stepsister getting married

[mandi]

My stepsister is getting married and I am so surprised at some of my jealous feelings. I've been married for 5 years now, so its not jealousy about her being with someone and me being single since I'm married. I just get so upset when my dad goes around saying "MY daughter is getting married". What is so wrong with him referring to her as his stepdaughter? Stepdaughter should not be a negative word. Thats what she is. I prefer my stepmother call me her stepdaughter and if she did call me her daughter it would feel strange. My stepsister became Dad's stepdaughter when she was 14. Its not like she was a child that he raised from when she was little. Dad feels bad that my stepsister's dad isn't in her life so he tries to make it up to her. Its nice that he's in a father role to her, but still he's not her dad. My dad is walking her down the aisle and giving her away. My dad gave me away too when I got married. I am really trying to put aside my feelings and be supportive of my stepsister. My stepsister did make me a bridesmaid in her wedding. I am so surprised at my reaction to this. I thought I had really gotten over the fact that my dad thinks of my stepsister as a daughter. But it hurts. Its like me being his biological daughter means nothing to him.

 

[javamomma]

hmmmm

Well my husband is "step dad" to my 2 children. He refers to them when introducing them to someone as "this is my son, this is my daughter." They have a dad in their life as well...
When my son made Eagle Scout both his dad and my husband were a part of the ceremony, they both got "dad" pins. He said it was both of them that helped him achieve that goal.

I think you should be proud of your dad that he took on your "step sister' and helped raise her and calls her his own. There are many hateful stories out there, be glad she is not one of them.

 

[mandi]

stepsister

I am glad my dad is good to my stepsister, but it really stings that he thinks of her as a daughter as much as me. I realize he thinks of her as a daughter, but my dad spent 10 years raising me from birth without her in the picture. I would think that would count for something. Its so hurtful to me that she comes into his life as a teenager, and then she becomes just as much as a daughter to him as I am. I know this is jealousy and not good, but this is just extremely hurtful to me.

 

[justme]

You know, with all the hatred and suffering in the world why begrudge your stepsister and dad their relationship? It doesn't make you any less of his daughter does it? He still loves you. The good thing about love is there is always more to go around. There is so much more out there to be upset over than this. I think it's wonderful when stepparents and children acccept one another as real family. It means something is right. You are a grown woman- it's time to learn to share.

 

[SC]

I agree with Justme that your dad's love for your stepdaughter doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It would be one thing if he treated her better than you, but it sounds pretty equal to me. Your feelings are understandable, but working yourself up over it is a waste of time and energy. If you feel comfortable, talk to your dad about it.

 

[MC.]

Let Go

Try to let go of your hurt. Just because your dad is referring to her as his daughter, does not negate the fact that you are his daughter from birth and he raised YOU. By saying she is his daughter he is not saying she is as important than you or that you have the same relationship. I'm sure you have a special relationship because he did raise you and you are his biological daughter. There is enough love to go around!

 

[justme]

I just want to add that this seems so petty! There are hundreds (thousands) of people who would change places with you in a second if this is your biggest problem with your stepsister and dad. Count your blessings! Do you know how lucky you are to have a dad that not only loves you , but makes a point to love his step children as well? Like I said before there are hundreds and thousands of people that would give anything to have a dad like that!

 

[MC.]

Petty?

It's not nice to call her problem petty. What might be big to one person, is small to another. She didn't say this was the end of the world, just that her feelings were hurt. Sometimes it's hard to control your feelings. Until you've walked a mile in her shoes, maybe you shouldn't judge.

 

[fun_friend]

I don't mind it when my steps refer to me as their actual daughter. I don't mind when my dad refers to the two girls he helped raise as his daughters. He still likes me too, and I am no less his daughter if he refers to the others as daughters. He just says that he and his wife have four daughters. Sometimes people think my stepmother is my actual mother and ask me about my "mother" meaning her. These people don't know my actual mother since she lives in another town. I don't always correct them, because they don't mean any harm. My stepmother has sometimes introduced me as "our daughter." I think it is nice. I always call her my stepmother when I introduce her though! I have to be true to my own mom! My stepmom doesn't seem to take offense.

Maybe your dad just calls her "daughter" because he loves her like a daughter--probably the girl has been in his house a long time. He might think "stepdaughter" implies a distant versus close family connection or that calling her "stepdaughter" makes her sound like Cinderella and that he doesn't love her just like a real daughter. Maybe people don't know the girl's real dad and calling her daughter just keeps people from speculating about her parentage.

I don't think you are petty for feeling a little hurt, but maybe you could think of other sides to the story. Are you a believer in God and the devil? I often think it isn't God who is whispering in our heads and causing us to feel negative feelings like irrational jealousy--it's you-know-who!

I'm sure you dad does not mean to hurt you, and your family connection really does mean a lot to him. But he's already had the pleasure of being the father of the bride for you. He might feel lucky and honored that stepdaughter thinks so much of him that she is having him assume the full role of father in her life and wedding. Think how great she'd feel if she had a biological father she cared enough about (or cared enough about her) to have do the honors at her wedding. It sounds like having a bio-dad who is in the picture isn't in your step-sis's cards. You are so blessed to have such a great dad with room in his heart to be dad to someone who needs one. Maybe you can turn your feelings into feelings of pride. You should feel proud that you have such a unified family.

If it really bothers you, you could try talking to him about it.

 

[mandi]

steps

I guess i just find it odd that he calls her "my daughter" when my dad came into her life as a teen. Its not like he raised her from a toddler. But its great they formed a wonderful bond. I am very glad he's been good to her. I just think its kind of strange when a stepparent/stepchild are close when the family formed later in life.

I do correct people if they say "my mother" meaning my stepmother. But thats a different situation. My dad & stepmother and my mother all live in the same town(same as I do) within 10 minutes of each other and know many of the same people. It would be very misleading and I would feel disloyal to my own mom to refer to my stepmom as my mom.

But I guess with kids its different. People do seem to say "our children" when referring to bio and stepkids. But with parents, most kids will always say they have 1 mom and 1 dad and refer to a stepparent as just that, a STEPparent. Maybe the problem lies with the word step. Its taken so negatively. But I see nothing wrong with the word step, but our society sure seems to think of it as a negative. Step is how you are related to that person, but with all those fairytales its become a bad word. I like the word bonus. Dad could say my bonusdaughter. That sounds a lot more positive.

And you are right about my stepsis's biodad. He is not a real dad to her. He was physically violent towards my stepmother, an alcoholic, used drugs, ect. He & my stepmother divorced and he only saw my stepsister after that a few times. I don't think she considers him a dad. My dad however thinks that cause he married my stepmother that it is his duty & responsibility to make up for her awful father. Its great he's wonderful to her, but its not his responsibility to make up for something he had no control over. Not even my stepmother can make up for her daughter having such a bad father. My dad can be a great father figure to her, but he can't make up for my stepsister not having a dad. I do feel bad for my stepsister. I can't imagine knowing my father didn't want me. I may feel a little jealous at times, but I think eventually it'll go away.

 

[justme]

sorry if you think I was wrong and judgemental , but I still think it's petty.