wills

[KellyS]

My husband and I are in our 50's and are planning to make out our wills. Its causing a lot of arguments between us.

My husband and I married when we were near 40. It was a second marriage for both of us. At the time we married we both had one daughter from our previous marriages. He had a daughter who was 12, and my daughter was 14. His daughter lived with her mother and visited us every other weekend and my daughter lived with us. My daughter seldom saw her father cause he's been in and out of her life and has never taken interest in her. My daughter is now 27 and my stepdaughter is 25. Shortly after my husband and I married we had a daughter together who's now a teenager.

In deciding what to leave our children has caused a lot of favortism issues. My husband wants to leave an equal amount to both his 25 year old daughter and our daughter. Not a problem, they are both is biological daughters. However then he says that he'll leave something to my daughter. I do not think that is fair to not give an equal amount to my daughter. She doesn't have a dad. My husband's response is that my daughter came into his life as a teenager so he doesn't have the same bond with her. That really hurts. Its very hurtful to see how my husband has this natural bond with his daughter and our daughter, but has never really bonded with my daughter. I know he cares for her, but just not in the same way. Then he says to me that I am doing the same to his daughter by not leaving her any of my assets. I don't think I'm obligated to give my stepdaughter anything since I didn't help raise her. But my husband did help raise my daughter, even if it was only during her teen years. There is such a difference between my daughter and his daughter.

My stepdaughter has always had both her biological parents in her life and will inherit from both. Why should she inherit from me too? My daughter on the other hand has only one biological parent(me). Is it asking my husband too much to give equally to my daughter since she doesn't have two parents? My husband says that I am not being fair and showing favortism to my daughter.

We can't agree in how to make out our wills and what to leave to the girls. My fear is that if this isn't worked out and if we should die without wills that the girls will end up fighting over our assets. We do agree that our daughter inherits from both of us, and that our daughter and my stepdaughter inherit equally from my husband. But when it comes to what my daughter and stepdaughter inherit from both of us thats when we can not agree on anything.

 

[dee]

It really shouldn't be about money...

but it always is. How you do this will affect the relationship the girls have with each other after you're both long gone.

Divide all moeny three ways EQUALLY


If you give 1/2 to your bio and 1/2 to the daughter you had together, and then your hubby gives 1/2 to his bio then 1/2 to his daughter, the "mutual" daughhter gets twice as much as either.

You both married a "package" deal. If you want all 3 girls to have a decent relationship, divide the $$ equally. If there is any family-type heirlooms, that's a whole different issue.

Do not work this out with a lawyer! A therapist is much cheaper and usually covered by insurance. I suggest the two of you go to work this out, and then to work out the hurt this has caused. Your daughters will appreciate you all the more.

 

[Dawn]

I agree with Dee

My first thought as I read your post was to divide the money 3 ways equally between the girls. Do it soon, before the friction over this leads beyond hurt feelings to resentment.

 

[KellyS]

I guess my feeling about the will is that my stepdaughter has a mom and her dad to inherit from whereas my daughter only has me and my husband(maybe if my husband agrees) to inherit from. So way I am looking at it we could divide things equally but it still would end up unequal. Stepdaughter would inherit from her mom, her dad(my husband) and me. My daughter would inherit from me and my husband(her stepdad). Our daughter together would inherit from both of us. So it would end up that my stepdaughter would end up getting more than my daughter or our daughter. But then again its not my stepdaughter's fault that my daughter's father is not in her life. My husband just doesn't seem to want to include my daughter in his will cause he doesn't have as strong as a bond to her as his other daughters. He keeps on saying that he came into her life as a teenager so he doesn't feel the same way about her. But maybe if I were to agree to leave my stepdaughter part of my assets, he would agree to leave my daughter his.

