard situation.

I spent the last 27 years of my teaching career teaching pregnant and parenting students in a public high school. So I've had lots of experience with young moms (and some with their moms, most of whom I at least met).

Your friend's extreme reactions have some very understandable causes. She suddenly had her plans and goals smashed, just at the time she thought she had achieved them. Of course, the same could be said about her daughter.

She had those hours of questions while she waited to hear from her daughter. And she filled them with imagining terrible scenarios. Many people would have been relieved to hear that the explanation was an unplanned pregnancy, but all her feelings exploded in anger.

It's not likely to be helpful to anyone to keep rehashing what has happened and contrasting it with what was "supposed to" have happened. There's a baby coming (sounds as if abortion is not a consideration), so plans need to be made. Will the young couple parent the child or make an adoption plan? The grandmother-to-be is likely afraid that she will be expected to do more than she is able/willing to do.

Likely they all need time, emotions will settle, and they will be able to move forward. If not, perhaps you can suggest some family counseling.

There are millions of women who have had unplanned pregnancies AND many, many, MANY of them lead happy and successful lives. The paths of their lives are different than their plans, but likely all of us are leading lives that differ from our plans. Babies, spouses, health, jobs lost and gained, decisions about where to live, career choices, etc., etc., etc.--our lives are winding roads with surprises around bends.

Perhaps you can simply spend some time with your friend, doing the same sorts of things you have always enjoyed doing together. That would show her that the world hasn't ended; she is still the same woman you have always considered to be your friend. As she vents and discusses, you might occasionally say things like, "That's a concern... What do you think might help? ... Have you talked about that with your daughter? ... Hmmm..."

Avoid giving any advice. It is likely to come back to haunt you!

 

[jjwires]

I'm retired & currently volunteering at a pregnancy center. Our center has free tests & gives some free stuff, but mostly the gals have to earn what we call "baby bucks." They have computer classes about the birthing process, finances, cooking, doing laundry. They get so many bbucks for passing classes, showing up for appointments, etc. We have a Mommy & Baby shop where they can spend their earnings. We also have an ultrasound machine.

I would look for a similar type center for her to get additional support. Our computer classes are from a company called PreBorn.

Don't know if this something they might want to look into. They also provide support for the dads. There are about 1400 centers in the US. If you want more info PM.

 

[KingbirdQueen]

We have a place like that, but I forgot about it! They do the same things.

I do think the couple will benefit from the classes. I’ll bring it up when the timing is better.

 

[Claire]

Surprising but fine

It is a less than ideal situation, but at least she's graduated. It could be worse. She can still go back to the military if she wants to, it would just be more complicated with a baby.

Mom should not be at all shocked that she and her bf had sex, no matter how religious they are. I wish she would have been on birth control and then this choice wouldn't have been made for her. Sorry if that sounds abrupt, but I'm a huge proponent of teaching your daughters about birth control and making sure they're able to be on it if they choose to be sexually active. Accidents still happen, but not often.

Hopefully she will be supportive of her daughter and the boyfriend since they now share a child. They both were equally responsible, so I don't feel like she should be "mad" at the boyfriend.

 

[marguerite2]

Hopefully, by the time she arrives home from boot camp, the mom has calmed down.

Being pregnant may have been a surprise to the daughter too. That may have been why it took her so long to call. She may have had to process it before she called her mom (and the boyfriend). Those had to be hard calls to make.

I’ll bring it up when the timing is better.

If I were bringing it up, I’d mention it to the daughter, not the mom. The program is for the new moms, not the grandmoms. Attending, utilizing the services needs to be her choice — her choice and the new dad’s if they are to have a chance to succeed.

Your friend is going to need your listening ear for a while.