My 14 year old moved out!

[Sandra L]

I am so sad cause my 14 year old daughter moved out to go live with her dad and stepmother. We all live in the same town, and I see my daughter on the weekends but I feel like I have lost my daughter. Now my ex and I have not been to court to change custody yet, cause we're both unsure if this is permanent or not because of the circumstances of why she moved out.
My daughter moved out because her grandmother(my mother) moved in with us. My mother broke her hip, and is on oxygen. I work so I had to hire a full-time aide to live with us during the week, and it has really upset my daughter. My daughter could not stand the aide, and also couldn't stand her grandmother. My mother is not the nicest person and can be quite rude. My mother acts like a child at times and when she doesn't get what she wants she starts screaming at people(including my daughter) and slams doors in peoples faces. Also my ex and I have a VERY good relationship and my mother has completely undermined that by saying horrible things to my daughter about her father. My daughter would come to me in tears about things her grandmother had said to her. I spoke to my mother about this and she didn't think it was any big deal and thought my daughter should know the "truth" about her father. Even though my ex and I were not happy married, he is a good father. My daughter also told me that with her grandmother and the aide living with us she felt like she had no privacy and like she was living in a nursing home. Because of my mother's conditions we have a lot of medical equipment here. Even though my mother is not in the best of health she can manage to live with me with some assistance so she doesn't have to go to a nursing home. I feel like I am stuck in the middle. If I take care of my mother, I loose my daughter, and if I take care of my daughter my mother will have to go to a nursing home. I am also an only child so taking care of my mother is completely my responsibility. My mother thinks she's the whole reason my daughter moved out and she does feel guilty and like a burden. My mother is a burden on me, but I don't want her to feel responsible for my daughter's choice to move out. But some things my mother has said have been disturbing. She told me it would be better if she were dead so she wouldn't be a burden on everyone and so my daughter would feel comfortable in her home.
My daughter has been staying at her dad and stepmother's for the past 3 weeks, and has visited me for one weekend since the aide is not here on the weekends. She says she really likes living with her dad and stepmother. Her stepmother only works part-time so she is able to pick her up from school everyday. Plus she has a younger stepsister and says she enjoys having a sibling. My daughter also tells me that at her dad's she's not ashamed of where she lives and likes to invite friends over there, and says she would be humiliated to bring any of her friends over to my house cause of all the medical equipment. She tells me that her stepmother always cooks dinner and helps her with her homework, all of which I am too tired to do when I get home. I can't give her these things. Also even though we have an aide in the evenings I am tending to my mother's needs and don't have much time for my daughter. I feel awful about it, and feel like I have failed as a mother. My daughter has the right to choose who she wants to live with because of her age, but I feel like I have completely lost my daughter because I have chosen to take care of my elderly mother(who's 80). I just don't know what to do. Should I let my daughter stay with her dad and stepmother and take care of my mother, or should I send my mother to a nursing home so that I can be a mother?

 

[Miss C]

I'm so sorry!

What a difficult set of circumstances! I wish I had advice for you, but I don't. Seems like you're "between the devil and the deep blue sea", as my mother used to say. I do know that God will reward you for your faithful care of both your mother and your daughter. Know that my prayers and thoughts are with you.

 

[MKat]

What would you advise your daughter to do if, years from now, she were in the same situation?

 

[Tounces]

re daughter

I'm sorry, but I think your daughter is rude. She says she's embarrassed by her grandmother's medical equipment. Let's hope she never needs any. She likes living with her dad because her stepmom is able to give her more attention? I think she's trying to lay a guilt trip on you. You have to work to provide for you and her and your mom. Sounds spoiled too. Your mom is feeling bad and wishes she wasn't around. What she said might not have been nice, but she is probably in pain. People who are suffering have difficulties being nice all the time. Your daughter probably said some things to her too. Your daughter said she didn't like not having privacy but then she has a stepmom who's around more often than you. I feel sorry for you to be put in the middle here, but your daughter is wrong. She needs to learn how to empathetic towards others. But I guess at her age they have problems thinking about others. She is only thinking about herself. I say let her live there then. If she doesn't appreciate what you are doing for her and your mom, then let her go. Maybe when she grows up more she'll realize she has no right to be ashamed.

