I’m about done with him

[Katluv]

My adult son is not acting like an adult. He is almost 25 and just being irresponsible and stupid. This has been an ongoing issue for a few years now. I thought by now he’d grow up. I won’t list the things he’s doing or not doing because there are several.

I told him last night I’m about done having a relationship with him. My mental and physical health have been declining worrying about him and wondering if and when he’ll change.

We’ve always been super close and never in a million years did I think I’d be posting something like this. He told me he loves me very much and he’ll “do better” and “change” but I’ve heard it all before and it’s the same old story.

I feel so defeated on this Sunday morning. I’ve failed as a parent. It’s killing me to write this.

 

[eagles23]

I am so sorry! We were discussing at school this week that parenting our adult kids was way harder than when they were toddlers. (Mostly because we have absolutely no control.) Praying for you, your son, and your relationship.

 

[amiga13]

I’m so sorry, I feel your pain.

In the misery loves company department: DH and I had to step away from our young adult son for a few years. It’s better now, not perfect, but better. To avoid having my soul repeatedly crushed, I’ve had to learn to not believe it until I see it—some people don’t understand the concept of a promise. I had to make some very difficult decisions after DH passed away and I wrote my will.

I’ll be thinking of you and hoping your DS grows up some.

 

[annie_g]

I am so sorry. That must be so hard. Sending good thoughts your way!

 

[Ima Spedtcher]

I’m so sorry. My dd is the same age. They warn you about the terrible twos, you know adolescents are hard, potty training, and teaching them how to drive…….I had no clue having adult children can be even harder sometimes!

I seriously don’t know how my mom has done it with 8 of us!

Sending you supportive thoughts.

 

[SusanTeach]

Please don't feel like you've failed as a parent. Once they become adults, they make their own decisions, and have to take their own consequences. It's extremely hard for parents to watch. I know many and have experienced it myself.

My 3 children were so easy as kids and teenagers. When they hit their 20's, that's when it got hard for me. I feel your pain.

You can still love your son without condoning the things he's doing/not doing. Keep praying for him. Some take longer than others to grow up.

 

[cruxian]

I am so very sorry. The parenting road is a hard one.

 

[anna]

I am sorry for your worries. Parenting an irresponsible adult is stressful. DH and I went through some irresponsibility nightmares from our young adult son and the only way he finally straightened up was to finally stop helping him. We were on the road to letting go and when DS pulled the final straw we cut the apron string completely. He lost his hard earned car . He had let an unpaid stack of tickets pile up and one morning woke up to the car being gone. The city took it. Three years later he paid off his debt to the city and slowly earned money to get a car on his own. I remember worrying so much about him riding his bike to and from school and work in the dark and sometimes in the rain. He made it through this rough patch and is a very responsible adult now. I believe your son will pull through and so will you.

 

[linda2671]

Step back but not out

You need to step back for your own mental health, but consider letting him know you will never step out of his life completely. He needs to know you will always love him, even if you cannot be a part of his life right now.

 

[Ima Spedtcher]

I seriously don’t know how my mom has done it with 8 of us!

Come to think of it- I don’t think she is happy with how any of us turned out

It’s the letting go, standing back while they create their own successes and messes that is so hard to do as a parent.

But don’t ever say you failed! I consider getting them to 18 a success. Anything they do well after 18 gives you parenting bonus points, and any major screw up is on the new adult you created- you did manage get them to 18 after all!

 

[Tori58]

If you can find a way to do it, try to cut the apron strings and detach yourself emotionally without making a complete break. I would agree that the transition into adulthood is absolutely the most difficult part of parenting because you feel so helpless. It's not fun watching them face the consequences of their own irresponsibility but sometimes it's the only way they learn.

Not that girls are easy, either, but it seems to be a pretty common thing for young men to keep acting like adolescents well into their 20's. You haven't failed.

 

[Starr]

I have a brother who was a complete mess at that age. I think my parents thought he'd be that middle aged dude living in their basement forever. They tried so many things, went out of their way to try and get him help, but he just wasn't motivated. Eventually I think they just resigned themselves to reality and took a step back and stopped trying.

It took him a few years, but he got decided to get his act together when he was 30. Moved out, made a fresh start in a new city, found a job path that suited him (he's just not cut out for the 9-5 type of job) and hung in there even though it was tough going for the first few years. I think that was the first time in his life where he didn't give up when things were hard.

It's 10 years later and he's come such a long way, I don't think any of us would have predicted he'd be a responsible homeowner with a good credit score, and with a thriving career who has made a good life for himself. (Of course, now my parents are hoping he will settle down and have a family, but that just shows how far he's come, they couldn't even envision that for him at age 25.)

I'm leaving out a lot of the gory details, so believe me, if he could accomplish this turn around, almost anyone can.

 

[Coopsgrammy]

Adult Kids

My DS is 32, and finally seems to be "getting it together ". Hoping it sticks this time.
Hang in there!

 

[linda2671]

Some teens’ brains don’t fully develop til after 25

They have done studies.
https://paradigmtreatment.com/teens-brain-fully-developed-age/

 

[Loveslabs]

Adult Children

I just posted last week about my struggles with parenting an adult child. Parenting is so hard!

My brother was a hot mess all of his life until he ended up with sole custody of his child. The child’s mom disappeared. At the time, my brother was 46. If my brother can turn his life around, then anyone else can certainly do the same. Like a previous poster stated I’m leaving out the gory details, but trust me when I say miracles can and do happen.

Hang in there!

 

[twin2]

You didn't fail as a parent

Twenty five is still a little young for some people to "get it together". There is always hope. Sometimes we just need protect ourselves from what they are doing, but don't ever give up. At the least, they need to know we love them and have faith in them to get on the right track. Sometimes though, they need a wake up call. Maybe what you did is just that, a wake up call.

When my oldest two made me feel like a failure by their choices, my pastor said there are no perfect parents. He reminded me that even Adam and Eve weren't messed up. I had trouble believing things could ever be right again, but many years later, things are much better.

 

[MKat]

I see great hope in the fact that he admitted he needs to change and do better. That's a big part of the battle right there!

 

[luvmycat]

I really appreciate the support that I hear so many of you continue to provide for your adult children even when they may fall short of your expectations. You are truly good role models.

Hang in there Katluv!

 

[Katluv]

Thanks for all

Of the kind words and advice. We are talking a bit and trying to work through things.

My son is just doing dumb things, nothing super serious or harmful. He knows I WILL step away if necessary. Hopefully he’ll grow up and it won’t come to that!

I’m hanging in there!