stepmother

[Rachel L]

I had posted before about how my stepmother and I had become closer. I think I spoke too soon. She and I had been closer, but she said some things to me this past weekend that I think are offensive.

A little background- I grew up with my mom. My dad remarried my stepmom when I was 12 and my stepsister was 14. I visited my dad every other weekend so I never really felt like part of the family cause I didn't live there. And back then my stepmom and my dad favored my stepsister over me. They always made excuses for her, and I was to blame for everything. When I was growing up according to my dad and stepmom, my stepsister could do no wrong. My stepsister has depression which is why they make excuses for her. My dad finally stopped favoring my stepsister and he and I have become a lot closer. My dad finally sees that my stepsister has a lot of problems, and does not excuse them like he used to. However my stepmother still makes excuses for her daughter and babies her. My stepsister is 26 and doesn't need to be babied.

So this past weekend my stepmom started talking all about the past because of something she found out from my aunt(dad's sister). My uncle(dad's brother) has no children of his own so he has always given all his biological nieces and nephews a large amount of money($1,000) for HS graduation. My stepsister has barely said two words to my uncle over the 10+ years she has known him. So when she graduted HS my uncle didn't give stepsis the Grad money that he gave me and all my cousins. My stepmom did not know about the money at the time and when I graduated HS several years ago I never mentioned it to her. My aunt slipped and mentioned it cause my youngest cousin recently graduated from HS, and the Grad money is how she's paying for her first semester of college.

My stepmother is furious at my uncle for giving me and all my cousins this money but not my stepsister. I tried explaining to my stepmother that it is natural that my uncle is not close to my stepsister because she is not his biological niece and she doesn't talk to him. My stepmom says that my stepsis has depression and its hard for her to talk to people and that my uncle should have reached out to her and tried to develop a relationship. My dad isn't even really close to her, so its ridiculous to think that somehow my uncle is going to become close to my stepsister.

I tell her that well its the same with her family. I'm not as close to her family, just like my stepsis isn't as close to my family and thats how it usually is in stepfamilies. My stepmom says thats different and that my stepsis is just as much a part of my family as I am. I found that offensive. I have known my dad's family since birth and my stepsis didn't. I know she spent her teen years living in my dad's home, but still I think thats a double-standard if my stepmom thinks my stepsis should be included in my dad's family but I shouldn't be in hers.

My stepmother said that its understandable that I wasn't included in her family because she and I had problems in the past. Then she said "Even if we had invited you, you wouldn't have come". Well it would have been nice to have at least had that option instead of feeling excluded and not part of the family. And I find that another double-standard. My stepmother says that I wouldn't have come to see her family. Well my family includes my stepsister in everything, but she rarely comes to visit my dad's family either. But she's never been made to feel excluded. She's always been welcome in our family, but I haven't in my stepmother's.

I really thought my stepmother and I were getting closer. I should have known better than to try to get close to her and trust her. I can be civil and polite to her, but I think it is hard to completely trust her knowing how she really feels about me.

 

[katy]

I'm sorry you have to deal with such a petty person. She sounds extremely self-centered and seems to use her daughter's depression as an excuse for her (daughter's) lack of maturity. If the graduation gift issue comes up again, I would just tell her that it's your uncle's money, and he can do whatever he wants with it.

If I were you, I'd spend as little time as possible with this person. She doesn't sound like the type of person one would want to be close to.

 

[Rachel L]

She is a very petty person. I guess what makes me so mad is that I began to trust her, and she was being so nice to me for awhile and I thought she was trying to get closer to me. And even though she's not my mom, I thought my stepmother was beginning to think of me of like a daughter. I mean she changed a lot and was being more maternal towards me that I thought she had gotten past whatever issues she had with me. Obviouslly not. Maybe it was all an act, I don't know. I thought she was actually beginning to like me. When all along she never did consider me part of her family, but then gets mad when my dad's family doesn't consider my stepsister part of our family.

What does help is that my dad's entire family have never liked my stepmother. They see how she favors her daughter and excludes me. And then my stepmother wonders why my dad's family does not like her. One of my aunts always asks my stepmother why she has this shrine of pictures of her daughter, but maybe only 3 pictures of me. I think my stepmother is only capable of loving one child- and thats her daughter. She just doesn't seem to have room to love both her daughter and me at the same time. My dad may not like the way my stepsister acts, but he is at least able to love both of us, just in different ways.

My stepmother also seems like an insecure person. If she does the slightest nice thing for me she goes around telling my dad's entire family what a "good stepmother" she is. When she takes my grandmother to the doctor she has to tell the entire family what a "good daughter-in-law" she is. It drives me crazy. If she were a secure person she wouldn't be telling everyone what a wonderful person she is. My mother has done tons of wonderful things for me. After all, thats what mothers do. My mother knows she's a good mother. She is secure in that and doesn't have the need to convince people that she's a good mother, the way my stepmother feels the need to convince people that she's a "good stepmother" and "good daughter-in-law". My grandmother hates when my stepmother takes her to the doctor cause she knows the next day my stepmother will be telling everyone what a "good daughter-in-law" she is.