only children

[janet]

I have a collegue at work who started having babies really young like in her late teens. She's got 6 kids and thinks everyone should have tons of kids. She thinks its strange that I only have 2 kids. I can't even imagine having 6 kids and teaching. I was talking to her and another teacher when this collegue of mine told me that parents who only have one child are "irresponsible" and hurting their child by not giving them a sibling. This really made me mad cause even though I have 2 kids of my own, I grew up as an only child because of circumstances. My mother would have loved to have had another child but she got cancer in her uterus and had to have a hysterectomy. She was lucky she didn't die from the cancer. The next year she and my dad divorced and my mother has never remarried. So my mother never had the opportunity to have more than one child. I don't think that makes her irresponsible at all and I don't think she scarred me for life by not giving me a sibling. I sort of do have a sibling. When my dad remarried my stepmom I got a younger stepsister. Now she and I aren't close like blood sisters cause we didn't grow up in the same home, but we do call each other some and always see each other at family gatherings and holidays. So I do enjoy sort of having a sibling. I'm close to my stepsister like I'm close to some of my closest cousins. But I don't think I'm scarred for life by not having a blood sibling. I was really irritated by my collegue's comment because she does not know people's circumstances of why they don't have more than one child. It might be by choice, but others might not be able to have more than one child and I certainly don't think that makes a person a bad parent or irresponsible.

 

[MC.]

Please don't take her comments to heart. Everyone has an opinion about something- the problem is until you've walked a mile in another's shoes, you shouldn't judge. Everyone has different experiences and opinions. Hers may be ignorant, but I guess she is entitled. But, I think more people should keep their comments to themself. You never know who you will offend. She probably didn't mean to offend you and maybe didn't know you were an only child. Be happy that you had a good childhood and ignore her.

 

[MKat]

I'd be tempted to say that many people would say it's irresponsible to have six kids - it's all a matter of opinion.

And - since it was just her opinion, don't take it to heart. You're probably not going to be able to change it. Everyone thinks their way is the best, or they wouldn't have made those decisions - some people are just more tactful about it and willing to accept that everyone isn't the same!

 

[phoebe611]

Irresponsible

I must say that I find the comment irresponsible!!! I am an "only" and LOVE it!!! I had cousins to visit and I lived in a neighborhood with friends and classmates. Elementary school was just a few blocks away. I was never lonely. My parents chose to have only one. It's a good thing and was the responsible thing too since they could not afford others. My mother always worked and since she didn't go to college, was stuck with usually minimum wage jobs (doesn't make much more now). I was always able to have the things I need and a few extras as well (field trips, band, etc.) However, with the big stuff like a car and college - I had to pay for my own. I worked two full time jobs to get myself through college (even with scholarships). So, I think it is RESPONSIBLE to have only the children you can afford and love.

Too many people have children that they just don't want or love. How is it responsible to have them if you don't want them???!!!???

 

[javamomma]

dont take it to heart

I would not worry about it.
I personally have 3 children 19, 13, and 3. People are always making comments to me about the 3rd being a suprise or accident. When actually he was very wanted and tried for for 5 years.
I just smile and go on.

 

[janet]

too many kids

I also grew up with lots of cousins. I never felt lonely cause I always had cousins to play with, and growing up my best friend lived a couple houses down.

I too think people should only have as many kids as they can afford. Now my stepmom only had one daughter with her ex cause thats all she could afford. Both her and her ex never went to college and made minimum wage. I think she was very responsible to CHOOSE to only have one child. For my mother, that choice was taken from her cause she could no longer have children after her hysterectomy. So it was great when dad and stepmom married. Both my stepsister and I were only kids, so it was fun to sort of have a sibling.

Both my dad and stepmom grew up in large families. Dad is one of four kids, and stepmom is one of five. Difference is my grandparents were wealthy and could afford to have four. Stepmom's parents lived out in the country and were poor. They could barely afford to keep their family fed. My stepmom has said many times that she loves all her siblings but that her parents just had too many kids. Stepmom's sisters and brothers each only have one or two kids cause thats all they can afford. I guess growing up poor made them realize how hard it would be if they repeated the pattern of having 5 or so kids. So I think stepmom and her siblings are very responsible for choosing to only have as many kids as they can afford. And my stepsister has never felt lonely either. On her mom's(my stepmom) side she has 9 cousins. On my dad's side I have 8 cousins, and now my cousin's have kids. So even though I grew up as an only I have always felt like I was a part of a big family.

 

[Ima Teacher]

Boy, she'd not know what to think of me because I don't have any children.

I enjoyed being any old child. I don't think I missed out on a thing, and I didn't turn out to be a spoiled rotten brat eithe. My DH is also an only child. He, however, IS a bit of a Momma's boy.

