in-laws, again (long, sorry)

[Giggles]

I have posted about this before and they are at it again.

1) My husband and I were married a month ago on a cruise. WE paid for his mother and sister to go (out of our wedding budget) because they couldn't afford it. Everyone else that went - paid their own way! Now, I am regretting paying for them at all. His mother griped the whole time about not having enough money to go. Those of you who have cruised before (4 day) - know that's ridiculous! Now she is griping that she spent all her money on the cruise and has no money to pay rent! ARGH! So, my DH loans her 500.00 for her rent - luckily she DOES pay back. Unlike his sister!

2) His sister is another story. Her home is about to be forclosed on! She has already been given around 5000.00 by their father to help her with mortgage payments in the past - none of which has ever been paid back. My DH has loaned her money in the past - with the agreement that she would clean his house - never happened. Now - she is about to ask her father - my FIL - for another 3000.00 to try to save herself from forclosure. ARGH!! You know - my DH and I WORK HARD for EVERYTHING we have and NOBODY has given us a penny! If they have - we are adament on paying back ASAP! I hate the fact that people out there always want someone to bail them out! Hopefully, FIL will not give her the money this time - he's irritated about it all!

3) We just had our wedding reception (we spent near 1000.00) at our house this weekend. Has a bunch of family spend the night. Well - I get up off the couch about 4 am - yes, it was a wild party - to go to bed - and here's Dear Sister in Law and her 2 girls asleep in our bed!!!!!! AARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!??? Is it just me - or is that not so rude! First of all - the girls are only 12 and 13 - they should not have been at our party that late - they should have left early with their father! And as a mother - she should have made them get on the floor - where she should have been herself!!! So, my DH and I slept on a rug on hardwood floors in our living room - because everyone was everywhere else. Needless to say - I didn't really sleep that night!

4) THEN - the next morning she has the nerve to sleep as late as possible.

5) We spent quite a bit of money on this party. Part of which was on food - do you think she offered any money when she volunteered to take the leftovers? Nope - 175.00 on wings and she eaegerly volunteered to take them home for her and her family. UGH! Not that I would mind giving them to her, but come on.

ALL I am asking for from them is a little respect and appreciation - all they do is come over to our house - make themselves TOO much at home and take and mooch whatever they can!

My husband feels the same - we are so stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes to what and how to say anything to them.

Anyone else with this problem - anyone have any suggestions?

My DH - adores his sister - and his response is always - she doesn't get it and that's just the way she is - same with his mother - although he doesn't adore her as much.

 

[Donna4]

It takes 2 (or 3)

You may have to be harsh, but it takes two willing parties for someone to take advantage of another person. In this case, it's you two and the in-laws.

Invoke the "we're newlyweds" and just decline their company if they invite themselves over. Create some distance. There is no law that says you HAVE to loan money. Only loan money you can afford to not get paid back. Otherwise, invole the "we're newlyweds." You don't owe anyone an explanation. Period.

It sounds like his mom is bitter/unhappy. But at least hse paid back the money. She CHOSE to go on the cruise. It's something I could not afford, and when a friend got married, I CHOSE not to go because it was on an island. I was very happy she was getting married and told her so, but I couldn't afford it. YOU chose to pay for the mom, consider it a thank you for raising someone you wanted to married and be done with it.

You're on your way to being very resentful. Have a heart to heart with hubby about what the two of you will help with financially, and what other sort of "ehlp" you'll provide. My 2 cents...if sis is always needing bailing out with her mortgage, it sounds more like enabling rather than helping. Did she lose a job? Have medical problems? Or is just a poor money manager? A short term problem or a long term problem?

Sorry to be blunt. Some nights the students just wear me out and I have no filters left for niceties. Good luck- you sound like a nice person. Just remember to smile and say "we're newlyweds!"

 

[MrsM]

Donna made some good points, I totally agree with her. The main point is, that this is how these people are and you will not change them. They are not willing to change. You have to arrange yourself and your lives to be least affected by them. I've been reading a book for a study group at school, A Framework for Understanding Poverty by Ruby Payne, and this reminds me of the way money is viewed by people of poverty. The feelings and thoughts about life can hang through 3 generations, so even though they don't seem to be poverty-type people, it could have been there in the past. In poverty, if someone in a group has money, the expectation is to share it. There is no boundary with money like there is in middle-class. She didn't think it was rude to sleep in your bed, so what you could have done is to wake her and say you'd like to go to bed now, she can find another place. (though I can understand you not doing that)

Create some distance and make a comfortable relationship with them, in whatever way you can. Good luck!

 

[conneg]

boundaries

Hi,

You need to learn some boundaries, girl! Go get a few books from the Boundaries series by Cloud and Townsend. They have one specifically on marriage boundaries. You need to learn the thought patterns and exact words to use with these boors! You will be dealing with freeloaders all of your marriage which may break if you and hubby don't agree on an effective way to handle these folks. Finances and inlaw problems are two HUGE reasons for divorce. Start protecting your marriage and finances. I consider this issue critical in your life, so quick...!
Connie

 

[Giggles]

Great Advice!

You all have great advice and it was well needed!

Donna - yes, you are right - I am on my way to resentment - and I don't want to be. Yes, sister is a very poor money manager - gets it from mom - imagine that! Also - no education - and her and her husband are job hoppers, and she just went through very severe breast cancer about 5 years ago (before me) and lost a breast. And her husband did not have her on his insurance - she was not covered!

I just don't get hwo they work - They have such different priorities. My 1st priority is always car and mortgage. I just don't get them period.

Luckily, my husband will not give anymore money to his sister. We have talked about that. He is tired of bailing her out. And - he will give to his mother because she does pay back. It's just irritating that my MIL - who is supposed to be the grown up - can't manage herself. She, too, is uneducated, married and divorced young - and never was capable of providing without ex's child support and alimony. and in my bitter opinion - she's lazy!!!!!

She's also very bitter about losing her 37 year old son to me. That's her lean on. She's always depended on him and wanted him as a mama's boy - but he's never fallen to it. He gets very frustrated with her, too. I just don't want to say the wrong thing about them being that it is his family. But - I've said some things in nice ways and he's got the picture.

By the way - both of them will call my phone looking for him!!! ARGH - that irritates me the most - I am not his keeper and we are not ALWAYS together!!!!!! ARGH! I guess that goes with the I marrired his family! :>)

Mrs.M - I totally did think of waking her, but, like you said - I figured it was one night - then they'll be gone - and I won't have to deal with it anymore! AND I LOVE Ruby Payne - I worked in inner city and had to read that.

Thanks for all the advice - I think I am doing the right things by mentioning to my husband my feelings in a nice way. We have talked a bit about the situation. I think the best thing I can do is tolerate them when I have to (which isn't that often) - like was said - make it comfortable - and enjoy my time to the fullest when they are not around!!! ha ha!

I guess that's what marriage is all about - compromising and dealing...I'm learning early! :>) Luckily - they are genuinely nice, good hearted people. And I always try to remind myself of that when they irk me!

 

[trailpaint]

Been there-Got the T-Shirt

I feel your pain! At least your husband supports you on this! We've been put in financial ruin by both of our families; however, I can admit my side of the family's part in it. His family does no wrong. I can't even bring it up without starting an argument.

In-laws are a pain! There is a good book about toxic relationships--wish I could remember the name. Its how to deal with people you can't avoid dealing with! Good luck! I really mean that!