please read soon:need advice

[anonymous]

Hi everyone!

I need some advice based on your dating experiences with men. I just met a man recently and we seem to have really hit it off. We met online over a month ago and he "seems" to be a real sweetheart and very sincere- we have a lot in common and are looking for many of the same things in a relationship. Right now we are only talking through e-mail (he has asked to talk on the phone when I'm ready, but I haven't given the "go ahead") because I'm trying to take things slowly and get to know him fairly well before we take it to the next stage. Here's the problem: I know an aquaintance that works with him (he doesn't know this) and she told me to be very careful because he is a "player" & that all the ladies like him. She said he's "hot" and has dated many girls from their company and that she's not sure he would be the right guy for a serious relationship. She said I would have a blast with him if I just dated him for fun because he's so well liked. My question is: Do players ever change? He's divorced, but said he married the wrong woman. I don't want to hold that against him because many of us have picked the wrong partner at some time or another. How do you KNOW (to the best of your ability) when a man is being sincere and not playing the field? I would be classified as your typical "nice" girl and don't want to have my heart broken, but I've really connected with him. We have had numerous conversations (lasting to 2-4 hours even) about fairly deep subject matter and he's really grown on me as a person. We are to the point where we are talking almost daily. I want to give him an opportunity to get to know me better and find out if I can trust him, but I'm a little nervous now. I guess I'm having a hard time figuring out if he's "such a player" why he is investing so much time and interest in me when I'm taking things sooooooo SLOWLY with him! Seems to me a true player would have lost interest in the pursuit by now.

Please let me know your thoughts. I want to be cautious, but we really do like each other as friends at this point. It's so neat because the "attraction part" hasn't even entered the picture yet. We're just truly getting to know one another, but we've both expressed interest in eventually taking it to a real-life dating relationship (provided we have chemistry face to face).

 

[fun_friend]

Of course if you decide to meet him, you should be sure to meet in a safe place like a crowded restaurant. I would meet him before I passed judgment on him because your friend may not have an accurate impression of him--maybe she wants a whack at him!

 

[BlueEyes]

You're doing everything right by taking it slow. Just because he has dated a lot of girls doesn't mean he's a bad guy. All you can do is continue to get to know him and see what happens. Maybe it'll work out, maybe it won't.....but it definitely won't work out if you don't give it a chance.

 

[GB]

I think

try to get out there and meet some other people. Your focus is strongly on this guy, but you haven't even talked on the phone. If you think you could stand not getting "swept off your feet" go ahead and have a couple of dates, but be reserved because he may seem like a lot of fun, but may never be able to really commit.

 

[Tounces]

online

Dating online isn't a way to meet people. I think its dangerous. If you want to be 'cautious', this is not the way.

 

[Brooke S.]

online dating

I have done lots of online dating in the past. I think it's time to move on from the emails and start talking on the phone. I know from experience that it is a hard and scary step. (Questions I've had in my head...what if he doesn't like me? what if we don't have anything to talk about? what if I don't like his voice?, etc.) Make the move to the next level before it is too late. I agree with the other posters about making judgement too fast. He might not be a player at all, or he could be. Atleast you have the heads up and you can keep your eyes open. Good luck...keep us posted.

 

[aussiejane]

Tounces, I agree

I would be extremely careful when involved with online dating. Too much scope for dishonesty. You should read my husband's profile!!! very creative, to say the least....

 

[tchr]

run..run like the wind

Players do not change!!!!!

 

[OCEANKA]

Use your instincts...

I am glad you are being cautious. As far as your question, do players ever change, I just had a recent experience I think may help. A player friend of mine just admitted that his ideal Friday night is putting the kids to bed and jumping in bed with pizza, a movie and a wife. He continues this "player front" because that is what people expect of him. He does the bar scene to "pass the time" until he finds "the one". Of course this may or may not be your situation-just something to think about. (For all you cynics, he is someone I can trust and his confession was not a line)

Also, my brother in law is getting married to the woman he met on match.com in three weeks and she is great!

 

[Alicia]

I would be cautious but maybe agree to meet him somewhere (in public).

I would also try to meet some other guys too. You seem to be putting a lot of energy and time into someone that you haven't met in person. Many people can be a total different person online than in person. A lot of people cautioned you to be careful with internet dating/meeting online, but not everyone who does that is bad. Just be careful.

Has he said much about his ex-wife and why they broke up? Marrying the "wrong woman" can happen, but there's probably more to it than that.

It sounds like you are really starting to like him. I would meet up with him soon and decide from there. If you continue to have these long talks about many different things, you will only continue to develop feelings for him.

When you meet up with him and spend time with him, you'll probably "know".

A true player may not have lost interest yet. If he's a true player and not being sincere, he may still think of you as a "quest".

 

[kristis]

I have been dating the same guy for 10 months. We were introduced at a work function by a mutual friend. She told me the next day to be careful, he was a womanizer etc. She told me so many horrible things about him, but for some reason, i gave him a chance. I found out that she didn't know him at all. We have had many discussions about the things that were said, and found out she is really not much of a friend to either of us. She was engaged, but told me multiple times she would leave her fiance for my now boyfriend. She had issues, not him He is the most dedicated, wonderful man that i have ever met. I was very cautious about it, because of what I had heard, so always be careful, but people do change!!