 

[kirsten]

The only fair way to do it

Each of you should leave everything to each other (spouse) and agree that when the last surviving of you two passes away, whatever you have will be divided EQUALLY between the 3 kids. They are all your kids, it is all your money. It isn't up to your current husband to make up for your daughter's father may or may not do and the same for his kids. Don't worry about what the other biological parents are doing. You do what is fair with your money and assets - divide it equally - or you will rob them of the relationships they have now and will desperately need once you two are gone. Trust me. Been there/Done that!

 

[km]

agree

I agree with the other posts. You and your husband can only control what you have. Don't be concerned with what your stepdaughter may or may not be getting from her biological mother. Like the others have said, if you want all of your girls to maintain a healthy relationship in the event that something should happen to you and your husband - leave everything equally. You should leave assets to all three girls regardless of how long you have been a family, you are a family now. I have seen first hand families and close siblings be torn apart by having to divide up assets. Please straighten this out soon before it causes problems for you and your husband. I also think it is important to keep in perspective that it is just money and things. I would think that the feelings of all three girls should be more important than money and things.

 

[fun_friend]

I hope you are able to leave assets to the next generation. I recommend 3 equal shares disregarding what goes on with other parents. If one of you get a serious disease, you may go through all your assets. You don't know how your girls will inherit from their future inlaws either. You don't know what will finally happen with your daughter's biological dad either--he could leave whatever he has to her in the end. It would be better to be equally generous to the three girls you do have in your family. I know you want them to be harmonious after you are gone. Besides you'll be dead and it won't matter. I'd put all the assets in one pot and after both spouses are gone (you guys inherit from eachother first) the kids split what is left equally.

I just dread for when this comes up in my family. I have 2 stepsisters with my dad and 3 stepbrothers with my mom, not to mention one sis with the same parents I have. I hope their affairs are completely in order when the time comes because I don't want giant riffs in the family fabric then.

 

[tia]

levity to situation

i hope you end up with something to leave!

at this point, if we leave anything to our children, it will be debt! (and they will share that equally!)

 

[mab]

the will

Divide it equally between the 3 of them. It seems as if you and your husband are playing tug of war with your daughters' futures. If you won't give my daughter something, then I'm not giving your daughter anything. You will damage any future relationship your daughters may have if you don't keep it equal. But then maybe that's not an issue for you.

My father-in-law was very wealthy, but he would never decide what he was going to do with his estate. He would play his children one against the other and never talk to them about his estate plans. Three years ago he died suddenly leaving a will that was 40 years old. There was no estate planning, no executor that was still living, it was a MESS! And still is. The estate will be tied up for the next 7 years (farming) with the government, the taxes the estate is paying are huge, and the lawyer is the only one getting anything out of this. But, by far, the worst thing about all of this is that sister and brothers are at each other's throats over everything, they don't speak unless it's too scream at each other. We don't spend holidays together, no celebrating anything. I'm just an in-law, but I can see how much this hurts my husband.

Do yourself and your daughters a favor and divide it equally and know that it will be easier on them in the end.

 

[KellyS]

dividing fairly

Dividing fairly among the girls might be a good idea. But even if we did that there are still concerns. My main concern is my stepdaughter. Now I get along fine with her now and I don't forsee her contesting the will, but you never know. Lets say my husband dies and in his will he leaves a fair amount to his daughter, my daughter, and our daughter. Could my stepdaughter contest the part of the will where my husband gives to my daughter since technically my daughter is not my husband's? My stepdaughter and I get along fine now, but as a teen she was jealous of the fact that my husband paid for things for my daughter such as when my husband helped to pay for my daughter's car when she was 16. My husband always provided for his daughter and helped to pay for her 1st car as well, but as a teen she thought he should only be providing for his biological children and got jealous if my husband bought my daughter expensive things. I think she's gotten over those childish feelings, but you never know what could happen after we're gone.

My other concern is our assets before our marriage. I really didn't have anything before my marriage to my husband. However my husband owns a beach house that he bought before our marriage, but after his divorce to my stepdaughter's mother. Should all the girls inherit the beach house? My name is not on the property, only my husband's. My husband thinks since my name is not on the property then my daughter doesn't get to inherit that. He thinks since he owns the property that his daughter and our daughter should be the only ones to inherit the property. I don't know whats fair on that one since the beach house was before our marriage and the fact that I don't own it.