I'll quote my FIL on this one . . . opinions are like b*ttholes, everybody's got one.

 

[Tounces]

one

Your collegue sounds like she may be jealous of you believe it or not. I had one child. I thought I was being very responsible since my income was the greatest when he was growing up. Many of my students come from larger families and are on assistance because their parents can't make ends meet. Mine is grown now, but unless she makes a lot I bet her kids go without some things my son had. Plus he got a lot of attention which hers probably don't get. I grew up in a family of only four so I can judge there being 2 more. It would have been very hard on my parents. On the other hand, one aunt and uncle of mine had 13 children. They all turned out great. They had everything we had as kids growing up except they had to share more things like bedrooms. So I guess it comes down to parenting skills and income and not the number that determines how a child can turn out. I would have loved being the only child myself. My son didn't mind one bit. His teachers assumed he must be spoiled and dependent though. He was quite the opposite. These are just stereotypes. Having a sibling or not sure isn't being irresponsible. I would tell her. Sounds like she needs to be educated on this. I don't think this is a healthy way to judge the children or families in her class.

 

[janet]

6 kids

I really try not to judge my colleague. But when she told me how old she was when she had all her kids I about fell over. She had 6 kids by the time she was 25!!! One of her pregnancies were twins! I can't imagine having 6 kids by 25! Not that being a young mother means you won't be a good one, but I think 6 at such a young age isn't a good thing and is bound to be stressful. I sometimes wonder about my colleague's parenting skills though. She's always saying how her daughter is a mean snotty brat. I could never speak about my children that way. But this colleague is a bit lower class where people tend to have more lots of children, and she's just a different kind of parent than I would ever be. Maybe she's jealous of what I have. I went to college and then had my kids after I had been teaching a few years so I could be an involved mom and give my kids my time. I was able to afford to stay at home with each child for two years after they were born, which is something my colleague wasn't able to do. She's always had to work, so maybe she's jealous of that.

 

[bertie]

be careful

Be careful Janet, you are sounding a bit judgemental yourself. Each family's circumstance is personal - if you judge her as "lower class" because she has more children, aren't you doing the same thing she did to you?

I'm one of a large family, and my mom and dad would never ever be considered 'lower class'...neither would my brothers and sisters (yes, all went to college too!! As a teacher, I make the lowest salary and live in the smallest house of all of them - and they never make me feel less important because of that.

 

[janet]

lower class

Maybe I'm being a little judgemental. But I have read that the lower class do tend have more kids and have them younger. But thats their choice, definitely not one I would make. Thats not the kind of life I wanted. I wanted to go to college first and then have my 2 kids so i could give them the attention that they deserve. Maybe my colleague makes it work, but I just don't see how a person who has 6 kids by the time they are 25 is able to give all her kids the attention they need. I have two kids and just my two are a handful.

 

[MrJohns]

What a bunch of Crude Oil!

Now we are lucky this is the teacher's lounge and language and attitude can be had in this room!

Janet, you need to stop thinking about the comment your co-teacher made! You both have choosen two differnt paths and look where they have taken you. You are both in the same place. You both are mothers first and then educators. It dosen't matter how you got there or what college you went to or when you chose to have your children. Lower class is a very rough statement, and whatever you read or chose to believe, still gives you no right to judge. She has been succesful getting to where she is now, and you have been succesful getting to where you are. Leave it at that. If you think about this comment or how your fellow teacher parents.....YOU have the issue!

I know, your children are loved more because you have less, bull (insert bad word). I know you have never been disappointed or embarassed by an action of one of your children...bull (insert bad word) Oops now I am judging. But, parents get embaressed by their children and good for her to recognize that her child is a brat or selfish. At least she knows it and can choose to ignore or deal with the problem.

Let it be, don't say a word to her, and relax and love your children the way you want to and let her love hers they way she wants to. Stay out of her buisness and hopefully you can ignore the buisness she is trying to get into!

Sorry about the harshness!

 

[janet]

kids

Yeah you were a little harsh! Forget about what age you have kids or have many I don't think its ever good to refer to your child as a brat. Hopefully for her it won't ever get back to her child. What if she had been at her home talking to family about her daughter and referred to her daughter as a brat and her daughter overheard that. That would be awful. Maybe its different parenting styles, but no matter what, no matter how awful my kids act I would never tell anyone that my child is a brat. This collegue goes on and on all the time about how mean her daughter is. She says how she wishes she had had a son instead of her daughter. I just wouldn't say those kinds of things about my kids no matter what.

 

[meme]

She sounds very judgemental and rude. It's not up to her to decide who is a good person or not based on the number of children they have. Ignore her. Some could argue that having 6 kids begining in your teens is irresponsible. If it were me, I would point that out to her.