 

[hescollin]

you can do better

He isn't going to change. You are asking for trouble...... Heart ache big time. Your friend is being very kind to you and sticking her neck out to help you. Move on. This has to many big pit holes and is dangerous. That's my two cents.

 

[fun_friend]

Tounces...

Usually I am not completely in disagreement with your statements, but I must say that online datine IS a way to meet people. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but it is definitely an avenue that has been successful to more than a few people. True there are folks misrepresenting themselves online, but you can meet liars and cheats and players in church too. I maintain that the original poster should arrange a face-to-face meeting with the fellow.

It is not unheard of for a "good" friend to disparage a man and to be wrong about what she says. There is plenty of motivation for a woman to mislead another about a man.

It is possible that the friend is on the money, and the guy is a complete cad. I don't think you can know for sure without actually meeting face-to-face and taking it from there.

 

[C.]

my two cents

I agree with the posters that say give him a chance. Two examples for you: a friend of mine told me this guy I thought was super cute was a womanizer, slept with them, then left them. Well, I started to get to know him anyway, we became decent friends, and he confessed to me he was a virgin and he was saving himself for marriage!! So I don't put much weight into rumors. Example number two, when in college, I met this very cute guy at Bible study that everybody encouraged me to date. He turned out to be a very controlling abusive man that I had a hard time getting away from. So, you can't tell until you meet and get to know him. Give him a chance, but do be safe and meet somewhere public the first couple of times. Good luck!

 

[orig.poster]

appreciate your time

I really appreciate everyone that has taken the time to give me some input regardless of which position you take. Your opinions have really made me think today and I really do appreciate any feedback given to me. As other posters have implied, I AM very intriqued by this man and still not 100% sure what I am going to do at this point. Today, one of my close friends suggested to me that I meet him in public place and just see what happens. She told me to listen to that "little voice" inside my head to see if something doesn't seem right.... she thinks I'll be able to sense if he's a real player. Plus, she said since I'm not the type to go back to his place, he would probably lose interest in me rather quickly if that's all he's after right now.

If you have any other stories to share....please do.... I'm very NEW to online dating and I thought I'd give it a shot since it's hard to meet people when you're a single mother.

 

[Tounces]

sticking with

my opinion. Online dating is dangerous. Lots of nuts out there. Did you see Dateline NBC tonight? How can you trust who you are chatting with? I wouldn't ever agree that this is a good way to meet someone. I agree with hescollin.

 

[kirsten]

To answer your question

You asked "if he's "such a player" why he is investing so much time and interest in me when I'm taking things sooooooo SLOWLY with him! Seems to me a true player would have lost interest in the pursuit by now." Sweetie, that is the very game that he is enjoys playing. Cat and mouse. Ever watch that game between a real cat and mouse? When does the cat lose interest? Not until he catches the mouse and the mouse gives in to the cat's demands. Then the fun is over. I'm not saying this guy is a true player. That was your friend's opinion because he dates a lot of women. I'm just answering the question you asked. If you believe your friend is a good judge of character and you value her opinion, I would be very wary.

 

[1st poster]

game

I just wanted to add if you look at my original post, the woman that said this about him is not a good friend of mine personally, but an aquaintance (rather a friend of a friend) And.... I'm not even so sure how well my friend knows this person to be honest. She's a married woman that my friend said, "is usually not all that gossipy."

I don't want to be naive about all of this. Kirsten, I am truly hearing you...He may very well be a player who finds me to be a great challenge right now and that's part of the allure for him. I definitely need to keep my guard up. My problem is that I am struggling with what I'm feeling during our conversations. The "connection" seems so very natural and I get the sense there MAY be "something" drawing us together. Honestly, I've never felt this strong of a connection with anyone else so quickly (I haven't told him this, of course), but that's how I really feel about it. I don't know, maybe that's all part of his game, too.

And, yes I have talked to other men who seem highly interested in me, but for some reason the interest isn't there on my part. Like I said, I will be cautious. I think I'm a smart woman and hopefully I'll be able to detect any slimy behavior on his part. Please keep me in your prayers and hopefully God will open my eyes to the truth if there's something I need to see.

Again, thanks to everyone who is giving me advice on this matter.

 

[Bob]

A Man's Point of View

A lot of posters have mentioned safety. I'm unfamiliar with online dating, but would it be helpful to bring friends along on the first date, perhaps another couple you trust? Or perhaps attend a church function and go out to eat with the gentleman's pastor and his wife.

 

[go for it]

Think you should

No reason to wait, you have a good rapport, I think it is time to meet
and see if you hit it off or not. You might be surprised, either way.

Of course, be safe, and even bring a trusted friend along...
I would start talking on the phone immediately, and then set
up a short, maybe lunch meeting.

Many people have met online these days, it is pretty common.
Good luck, but don't hang all your dreams on it yet...
I have a friend who is happily married for 14 yrs, and they got married only 2 months after they met. you just never know.

 

[teacher33]

Players are willing to take all the time

they need to make their conquest. A player has a lot of irons in the fire, so they're willing to take the time. I'm not saying this guy is a player. I only know that some men (women, too, but I don't date women ha) are very smooth and good liars.

 

[TeacherK]

Date Others

I think you ought to take a few days or a week off from communicating with him. Find some others to date/talk to. I think online dating can be a good way to meet people but you definitely have to be cautious and careful when meeting and also what you disclose during online conversations.