Over and OUT? Not yet.

[kidsrme11]

Ny husband and I are splitting (anger issues are the basic reason - I've posted about his rages before.) He is not in favor of the split - from what he says, it will ruin us both ($$ is his 'thing'). I'm not in love with him anymore. No one in my life (I'm in my forties) has ever been as mean to me as he has. In the 10-20 minutes of his rages he HATES me and "wishes I was a guy so he could beat the *&*% out of me." Isn't that nice? OF course he apologizes (not enough for my liking) and then he thinks I should get over it. He has never understood why I can't get over it. Well, now I'm over him. I have been for over a year now. He asked me to leave right away. I honestly can't wait to not have to live with him. It's so weird. I realize he has a problem and he does too (kind of). I do care about him. I don't want to hurt him. He loves me the best he can. He asked me the other day, after looking for apartments (I'll never own anything) to stay until we can sell our townhouse. I am worried it won't sell. Nothing is selling. I just don't know how long is reasonable to stay. I can go live with my mom, but....
I'm just stuck for a bit and not happy at all. He hasn't "raged" in over 2 months and I know that if he does, I have to go. It's so much work and inconvenience to move half way. We can't afford to pay the mortgage and rent now as I am finishing my masters and paying tuition. I just need to talk about it every now and then. It could be so much worse, I know. I don't know if I am writing about this in the right place. I just needed to talk.

 

[Elyssa]

Don't let money be your "thing" too...

If a man rages and verbalizes that he wishes you were a man so he could beat the blank out of you, I guarantee there is a STRONG possibility that he will cross that line eventually. Why wait? Especially now, when he is feeling rejected, you have NO IDEA when he might blow. Isn't your life worth more than a little financial inconvenience?

I have a friend who is going through something similar right now. He left with another woman; she filed for legal separation. He is an alcoholic and very verbally and emotionally abusive towards her. Yet, for the sake of their "finances," she let him move back in. Meanwhile, he goes back and forth with his little temper tantrums and accusations, blaming everything on her.

I keep telling her to get away from him or at least sleep with her bedroom door locked. I am sick with worry over that situation. She keeps saying he is just "confused" and she doesn't think he would hurt her. I can't even go to their house anymore because I just can't stand to watch her do this to herself AND I don't want to breathe the same air as him. He is ruining her life and she is allowing it.

Don't you have a friend or family member who could take you in for awhile? GET OUT!

 

[dee]

Agree- get out.

First, people who rage are not in control and that line WILL be crossed at some point. It may be the next time, it may not. He will escalate as you complete your masters and become even more $ independent in his eyes. The more he realizes he is "losing" you, the more intense the rages will be come. I have BTDT. I never realized the stress level I was under until it was gone. I was like a new person and I am now 49.

Consult a divorce lawyer to make sure you are doing everything you can to protect your rights and $ liabilities.

You say he hasn't raged in 2 months. With the holidays approaching, that is prime time for demostic abuse issues to escalate. He has only been verbal so far. The line is very thin and dim for him to just cross it one day soon.
Get out, get out, get out.

 

[tammynj]

I agree with the other posters - it sounds like you need to get out of that marriage. It seems as though your husband has a short fuse and could potentially be dangerous. I also agree that you need to speak w/ a divorce lawyer to protect yourself financially as much as possible.

The saddest thing to me was when you said that he's the meanest person in your life. I am a single mom, not married (and not exactly looking, either), but if I meet that special guy for me, I want him to be the person who is nicest to me out of everyone I know, someone I can trust and feel safe and protected with. I think you deserve that, too. You're an adult with a professional job; it might be tough but you can do it on your own. Best wishes to you.

 

[Elyssa]

Not to be an alarmist, BUT...

They are currently profiling a guy on Nancy Grace who has been married four times. His third wife ended up dead under suspicious circumstances, but was ruled accidental. His fourth wife is missing, leaving two small children behind. He says she ran off with another guy, but her friends say she was frightened of him. His second wife just came forward and said he often threatened her and said he could make her death look like an accident. They just exhumed the third wife's body for further tests.

Within that report, they said that 44% of spousal murders have either property or money as motive, and that these murders most often occur when a relationship is breaking up. So, again, please protect yourself. Your assets will mean nothing to you if you are seriously injured or dead. In those moments when he has talked about wanting to beat you, trust me, he has visualized doing it. Do you really think you are safe?

 

[kidsrme11]

I totally misrepresented it

Never mind.

 

[Elyssa]

So was that a joke or what?

Why bother to post something like that and trigger people's concern if it is not such a big deal? You sound exactly like my friend does right now. It is so hard watching her personality disintegrate in the face of her fears about financial security, like watching a trainwreck. I honestly don't know what to say to her anymore. I'm embarrassed for her.

 

[abc123gal]

I agree too, I couldn't stand to have to keep living with him, I'd go. I'd rather lose the townhouse and my credit than have to live with someone like that. Do you have kids?

 

[chronicfun]

listen to your gut

If you posted the original, you know in your gut you should get OUT. Seeing everyone else's posts probably made you feel nervous and perhaps even defensive of him. (been there, done that)
Listen to that little twinge in your gut!!!
I agree w/ all the pp's. Especially the one who mentioned the holidays coming up. You may feel you need to stick around for the holidays...they can be the WORST time to stick around. Lots of emotions this time of year.
If your mom offered, go live w/ her and continue to pay part of the mortgage until the house sells. I lived w/ my ex for almost a year when we were separated. It was hell. I should've moved in w/ my parents.
Keep a journal...write down all the incidents you remember. When you think about sticking around, revisit that journal and remember how horrible he can be.
Good luck!

 

[chronicfun]

listen to your gut

If you posted the original, you know in your gut you should get OUT. Seeing everyone else's posts probably made you feel nervous and perhaps even defensive of him. (been there, done that)
Listen to that little twinge in your gut!!!
I agree w/ all the pp's. Especially the one who mentioned the holidays coming up. You may feel you need to stick around for the holidays...they can be the WORST time to stick around. Lots of emotions this time of year.
If your mom offered, go live w/ her and continue to pay part of the mortgage until the house sells. I lived w/ my ex for almost a year when we were separated. It was hell. I should've moved in w/ my parents.
Keep a journal...write down all the incidents you remember. When you think about sticking around, revisit that journal and remember how horrible he can be.
Good luck!

 

[lovkteaching]

Having lived with someone with a temper I truly know how difficult it is to make the decision. But...I can tell you truly it was the best decision I ever made. It was difficult for about a year after the divorce. The person isn't always raging and the can be nice in between times. You might second guess yourself on occasion too but it is sooo nice not living in fear about saying something to set them off. I wish you luck and i think this is a great place to post your thoughts!

 

[chronicfun]

oops

I accidentally posted twice above....sorry!