 

[Sandra L]

daughter

I found your response a bit rude. I'm not saying that my daughter isn't just thinking about herself, but I have also seen what my mother has done to her. There are times I have gotten into major arguments with my mother for not respecting boundaries in MY house. I invited her to live here, and from the momement she got here all she has done is order my daughter around, insult her, and badmouth my daughter's father. Respect should go both ways. Yes my daughter needs to be respectful, but children learn from example. And what my daughter saw was her grandmother being more immature than she is. And as far as the privacy issue, yes my daughter's stepmother is around more. However my daughter tells me that her stepmother always knocks before entering, which is something her grandmother never did. Also my mother went through my daughter's entire room reading several of my daughter's diaries. So there is a lack of respect that my mother has. I don't know what the answer is. I know my daughter is uncomfortable around older people, but my mother has serious boundary issues.

 

[Renea]

The door's always open

What a decision you have to make! I have no idea what that choice should be.

Years ago I had to put my father in a nursing home. I was teaching, had two little boys at home, and taking care of my dad at home was just too much for us. Taking my dad to a home was a horrible feeling. I told my dad how hard the choice had been for me. He took my hand and told me that “Everything is all right. Don’t worry” That was the best gift my father ever gave me. I’m so sorry for you since your mom is unable to give you the same gift. I know that I want my children to parent their children. They have no obligations to me.

This situation does bring to mind a similar one. I have a friend who had a horrible fight with her teenage children and they moved out of her house and into their father’s house. There were terrible words and hurt feelings. She let the children know that they were not to come back and the door to her heart was closed. Unfortunately, the children have never returned to their mother’s house and have completely abandoned her. After fifteen years this mother, effectively, has no children at this time.

Whatever you do, let your daughter know that you love her dearly and the door to your heart is always open. Tell her that there is nothing that she can do, no choice that she will make, that will end the love you have for her. Demonstrate your unconditional love for her.

 

[Tounces]

re Sandra

Well you asked for opinions and that is mine. I'm sure I don't have all the information like you just added more now. But I don't feel that I said anything rude at all. But it seems to me that if you're "embarrassed" by someone's need to have medical equipment then that just isn't right. I have volunteered my time to help out those less fortunate than myself. I have an elderly grandmother myself. I would never dream of treating her as though she is a burden. Your grandmother feels bad-bad enough that she is talking about not wanting to be around. Isn't that awful? I think you are taking your daughter's side because your mom attacked your ex. Yes, that was wrong. But your daughter has a lot of growing up to do. You seem like you're taking care of your mom out of love. You don't want her to be in a nursing home. Maybe one weekend you could take your daughter to see what a nursing home looks like. Has she ever volunteered to do something for someone else? Maybe if she does this enough she will understand more on the importance of helping others. I believe its a good life lesson.

 

[Sandra L]

my mother

Like I said my mother does not respect privacy or boundaries and this is something I need to address with her. She doesn't just do this with my daughter, but with me as well. My mother snoops in our home, and I just recently had to get a lock for my bedroom because of her going in there. There have been many incidents where she has invaded privacy. The worst case was when she went through my room found old papers of mine in a cabinet file which contained my divorce agreement and showed it to my daughter to proove that I am the better parent. I have really tried to keep my daughter out of adult issues and my mother has not respected that one bit. My ex was furious when he found out what my mother did and I can't blame him. So my ex and I talked to my daughter together about how she should never have seen what was in that document and that Grandma was way out of line. We explained to our daughter that we get along, and thats what is important, not what Grandma thinks about her dad.
On the other hand my daughter does argue as does my mother. They are both very opinionated and both have to be right, which is an awful combination.
I know it seems like I am taking my daughter's side. But my point is that my mother is the adult here and my daughter is the child, and my mother is acting more like a child.
My daughter will not go to nursing homes at all. Or hospitals for that matter. When my mother has been in the hospital and I have taken my daughter with me she would come in and say hello to her grandmother and then wait in the lobby. My daughter gets a very sick feeling by just being in hospitals.

 

[Tounces]

how about

Maybe there could be some sort of in between type of compromise. Are there any types of daycare for seniors in your area? Something to keep her busy with others and have something to do. Maybe she's bored. Does she have outside interests the aide could help her with? Does she have friends nearby? Or, there is another option. My grandma was in assisted living before. They had apartments where they could call for help (on-site) if needed and there were scheduled times when people would come and help her. There were also activities for the residents to be involved in. They are monitored, but not full-time. The place she was in was very nice. I think you or your mom might be able to apply for financial help to cover some of the costs if needed.
I don't care for hospitals either. But still think its a good idea for her to volunteer doing something. Some schools even make it a requirement now-service learning. It must be hard on you to live with all that arguing. Maybe some family counseling would be beneficial too. Hope all goes well whatever you decide. You can still be a mother even if your daughter decides to stay with her dad. By telling you how great she has it over there, I feel she's trying to make you choose between her or your mother. You are the adult. You make the decisions. If she wants she can move back in, but if she doesn't don't feel guilty. You didn't tell her to leave and she's welcome back. She might get tired of living over there in time too. Lots of kids from divorced parents move back and forth when they have disagreements with one or the other.

