Too fat for him

[Anon.]

My husband and I have had a lot of problems lately. We do not have sex much at all (about once per month). Even then, I initiate it. Last night, he finally let me know what the problem is. My weight bothers him. That makes me so sad! I realize that I am about thirty pounds overweight, but what ever happened to unconditional love? I would still consider myself attractive. BTW, he doesn't look he always has looked, but it doesn't bother me. He let me know that he is still attracted to me, but I really am having trouble believing that. I know that I could lose weight, but it makes me almost not want to now. If he can't want to be with me now, what makes him think that I would want him if I am skinny? I just don't know what to do. I am just so upset. I don't even want to look at him. He apologized this morning, but I am so tired of caring!

 

[Illini Teacher]

Frustrating! (kinda long)

Isn't it frustrating when we actually get an answer, but it's such a BAD answer? I have steadily gained weight since I've been married, had a baby and am having an AWFUL time losing weight. Here's the interesting part of everything. My husband is frustrated by my weight, BUT we've had many heart to hearts and finally got to the real issue. When I am upset about my weight it shows everywhere. I look frumpy, my house is a mess, I don't plan meals and really just don't seem to care. When my husband puts some effort into helping me see what a good person I am, things do change.

We have had issues with intimacy in the past as well, but it's getting better. The reason I'm telling you this is because I felt the EXACT same way you do. My husband said he would love me, no matter what. Well, it's hard to believe that when he doesn't show it.

Since you husband apologized I think you should try and find a time where you two can talk (without being angry) and help see each others point of view. This is the only thing that has worked for us and I'm trying to lose weight for myself now. Marriage isn't effortless and I think that we have to evolve with our spouses. For some people it's evolving together, for others it's evoling apart. Only getting to the real root of the issue can solve it!

I hope this helps, but take heart in knowing you are a wonderful person whether you have 30 extra pounds or not. The weight doesn't make the person, your heart and character does!

 

[Ima Teacher]

My husband actually says he prefers a woman with a little meat on her bones . . . good thing, too, since I fit the bill. I guess I was just slightly above average weight-wise when we were first married. Then I gained 70 pounds when I was sick, and then I lost 36 of it. My husband's not said anything about it . . . except that I'd do anything to get to buy new clothes.

 

[anon for this]

My baby brother

LOVES heavy women. He's very attracted to them. His first wife was about 30 pounds overweight, but his second wife is 350 pounds! I think he's a chest man :-)

I'm going to tell you something really honest, right from the mouths of guys. I spent years singing in a rock band, which meant I was in very close proximity all the time (night and day) with lots of men, and I will be completely honest with you--most guys are very turned off by fat. And they are very vocal about not liking it. I can't tell you how many times I remarked that a woman was pretty, only to be told, "She's fat." And they COMPLETELY dismiss her. And I have had men tell me that heavy women are not as much fun to have sex with. This is graphic, but they always said that heavy thighs tend to push the man out, not let him in.

Do I think heavy women have value? Absolutely. It's funny that fat men turn up their noses at fat women. How hypocritical. But this is very honest, and I can't change what guys think. There will always be guys like my brother, but they're actually few and far between. Whether it's fair or not, our society does not look favorably upon heavy women. So while I'm disappointed in your husband, I can't say I'm surprised. I wish we could make men not be so shallow, but I don't know how. It's not right, or fair, but it's reality--most men are not attracted to heavy women.

 

[REB]

Anon....just a thought....

Sometimes men say the stupidest things....ugh....makes me wanna slap 'em.

P.S. do you think there could be another woman?

REB

 

[Carolyn]

another woman

Hmmmmm. Could he be directing the problem towards you so that HE doesn't feel guilty about a woman elsewhere? I don't mean to upset you, but I am thinking like REB. I can't imagine any man living on sex so infrequently. Eventually, no matter how a woman looks, he'd be desperate to get her into bed. The ole testosterone takes over, wouldn't you say?

 

[wait]

Don't think that is fair--but he apologized

I have had friends whose husbands don't seem to be interested in
it very often either... I know that would drive me crazy.
BUT some guys are stressed out and tired and it doesn't mean they are
cheating. (Sometimes it does). What I am saying is some guys are too lazy to make love...
If he is out of shape too, that could be a factor.
Since he apologized, I would try to let it go, but work on maybe a weekly date night and fun. Sometimes you need to schedule it. Once a week or twice a month is not too much to ask--besides it is great exercise! And you also need to exercise for your health. Life is hard, have fun with your hubby.