 

[Teach 5]

meme

Saying back to her that she was irresponsible for having 6 kids beginning in her teens, is just being rude. I don't think she realized that she was talking to an only child & I don't think she meant to her comments to be offensive. She is just uninformed. Janet could politely disagree with her & tell about her experiences as an only child. It is only by understanding another person's experiences that we can grown and learn.
Janet, it sounds like your colleage has done the best that she can with what life has given her. We don't know her background, just like she doesn't know yours. Talking to her about this issue, may bring about a better understanding, & maybe next time, she will think before she speaks. We have all put our foot in our mouth & one time or another. Please don't take her comments personnally.

 

[meme]

Yes, I know it would be rude to say that to her. I know it's not nice. But, if someone said anything about me not having tons of kids makes me irresponsible, I would feel like being rude. It's wrong, sorry but that would be my immediate reaction. And I probably wouldn't even speak rude things to her, but I would think them. I don't know if the woman that said these things to Janet was trying to be offensive; like you said she probably doesn't know that Janet is an only child. But, she must have considered how these words would sound to anyone. I'm not an only child and I find her comments very distasteful. Janet, Perhaps a better response is to go to this woman and say, "What you said about only children was very offensive to me, because I am an only child and I want you to understand that not all parents of only children are irresponsible." and then explain what you typed here to us.

 

[Teach 5]

meme

I thought you were suggesting that she go & say those things to her. I understand what you are saying, I would probably be thinking those things also.
Janet, I do agree with Meme that you should go & talk to her & explain why you found her remarks offensive, it might stop her from doing that again.

 

[REB]

I just wanted to add...

I just wanted to add that my mom used to say that to me all the time, right after I was married, when I found out I was pregnant, right after I gave birth....in a very hateful way, about how people who only have one child are being selfish, because that child would be spoiled, and not know how to get a long with other children very well.

that is, until we found out that her only grandchild, my little girl, (who was 3 months and near death at the time of diagnosis), was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis, and we were told that if we decided to have any more children that they're chances of also having CF would be 1 in 2, because we already have a child with CF, my mom changed her tune, and then there was reason for us NOT to have any more children. That was a chance, I didn't want to take, and have another child's life depend on that chronic condition as a possibility. I would not want to go through what I went through with my little one again to save my life...that was the most heart wrenching emotional roller coaster...you blame yourself, then you blame your spouse, then you blame each other, then you blame your family, and your ancestors...then you cope...and start to deal and heal with this, and face facts.

So, to add to your post, I just wanted to say that I made the decision not being selfish and self centered, (I actually considered having more kids, right after my little girl was born, but then when we found out what she was facing, and she started getting very, very sick, in and out of hospitals, and she was diagnosed with CF, at the time I thought it would be selfish of us TO have more kids, when this is a possibility, and even with genetic testing, there's no 100% guarantee that the child wouldn't have CF, until the amniocentisis would be performed, and I don't believe in abortion, so that wouldn't be a choice.
yes...I've given this lots of thought.

And, my parents say that was a smart decision, due to our family circumstances NOT to have anymore children.

REB

 

[fun_friend]

I think the decision to have 1 or many kids is the choice of the parents. It's not anyone else's business. I have two kids. I planned to have two and had two. Had I known how great motherhood is (for me) I might have had more kids if only I started sooner and didn't get my tubes tied, but I have no regrets. I have been all over the map on this topic.

I got interested in a family at a site called famteam.com a few years ago. They have 14 kids (only one is a daughter). It was here that I learned about people who believe birth control is a real sin and that God should decide family size. This was an alien notion to me because my parents definitely believed in birth control despite both coming from large families. Neither wanted a repeat of their own childhoods.

I just think choosing to have kids at all is a personal choice and people who criticize others for their family size have too much time on their hands and need to butt out.

That being said, if people have even one kid that they cannot afford to support without the help of the government, IMHO, is sinful, immoral, wrong or whatever you want to call it. I think it's wrong to even take WIC or food stamps to support your family. I know people must do it, but IMHO these are the people that should take BC seriously. On this famteam site, lots of families have more than 2-3 kids. I just wonder how many of these families DON'T rely on the government to enable their pious lifestyle.

 

[2ndGradeChick]

1 child or 6???

I've teased before that those who had only one child weren't really parents because they missed out on sibiling rivilary!

Seriously, I would have a talk with your collegue and let her know that you were hurt by her comments. Tell her that you both have different ideas about children and that's ok. But ask her to please not discount your life experiences.

Sometimes people say hurtful things because they have verbal diaherrea...they just spew things with out thinking. The other person who said those with one is irresponsible...it just didn't even make sense. Possibly they live in seclusion, have no friends or family around? Continue being a great mom and teacher. That's your calling!