 

[Sandra L]

my daughter

I don't know if my daughter is trying to make me choose between my mother and her. She could be. But she's done things like this before my mother got sick. Like when she was younger and would go over to her dad's, my ex would tell me all she talks about is Mommy, Mommy, Mommy and tell my ex Mommy took me to the amusement park and Mommy doesn't make me do whatever my ex would be making her do. It caused problems when my ex got remarried and my daughter would tell her stepmother that Mommy doesn't do it that way and Mommy doesn't cook it that way. But we worked through that issue and now my daughter loves her stepmother and accepts that her stepmother does things differently than I do. Maybe its a kid of divorce thing to tell the other parent how much you like it over at the other house. Who knows.

Assisted living sounds like a good idea. Even if it weren't for my daughter's attitude towards her grandmother, I just don't think I can take taking care of my mother for years and years. When I try to help my mother she yells at me, when I'm trying to prevent her from going to a home. I give her baths on weekends and all she does is scream at me. If she were at a home I doubt the aides there would be as gentle as I am or would cater to all her demanding needs as I do. My mother has never once told me Thank you for what I do for her. All she does is complain and yell at people.

Boundaries are something my mother is not respecting, some of which have nothing to do with my daughter. My mother is inconsiderate of everyone. My mother would blare the tv til 2AM. Both my daughter and I could never get to sleep because of this. I finally got her earphones to hear the tv so I could sleep. But I and my daughter went a couple of weeks like this. To my mother the whole world revolves around her and her every desire should be catered to. This isn't anything new. When I went away to college 5 hours away(many years ago) she would call me at college to come home and help her with some household thing. So she has a history of expecting everyone to drop what they are doing and come to her rescue. When I got married to my ex she wasn't happy for me, but resentful I was moving an hour away and told my ex that she did not like him cause he was taking her daughter away from her. She has never accepted the fact that I am an adult with my own life to lead.

Counseling sounds like a good idea, and I think it would be beneficial for my daughter. But my mother is old and set in her ways of being bitter and hating the world. But we could give it a try and see how things go. My daughter went through counseling when her dad got remarried and it helped tremendously.

 

[MrsM]

I read your initial post and the first couple of responses, and I'll be honest in that I didn't read through all the responses. If it were me, I would honestly find another solution for mother. Your home is your daughter's home. Your mother and her situation are destructive to the people in the home. Your obligation is to take care of your mother, but it is not your obligation to have her in your home, causing problems. I would be listening to my daughter, since this is a time in her life that things are topsy-turvy anyway, and I wouldn't need to be adding to it.

 

[Teach 5]

another question

Has your mother always been this way? Personality changes can be brought about by chemical changes in the body & brain as people age. Have you discussed this with her doctor? Perhaps, some medication would help.
On the other hand if she has always been like this, than it won't help. I think for your physical and emotional health your mother needs some sort of placement in an assisted living facility. I'm not sure about the situation with your daughter, but it sounds like a very unhealthy environment for you as well. It would be one thing if we all knew how long we would live but your mother could live for another 10-15 years. Do you really feel you can live in this environment for that long without having your own health issues from all of the stress?
Your daughter is 14, it's one of the most difficult & self-conscious ages for girls. You may have to let her go, so that she will come back to you. I'm sure she is in a "honeymoon" period right now & things will change as she lives there longer.

I wish you luck, you are between a rock & a hard place. My thoughts are with you. Counseling my help you to sort out all of these issues.

 

[kirsten]

I have to agree with everything Mrs. M said.

While I think it's important to teach your daughter that people change with age and her grandmother's rude and disrespectful behavior is just that, but that she should still do her best to continue to be respectful to her elders just the same. Explain to her how aging and chronic pain can cause changes in personality and emotions. In the meantime, make other arrangments for your mom. Place her near your home so you can continue to see her often and help her out, but you need your own space and your daughter needs you.

 

[REB]

SandraL....I read your post, and just wanted.