 

[bamateach]

men

I think Illini Teacher had some excellent points. I have some friends who are over weight and appear to have some similar marital issues and when my husband and I have discussed it he has mentioned that weight may play a role in part of their problem. Couple that thinking with what Illini teacher said about getting down and "frumpy" and you have the ingredients for problems. I am so sorry that he said that. I imagine it made you feel terrible. Try to look at it from a different point of view though. He was honest and he apologized. Maybe he wanted to talk about the problem, but didn't know how to put something like that delicately realized his mistake and shut down on the issue. Perhaps. I don't know your husband so I may be giving him too much credit. Anyhow, turn this around and let it motivate you. Since you say he doesn't look like he used to perhaps you can talk and make this a joint venture. Join a gym together or start walking together. I prefer the first. And trust me I think there has to be a connection between working out and wanting sex. Anytime I go to the gym and workout then see my husband working out - it's gonna be a good night! BTW It may also have something to do with his sex drive. You know as men age theirs decreases while ours increases. If his is decreasing he may not want to admit that as being part of the problem so he put it off on you. Anyhow, just try to turn a negative to a positive and let it motivate you to want to look your best for your man and visa versa.

 

[I know]

Size 0-4 models...

Sounds like he is buying into the victorias secret ads...
or worse the skin mags.

if you dont look like Barbie, then you ain't cute.
I guess lipo and boob jobs and starving yourself its the only answer...
lol

Sorry to make light of a heavy situation, I feel your pain, Sista!

 

[aussiejane]

hmmm.....

I can't help thinking there's more to this than extra weight. Being beautiful, even the "ideal woman" is no guarantee of a man's fidelity. Men cheat on super models and movie stars. Keep your eyes open, and, if you feel self-conscious about your appearance, maybe think of making some changes. Good luck.

 

[Rubyslippers]

Tmi

Well, I'm a "plump" as they come and me and my DH go at it like rabbits whenever we want. !

There have been times in our marriage when we did very little sexually, but it was due to stress, time constraints,new baby, pregnancy, etc.


And fat thighs do not prevent sex...you can find some way to make it fit. WE DO!

 

[fun_friend]

I think your husband is pretty insensitive. I think sex can still be good even if you have gained weight. I'm heavy and I can still get jiggy. Thirty pounds doesn't sound like a lot to me, and I'm sure you are still attractive.

It's fine for men to have feelings like anon for this said when they are looking for a mate, but once they GET a mate, they should realize there is more to the mate than a sexy bed partner. Dr. Phil had a show on this subject this week. I saw Dr. Phil taking a few men to task for being so superficial.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging you have a problem and taking steps to fix it. Some men are pretty hung up on the outward appearance. If after you reflect on his comments and believe your marriage would be better if you were thinner, then together you can get in shape. I am with other posters though who say his comments are probably a cover for another issue like infidelity.

 

[tsomers]

Men are a funny lot!

Anon,
WOW, just reading all the responses was heart wrenching, so I am sure non of them helped you feel any better.
I am a BIG MAMA, I had three brothers growing up, and then had four boys to raise with my husband. No girls. My eldest boy is 32 and my youngest is 22. I feel like I have lived in the "man's" world most of my life, I have heard so much talk coming from their mouths, and I feel I have a very good understanding about what makes them tick.
This is one thing I can say with certainty. Your husband may not be feeling good about himself, so he is making it your problem. I am sure he loves you, and that he really is sorry for saying what he did. Guys, especially, tend to take their personal doubts out on the one they love most. You stated that your husband doesn't look the way he used to, and I am sure he knows that very well, and it could be the underlying problem that has been bothering him for sometime. It is really hard for the male gender to admit that they are slipping, so it is easier to change the focus to the woman. I know it doesn't sound fair, but that is life and love dear.
I don't know how young you are or how long you have been married. Like I have told my own boys, marriages go through many ups and downs. If you want to stay married, you must weather everything to get to that wonderful time when you look at each other and know that everything was worth the effort, and be able to laugh off the small stuff.
Sex...well in real married life...it starts out hot and on time all the time, then it backs off, finds a ryhthm, then the tide changes and it backs way off, only to change again, and again, and again....
Don't let sex be the big indicator as of whether or not your marriage is safe, let communication and honesty be the clear indicator.
Anon, do you love your husband???? Is he worth going through the pain of it all??? Do you want to stick around another 50 years with him??? You must love and care for yourself first before anyone else can, and that goes both ways in a marriage.
Be good to yourself, be honest with yourself, and everything will work out just the way it should. Be patient, be willing to GROW through hard times because marriage is a lot of compromise, appreciation, and a wonderful freefall at times.
I hope everything works out for you soon.