I really don't know how to settle this. Dividing things equally is a nice idea, but with remarriage it just gets so confusing. One thing I do agree upon is family heirlooms. Any family heirlooms of MY biological family go to my daughter and our daughter and any family heirlooms of my husband's family go to his daughter and our daughter. This is mainly cause my daughter and my stepdaughter do not have bonds with their stepgrandparents and wouldn't even care. My in-laws don't consider my daughter as their granddaughter and my parents don't consider my stepdaughter their granddaughter so neither would want anything from them. They'll talk to their stepgrandparents when we have them over, but they don't really know them all that well.

 

[MrsM]

On the beach house, it would depend on the state where you live and how long you've been married. When I divorced, even if my name hadn't been later put on the house my ex bought before we were married, it was marital property because of the length of the marriage.

The will is for real estate, vehicles, financial accounts. Whatever you decide goes for what is named. If your husband names your daughter, your stepdaughter shouldn't be able to contest it. Because you asked, it sounds like you are going through a do-it-yourself kit instead of a lawyer. I recommend you see a lawyer simply because of it not being a simple marriage.

I say, let your husband decide as he wants to and don't fight him on it. If you feel your daughter needs more, take out an extra life insurance policy on either you or your daughter's father, and name her as the beneficiary.

Here's what my hubby and I are doing, without a fight or a whimper. We signed our wills last fall. If he dies first, everything in the will is left to the spouse, me. Period. Life insurance is outside of the will, so if he wants anything to go to his 4 children, he'll take care of signing the beneficiary papers and figuring out the split. Then when I die, my son gets everything, because his children were already taken care of. That way, I have something to live off of when I'm an old widow. Same thing in reverse, if I die first, my son gets the life insurance policy amount I decided on for him, and my husband gets everything in the will. Then, he later dies, and his 4 kids can fight over everything. My son was already taken care of.

What you haven't mentioned is who the two of you have decided to raise your "our" daughter. If she's still a minor, you need two or three people lined up, in successive order, who would be willing to raise her and take care of the money set aside for her. We laughed, at the time we signed, because my son was 17 and 7 months, and we said for the next 5 months these people are on call.

Good luck, and don't wreck a marriage over this.

 

[BAX]

My opinion

I agree with Kirsten. I just pulled out my in-laws will to see how they worded theirs. In case one should die before the other, ALL property, money, heirlooms, etc... goes to the surviving partner.

When the surviving partner dies (contradiction in terms ) then all remaining property, money, etc... is divided among the surviving children. Heirlooms are specifically designated to whom they should be given upon death of both parents. That way, one child does not end up with everything, or their is not fighting about who gets what.

With the beach house, was it completely paid for prior to the marriage or did you guys end up paying it off after you were married?

If he had owned it prior to marriage, I feel that he should be able to dispose of it as he wishes i.e. given to "his" daughter and "our" daughter. If he aquired the property, but you guys paid for it together over many years, then it should be divided evenly as all other property will be.

"his" daughter's inheritance from you/him should not be dependent upon what she will get from her mother and if you expect him to help you plan for "your" daughter's inheritance you must be willing to do the same for "his" daughter.

 

[fun_friend]

Maybe you could sell the beach house before you die? Then you could split the $$$ 3 ways. My friend's mom left a beach house among her assets and this single piece of real estate caused a serious rift in her family for years. One brother free-loaded there making it unpleasant for the others to use it when they were free. My friend wanted to sell it because ownership with the sisters and brothers was messy and stressful. The others (particularly the freeloader) didn't want to cut it loose because they liked having a beach house for the very occasional vacation, and they claimed sentimentality. Some of the kids didn't even live in the beach state! They eventually sold it and split the money 5 ways.