Hi. I just wanted to say that I'm praying for you and your family.
I understand that I'm not there, so I'm not sure exactly what you are experiencing. However, I can tell you this, I had a similiar situation with my not being able to take care of myself, last year, after a traumatic injury, in which I almost lost a foot,(fell through concrete steps last March...11 months ago today.) and it had to be reattached.I have a scar that runs from the front of my foot, to the back, and another scar about 5 inches long up the other side of the same foot. I went from being VERY independent, teaching at two schools every day half a day, working out at a gym 3-4 times a week, taking care of running around after my little girl after school, going to the park with her, taking her on trips to the mall on our own, to being in a wheelchair, and having to depend on my mom and dad to bathe, clean my potty, and help me get dressed, and fed. Talk about a huge humbling experience. My grown brother still lives at home, and he wasn't too happy about my moving home all of sudden. I can't say I was either, as we lived in an apartment - upstairs at the time, with 16-20 steps, so we really didn't have the choice, but to wait for a downstairs apartment to come open, and that took another month, so even though the move was temporary...it took me 8 1/2 months to learn to walk again. I have a plate, pin, and six screws in my leg for the rest of my life, and eventually instead of blaming everyone else, and being mean about my situation, I started to be thankful for what I had, my foot...my family....my little girl...and wanted to walk again....because I was given a second chance. Perhaps right now, your mom is experiencing the hateful behavior as a way of hiding how she really feels...it can be very depressing having someone else take care of you...I couldn't even take a shower in my own shower...(had to have someone help me take sponge baths...from March until June last year.)
But, in the end, I now walk with a limp, and am trying to walk without a cane at school, and made it COMPLETELY around Super Wal-Mart today, pushing a cart, without a cane! But, there is not one day, that my foot doesn't swell, or there isn't discomfort...but eventually I got sick and tired, of watching the world pass me by, and decided to make more effort to get out of the condition I was in.
I'm sorry that you are the punching post for her anger.
I'm praying for you.
REB

 

[javamomma]

Imo

My daughter would come first.

 

[momof3teens]

my girls would come first

To Sandra L - I stay out of a lot of the conversations on this board and only post occassionally, but I just felt that you could use one more vote of support (and a big hug - but I can't send that here!).

Not telling you what to do - but my vote is my girls would come first. And given the fact that you have the option of putting your mother in a nursing home (if I understood correctly), you would NOT be choosing one over the other - your mother would be taken care of, so you would not be neglecting her well-being, and your daughter would get the stable, loving home she deserves.

This is a decision you'll have to make since we all don't have the details that you are dealing with. Just wanted to let you know that if your heart tells you to put your daughter first, I'm with ya!!

 

[momof3teens]

one more thing

Just reading back over the posts. I think MrsM said it better than I did - I completely agree with everything she posted.

just wanted to throw that in. : )

 

[Tounces]

re mom

Nursing homes are the last resort. Have you ever visited them? How would you like to send someone there or be in one someday yourself? Her mom is able to take care of herself part time so I suggested assisted living. The daughter was being manipulative and thoughtless. The daughter will be fine, she has two homes with three parents to take care of her. Her mother had nobody else to her help. There should be a win-win solution instead of just giving into a daughter who doesn't get her way. To suggest the daughter doesn't have a stable, loving home she deserves is a bit 'presumptuous'. She sounds like she is doing fine either way.

 

[fun_friend]

I'm a daughter of divorce as your 14-year-old is. Comments she's made that paint such a rosy pic of life at her dad's do seem symptomatic of a child of divorce. I would be glad she's so happy at her Dad's. He is her parent too. Daughter's comments about being embarrassed about medical equipment, etc. just show a level of immaturity, or maybe she's trying to rationalize the choice she's made. She would probably like to be with just you again, but Grandma is just too much.

I think you are doing God's work taking care of your mom. Your mom sounds like a handful too snooping around your house and alienating your daughter as she has done. I would definitely be insisting on boundaries with Mom! She really needs to be checked! She should stay out of bedrooms and cease snooping.

Your mom will not last forever. You sound like you are overwhelmed anyway with caring for her and working yourself. If your daughter is happy enough at your ex's house, be happy for her. Life is long. You will always be her mom and will have the opportunity to mother her again. The honeymoon at your ex's house could end and she just might be back with hat in hand.

I really admire you for caring for your mom like you are doing. Especially if you could be putting her in a nursing home and making yours and your daughter's lives less complicated. God's work often involves being out of your comfort zone and suffering to some degree. Your daughter, despite everything, is learning a lot from this experience about what people who love each other do for each other. You are caring for a mom that is not the easiest to love. You are allowing your beloved daughter to live with her dad even though you miss her on a day-to-day basis. The day may come when she's called upon to care for her own aged parent(s). Hopefully she'll be over her discomfort about hospitals and medical equipment by then. She'll have your example to follow though.

