I am so sick of being married! (long)

[Anonymous]

I have been married for around six months now. We dated eight years (not living together) before we were married. The first few months were great. Then things started to change. My husband is good to me for the most part, but he does things that really hurt me other times. For example, we NEVER have sex. He says that he wants to with me, but he stays pretty frustrated that I don't do more around the house, so he is not always in the mood. Let me give a little background about his habits. He is borderline OCD. He has to ALWAYS be doing something. If he is not, or I am not, he sees it as lazy. I'm sorry, but the last thing that I want to do after teaching a long day of school is come home and work for hours on the house. I understand that things need to be done, but not every single day. I keep the house reasonably clean and we do not have kids yet (which I realize will make it impossible for me to sit on the couch very much at all). That is why I do not want kids right now. I also go to the grocery store and cook for him on a regular basis. He seems to forget that part.

We have been having arguements about those types of things for a while now. Well, now there is another problem. A girl that had dated his best friend a couple of years ago called my husband's phone Sunday night (she was after him while she was dating his friend). At first, he said that he did not who the call was from. Then, he said it was her and listened to the voicemail that she had left. I could hear it and heard her say that she was "calling him back." I was furious! He said that the night before (I was out of town) that someone had been pranking him and he thought it was her. So, he called her but she did not answer. I asked him to call her back and tell her not to call at all, but he would not do it in front of me because he was afraid that I would "start something." I was just beside myself with anger! He went out to his truck to call her and came back in to tell me that she had only called because he called her. This girl has been a problem before, so I don't believe that she innocently called him back. Furthermore, why is her number still in his phone? I deleted it a long time ago. He said that he kept the number as kind of a caller i.d. thing, but that doesn't make sense either.

Finally, he is wanting to take a job where he will always work shift work. There is a possibility that he will not have his current job through next year. He is very qualified and will probably not have difficulty finding a job that will help us pay our bills. However, he is hell bent on this shift work stuff. We will NEVER see one another. I feel like we have enough problems already! He said that he will turn it down but it will be "my fault" if we loose our house in a year (which is very unlikely).

I just don't know what to do. I am SO tired of him treating me like an enemy. I know that he loves me, but it is hard for me to see sometimes. It was not like this when we dated. Do most marriages stay rocky for the first part? Is this semi-normal? I don't know what to do! I do not want a divorce. I do not really believe in divorce and I don't want to loose him. I just feel like I am the only one that cares. Any advice is really needed right now. Thanks so much!

 

[Kiki]

Ouch!

To me marriage is all about trust. I do not like the phone call thing at all- Big Red Flags. The fact that he wants to talk to her away from you has me worried as well. and not wanting to have sex? What is up with this guy? I would suggest you try to talk him in to counseling for some of these issues before things get even worse. ((((((HUGS))))))

 

[NCteach]

I agree

I have been married for almost 2 years now and it has been the best time of my life. Now that is not to say that there haven't been times that I didn't want to choke him. The biggest think in our relationship is communication. If there isn't good communication then there is trouble. I think you both should seek counseling if you are serious about saving your marriage. I don't think marriage is supposed to be like you are describing. Best of luck to you. I wish you well.

 

[Hifiman]

I agree that the phone thing is an issue for concern, but I'm not so sure about the other things. The OCD thing must have been with him long before you chose to marry him; given that, it's really unfair to him to mention it as an irritant to you since you knew that baggage came with him.

My assumption is that your relationship did not deteriorate after the wedding vows. 8 years is a long time to date. Why didn't you live together to see how compatible you are? I'm betting you two already had issues that couldn't be resolved with a marriage certificate. And you say that you never have sex. Does this mean you two have literally never done it? Was sex an issue before marriage?

 

[kirsten]

I'm sorry

but my gut says he is a LIAR and not to be trusted. This is from the been there, done that choir. He had to go out to his truck to call her back??? Oh no - absolutely not. He is playing games with you and with her. I would put my foot down right now. If he is not willing to either have a face to face with the three of you or a phone call where he says to her - no more contact because it has made my wife uncomfortable and my marriage is more important than any friendship on earth, then that would be a deal breaker for me. End of discussion. That on top of the other issues you have mentioned suggests real problems and considering you've only been married for 6 months, you might be better off breaking it off now before there are kids in the mix. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not a proponent of divorce, but if he is siding with a "friend" over you at this stage of the game, where will he be 7 years from now when there are screaming kids, a messier house, and bigger problems? If there's not enough glue to hold you together as newlyweds, what will happen then after the newlywed glow has started to wear off? I don't see the point in being miserable for years. Life is too short.

 

[bamateach]

marriage

The first year of marriage is rough! You are getting used to living with someone who is totally different from you. My first year of marriage was full of fights and arguements. Many of the arguements sounded much like what you have mentioned. House keeping, money, etc..... Now 11 years later it was all worth it. We are absolute best friends. I love being with my husband and I know BY HIS ACTIONS that he loves being with me. I know it is corny but we do complete each other. That being said I totally agree with the other posters about the phone thing. Even if there is nothing going on that shows that he has very little respect for you and for your feelings. I guess my advice would be to sit down with him when thinngs are not hostile and noone is upset. I would ignore all the other issues at this time as they are really normal and hopefully will work themselves out as you become used to living together. I would address phone thing and the lack of respect. Tell him how you feel. And if you find out that anything is going on run.

 

[ogteacher]

It sounds like you have some serious trust issues simmering here. Since it is so early in your marriage, these are things to address right away before a negative pattern is set for your relationship. The combination of the phone situation and the different shift are red flags.

Is he willing to see a marriage counselor with you?

 

[Anonymous]

Yes...

he said that he would go to a counselor with me. He assured me that he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me. He said that the phone situation looked bad and that he was sorry. I just do not know what to believe anymore.

 

[Newbie]

I don't have experience here, but my gut says that he's lying to you. I have been married for 5 years, and we didn't go through anything as tough as what you two are going through. Yes, we had arguments and sometimes needed space, but it would have been OVER if he had to go call a girl from outside. I think counseling is a great idea for you two.