 

[Miller]

join a gym

sounds like you still love him and want this to work. Maybe you two could join a gym and work out together. There are great classes for weight loss and toning. You'd be surprised what 30 min. of walking a day can do.

Classes to look for for both of you: Body Pump, Boot Camp, Kickboxing, Spinning

Classes for you (things that he may think are too girly): Pilates, Yoga, Step

Good Luck

 

[James]

As a Guy...

I say this. I suspect you nagged and nagged and eventually pulled the answer out of him. My girlfriend does this often, and there's always usually a reason why I don't mention specific things to her. (Our divide is usually politics, not appearances though, heheh )

In any case - us men are simple creatures. You asked and it was answered, and what a simple answer it is! It's something you can easily change, and will make you feel better in a number of ways. Thank goodness it's so simple and not "your personality bothers me" which is something not so easily modified.

Here's my suggestion - us men like to fix things, and help you fix things. I like the suggestion of going to the gym together. Make this something you two do together, and something he has to help you accomplish. My girlfriend has been on a diet a few times (for no good reason, really) but I have only been too happy to ONLY buy healthy foods, make sure I only take her out to healthy places, and cook healthy things for her. Ask for his help in these ways.

Regarding unconditional love - I'm sure he still loves you, but physicial attraction is another thing.

Good luck!

 

[richlo]

Its funny how you mention WHAT MAKES HIM THINK THAT I WOULD WANT HIM IF I AM SKINNY!!! Thats so positive also..typical girl...Its funny when you all fatten up that you expect tender loving the same, that we no longer need to view you for any beauty but see you for what you have inside..Sorry but thats not how it works - how many overweight people are attracted to overweight people..Simple answer = NONE. Now Im not suggesting you need to be skinny but certainly 30lbs or for some even more changes a great deal of how your partner is attracted to you. Loosing weight - even some of it can go a long way..unless you rather stay at that weight or more and just have your man gawk at other woman. Now you dont have to loose the weight for him, you actually should do it for yourself, just by mentioning your what your overweight approximation (and by god it may be even more), its seems like its effected you also. Some guys can love their wives how ever, but love and attraction are two way different things...you love your husband but clearly you say "he doesnt look the way he has looked"..sounds like you also dont find him attractive...Men are diff than woman - you know this - we all do - We need more than love but we need to be able to look at our partner in an attractive way...to each their own...I hope you can work it out and work it off..if 30lbs is what it is, try to see if you loose half of that and see how the relationship goes..btw, its not true that its his PERSONAL DOUBTS, that is the lamest suggestion Ive heard...Its simple - youve gain alot of weight and he doesnt find you attractive - its has nothing to do with PERSONAL DOUBTS as others indicate...KEEP IT REAL...

 

[1gr81ntheus]

Dr. Laura Schlessinger

She wrote The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and it is great! I was overweight and I listened to her audiobook and it was all the encouragement I needed to get MYSELF on track. You'll love it! I think it's what you need! I give it for wedding presents!

 

[Pilgrim]

Heavy women out of touch!

Women are so out of touch when it comes to weight and intimacy issues with men. This country has been so "Oprah-nized" that it has become a sin to even address the weight issue in any fashion.Consider this: your husband is not allowed to be sexually intimate with any other woman on the planet. None (if of course he is faithful). When it comes to this most sacred issue in marriage, you are all he has. But if your weight is putting up barriers, whose to blame? Did he marry you when you were 30-50 lbs overweight? No! So why should he have to accept it now? Every excuse for being heavy is just that, an excuse. Women expect their husbands to accept their weight. Why? Other than the woman being lazy and not wanting to make a real effort in losing the weight, please give me a good reason why a husband is suppose to all of a sudden reach inside his soul and change how he feels about what he finds attractive in a woman? And remember, there is no such thing as unconditional love. (Even God has conditions otherwise Hell wouldn't exist!) Everyone has conditions and limitations on how much they will take in their life. If a husband started coming home drunk every night how long will your "unconditional" love last? The same character flaws that you would hate in an alcoholic are the same character flaws in a heavy person. Undiscipline, laziness, escapism, masking whatever pain with food and indifference (rather than liquor), selfishness, self-pity and so on. I am so tired of fat women yammering about how their husband's don't find them attractive anymore. He's human you dolt! You want him to find you attractive then make yourself attractive! Woman cry on each others shoulders about this issue, but if they expend the same amount of energy on weight lose it would transform their situation. Self-esteem would improve, your wardrobe would be more to your liking and you would restore the spark to your marriage. Make a choice, not an excuse!

 

[mille1212]

Men

Wow! You guys are harsh. Give the lady a break. She's going through a difficult time. :>)