 

[Sandra L]

my mother

You're right my mother has never been easy to love. She has always been like this. She has always played the victim and made me feel like if I don't tend to her every need she'll be all alone. My mother has this way of making me feel like I have to devote my entire life to taking care of her cause I "owe" her. My mother is still talking about how painful childbirth was, and thats why I "owe" her. She really lays on the guilt thick. I really did not want to take care of my mother and would prefer her be put in a home, but felt I had to out of obligation as her only child. When she got sick I really wished I had a sibling to take the burden off me. I hate it that all of this falls on me. I hate that my mother snoops, takes advantage of me, alianates and insults my daughter, and screams and yells at people when she doesn't get her way. But its no surprise. My mother has thrown tantrums and fits her entire life if she didn't get her way. For now my daughter seems happy at her Dad's so for now thats where she will stay. Plus, it may be good for her to develop a closer relationship with him and for him to start being a real parent instead of Disneyland Dad who takes our daughter on all these fun outings. Only thing that concerns me about my daughter being over at her Dad's is that he has never had to discipline her, at least on a consistent basis. Once Dad and Stepmom have to start making more rules and disciplining her I doubt she's going to be that happy. I'm more leniant than they are, so after awhile my daughter is in for a big surprise. So I do believe she's in a "honeymoon" phase at her dad's that will end after awhile.

 

[n2n2n2n]

some things to think about

I too read your initial post and I have read some of the responses, but not all of them. Perhaps you might consider a couple of things.
1. Sounds like counselling is in order for all of you (or atleast you and your daughter). An independent, objective party could help you sort out what the real issues are.
2. Your daughter is not disposable. That is a phrase my friend uses when talking about her daughter. It can be a pretty powerful phrase if you think about it.
3. Again, not having read all the responses, and not wanting to sound cruel and heartless, it may be in everyone's best interests for your mother to move to a nursing home where she can receive the care she needs and still have you to visit and support and love her.

 

[maj]

wishing you support

Hi Sandra. I just wanted to wish you luck. You are definitely in a no-win situation. I feel bad that your daughter has been insulted on this board. My own grandmother was never nice to me when I was growing up; she's a very narcissistic person. We didn't get along, and I would *not* have tolerated her well if she came to live with us. I really don't blame your daughter for resenting the situation, and it's also important to point out that she is developmentally at an age when it's normal to be a bit self-centered. Nobody should condemn a young teenager for not being mature enough to handle this situation- she is NOT an adult, and shouldn't be expected to act as an adult. She has only been on this earth for 14 years. Yes, children need to learn compassion, but how many of us can say that compassion comes easily when the person is not exactly lovable? This kid has already been through her parents divorce, and now she's losing her privacy to a 'mean old lady'. I don't really think that it's the medical equipment; if it belonged to her mom or dad or someone that loves her unconditionally, it probably wouldn't be such an issue. She's just a kid, not done growing, with a whole lot of maturing still to do. I think all you can really do at this point is support her, and do your best to spend time with her. You're a member of the 'sandwich' generation, with both kids and parents to take care of. Be sure to take care of yourself, too, because if you're run down you can't take care of anyone else!

Good luck

 

[sad]

society

I think its so sad that in the United States we live in such a "throw away society". In a lot of countries the older generation is looked up to and respected. They take care of their seniors and there are no nursing homes. I think its just so sad to get rid of someone because they are older and infringe on our lives in someway. To put them somewhere where they won't be a burden. That is the nature of our society here. Too bad we can't change it by educating our young to respect our elders in this country too.

 

[Kiki]

mother and daughter

I have to say that I agree with MrsM and Renea. My mother has made us all promise her that if the time comes for her to be unable to live alone, then we MUST put her in a nursing home or assisted living. (She even has it picked out!) I do not think that it is "throwing her away" and I agree with the poster that said "It is the greatest gift ever given." The part that makes me sad is that a parent would ever ask to be chosen over a child. The issue should never even come up. Your mother is nearing the end of her life, your daughter's is only just beginning. While she needs to be understanding of her grandma's condition, she should not ever have to suffer for it.

 

[Teach 5]

Re: sad

I understand what you are saying & do agree that this sometimes happens here in the US. However, this grandmother sounds like she has emotional problems that will be very detrimental to the emotional & physical well-being of those in the house. Sometimes a placement is best for all concerned. The grandmother may even be able to get more help in a facility. Each case should be looked at individually.