personal question...sex-related

[??????]

I signed out because I know some of my coworkers look on here, and we're not QUITE this close! In January, my boyfriend and I will have been dating for a year. We both know that we're going to get married...we're just a great fit. We've talked about the future and have looked at rings, so I know it's just a matter of time.

Here's the dilemma. We have decided to wait until we're married to have sex. This was more my decision than his, but he's been great about waiting. I'm a virgin, and he has had sex with 2 people (his girlfriends at the time). We have an "anything goes except sex" attitude when it comes to physical intimacy, but it's getting really, really hard to hold back. I don't want to scale way back to where we're just holding hands, but I also don't want to give in. I've waited 20 some odd years, and I'm not giving up now! My boyfriend is having a hard time as well, but is also committed to waiting. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I'd love some advice!

 

[anngirl]

Don't give in. It's worth the wait (speaking as a newlywed). I know how difficult it is...we dated for 5 years. I don't think we could have done it with an "anything goes" attitude, because honestly alot of things lead you into sex. You have to both be committed and decide what both of you can handle. Sometimes you just have to go out and find other ways to have fun where you won't be in that position.

Hang in there!

 

[Proudofyou]

Persevere

That is just awesome! Do whatever you have to do to follow through with your commitment. I was not a virgin when I got married and sooooo wish I could change that. Actually my husband and I both wish we could undo some of our past experiences. People that I know who have waited until marriage absolutely do not regret it. People that I know who have not waited until marriage often absolutely do regret it.
On another note...if your decision is a faith-based decision, just know that God will honor your obedience. Although you may not understand it right now, you just have to know the blessing that it will be.
In terms of "handling" things in the meantime (no pun intended), just try not to spend too much time completely alone in situations that are "heated".
I truly wish you the best!

 

[lil annie]

we waited

My DH and I both were virgins when we got married and we were in our 30's. It did get very hard at times and we had a phrase "I'm getting hot." When one or both of us reached that point, we called it a night and we returned to our separate homes. It worked for us.

 

[Hifiman]

Sex is too important in a marriage

I understand your point of view and it's fine. You say you are a good fit and are definitely getting married. That being said, sex is very important to a marriage. It's not a given that the two of you will be a good fit for each other in this area as well. Why wait to find out? Doing it now will not diminish who you are because you two are obviously serious about each other. And I may be way off base here, but based on your post I bet the two of you are already doing some of the things considered by many to be sex. Well anyone but a Clinton

 

[johnsju]

good for you!

You should be proud of your decision...I know that's hard! I think it's awesome that your boyfriend is in this with you, but I can't help but think how frustrated both of you are going to be if you continue with the "everything but" routine. I think having a special word or phrase that means "it's time to stop" is a good idea. As much as you'd hate it, I do think you should step back just a little to keep both of you from going crazy. Good luck and hang in there!

 

[lil annie]

You know, her virginity is a gift that she can only give to one man. She should be commended for keeping herself for him, not be encouraged to go against her moral principals. Hang in there, OP. It's definitely worth the wait.

 

[chteacher]

anything goes

except intercourse? Hate to tell you that all that stuff is also sex. Cold showers?? I dunno.

 

[Newlywed]

Be proud

You should be very proud of yourself. I waited until I was engaged for my first time and if I could change it, I wouldn't. I was so glad that I waited. We had a long engagment. A little over a year and a half and neither of us truly wanted to wait that long. I am glad I waited to only be with my husband though.

It is a big decision to make and stick with it. However, I do agree that the "everything, except sex" thing makes it a whole lot more difficult on both of you. If you can handle it, that's fine. But I have to admit, I tried that same mentality and I always wound up feeling bad afterwards, like I was torturing my husband, fiance at the time. I waited until I was ready. That's what you need to do. And I'm just curious, how long have you two been talking about marriage? Are you planning to get engaged soon and do you plan to have a long engagement like I did? If so, honestly, things are going to get more difficult. Good luck with everything.

 

[wig]

Good for you! You will not regret it. I disagree that you need to try it out to see if you are a good fit. The "anything goes, but..." is frankly going to make it harder. You need a signal such as another poster mentioned to enable you to stop.

My youngest and his wife dated for five years and waited for their wedding night. My dil said if she had to do it all over again, she would not change any of it.

We waited, too, but of course that was more the norm 30 years ago, but it certainly made out honeymoon special.

 

[singingsara]

About waiting....

My husband and I were not virgins when we got married 6 months ago--in fact, we lived together for a year before our wedding, and we had both had several partners before. We don't regret the way that we did things, although when I was in college, I had some physical relationships with men that I definitely wouldn't if I were to meet them now. But the way we did things worked for us and we have absolutely no regrets.

However, you've made a choice based on your values and morals, and it sounds like you're sticking to it with great conviction--I think anyone would have to respect and commend that! I might agree that the "anything goes except" rule would probably make it harder to draw that line. Maybe you don't need to scale back to just holding hands, but if the wedding is in the imminent future, you could draw it at kissing, or wherever you think it would allow you to be close without making it so hard to resist temptation.

Good luck!

 

[K-T]

waited

I followed a similar policy, but felt sooo guilty (religion) that we ended up getting married after dating for only 3 months. And we were both yooouuunnnggg. But of course we were in love. I can't say I regret getting married, although I don't think it was the right motivation. 8 yrs. later we're still together, happily. I guess if you know you're getting married and you're already so intimate...??? Just make sure that you're not causing too much frustration and that your focus is not only on that part of the relationship. As long as you both agree and feel good about what you're doing and when you do it, you will be fine.

 

[mej]

Interesting

that this same discussion was going on thirty some odd years ago when I got married. A friend of mine considered herself to be far more moral than most of the rest of us, while at the same time engaging in activities that I have always found WAY more intimate than intercourse itself! All in how you look at it, I guess.

 

[MKat]

I waited and was 29 when I married. There is an in between "just holding hands" and "anything goes." You can sensor yourself by thinking of yourself as the parent of an unmarried person and what you would "approve of" for them.

For me, it was well worth the wait. I still love thinking about my honeymoon and how special it was!