worried about daughter's future

[ML]

I am so worried about my daughter's future. My daughter is 19 years old and completed high school this past May. I say completed because she didn't graduated. She passed every single one of her classes but did not get a diploma or get to participate in high school graduation. We live in the state of Texas with the TAKS test. My daughter has always struggled with math, and that has always been the class she would get a D in. I got tutors for her and everything imaginable, but she just can't grasp a lot of math. There's still math concepts from middle school she doesn't completely understand. She learns very slowly with math, and made okay grades in her other classes(B's and C's). My daughter has taken the math TAKS test so many times that I've lost count. Last year was her senior year, and she didn't pass it which meant she couldn't graduate. She was devastated and was depressed for weeks because of it. She would tell me that she was the stupidest person on the earth and that she was worthless. I hate hearing her talk like that cause I know she's not those things. She tried to pass it in July so she could graduate with summer school, but didn't. Then in October she took it and almost passed it(4 points away!). It is so agravating for her and me. My daughter wanted to go to college but can't cause she doesn't have a HS diploma. Most jobs want you to have a high school diploma. Its not like my daughter dropped out. The only thing keeping her from her HS diploma is a stupid test. Right now my daughter works as a waitress and lives at home and has the lowest self-esteem you could imagine. She calls herself stupid all the time and tells me that why should she bother with college cause she'll fail at that too. Last spring she wanted to go to college, but after taking the TAKS so many times that dream of hers has completely gone away. She says she sees no point on going to college cause even if she passes the math TAKS test she won't be able to start college until next fall when she's 20 and will have to "waist time" taking developmental math courses. She says 20 is "too old" to be starting college and that it'll take her forever to get through college because of math. My daughter has a serious boyfriend and thinks her only way to survive in this world is to get married to him and have children. She says that being a wife and mother are the only things she'll ever be good at. I don't know how to help her get her self-esteem back. Hopefully she'll pass the math TAKS soon and realize that she can do well academically. Even if she doesn't go to college I want her to have much better self-esteem than she has now.

 

[jrc]

Oh, Boy.....

I really feel for you. California is requiring an exit exam to graduate for the first time this year. It is too bad that we do not have programs which will enable students to learn a trade, and receive something which acknowledges their achievements. My son, (I know this is opposite of your problem), received scholarships for his high scores in High School. He, however, decided that college was not for him, because he didn't know what he wanted to apply it to. I finally convinced him to finish his A.A. He has not gone further. Please tell your daughter that she cannot count on the future of her role as a wife, supported by her husband. (I am sure that you probably have already done this). I went to college, (after marrying and divorcing withing 2 years), for most of my adult life. I had a daughter at the age of 19, and remarried, had a son, at the age of 29. When he was young, I continued to take courses, becoming a teacher at the age of 49!!! 20 is certainly NOT too old for ANYTHING!

 

[ML]

my daughter

I have of course told my daughter that she can't count on being a wife and mother and have her husband support her. However what she sees is that her dad and I have been happily married for 25 years. Her dad has a very sucessful career and when my kids were in preschool and elementary school I was a stay at home mom. But when I married my husband I had a college degree. I taught 2 years and got pregnant. I went back to teaching when my youngest(my 19 year old daughter) started first grade. I could always support myself if I had to. I tell her, that if she just jumps into marriage with no education or any kind of workforce training she will be completely dependent on her husband.

I've talked to my daughter about the college thing. And her reasoning for not going is so ridiculous. Texas also requires college students to take a placement test before taking college-level classes. So she would have about 1 or 2 years of taking remedial classes that wouldn't count towards a degree. So that would make her 22 before she takes actual college level classes. She doesn't think she could handle a full-load, so it would take her probably 5 years after that to finish a Bachelors degree. That would make her 27. She says 27 is too old to be graduating college. I myself was 25 when I got a Bachelors degree and I still lived with my parents!! Age shouldn't matter, but it really matters to her. She thinks she needs to be completely independent and on her own by her mid-20's, and she thinks she'll be a failure if she isn't. I tell her that its a much better decision to take a long time for college and have a professional career making a good living then it would be to never go to college and to work as a waitress her entire life. Hopefully I can convince by next fall to go to college. Right now I've bought her some TAKS books to study so that she can get her HS diploma. Thats the first step. I at least want my daughter to have a HS diploma.

 

[jrc]

Unfortunately, you've reached that point in

the parental road where your children get to make all of their own decisions about there lives. It isn't easy to sit and watch them make choices that we, as experienced adults, would do differently. All you can do is offer your thoughts, encourage her to make "wise" choices, and support her when (and IF) she falls. I have found that there is no time when it is easy to watch my kids (even my 35 year old, Yikes!), make choices that we don't agree with. Hang in there and tackle one thing at a time. You're right, she needs to concentrate on that HS diploma!

 

[bamateach]

Ged

I know that most of us dream of our children walking the graduation road, but perhaps she should consider getting her GED. It is sad that all her hard work in High School can't pay off with a degree, but her life has been on hold long enough for this stupid test. Notice I emphasize the test as being stupid, not the daughter! This really makes me angry for her. Anyhow, with a GED she could go ahead and start college and move on with her life. I speak from experience, by the way. I have my GED and it has in no way held me back. I went to college, even have a Master's degree in counseling. I had absolutely no problem getting a job and don't even think about it now. Perhaps this is an option for her. She has not failed here, our test driven society has! I say forget the stinking test and move on. Good luck to her.

Sorry I jumped the gun and didn't read on to see that she is ready to get married and settle down. If that is the path that she wants to take as a parent you have no choice. Perhaps if you mention that she has other options she will want to try for the degree. There is so much she could do with a degree, but only if she really wants it. Good luck.

 

[jrc]

Oh, my goodness...

I must point out that I used the wrong their in my above post. Guess I shouldn't get on here at 5 am New Year's Day! Sounds like bamateach knows what she is talking about! Give the GED thought a try.

 

[PrivateEyes]

GED is an option or maybe...

I would advise her to try for the GED, so that she could go ahead and register for a community college in the spring. There's no need to wait until next fall. Have you talked to your local community college? Perhaps they would let her start taking courses now while waiting to pass either the GED or the TAKS test. Most community colleges are very flexible.

Or, if that doesn't work, perhaps she might want to look into a program leading to a certificate at ECPI or or a similar school. More importantly, she sounds depressed. I can tell you from experience that people make really bad decisions and avoid challenges when they're depressed. Before anything else, you should encourage her to see a doctor and perhaps have medical treatment to get her out of her depression, before she jumps in to marriage as the answer to all her problems.

 

[ML]

my daughter

First off I don't mean any offense to anyone who has gotten a GED, but my daughter won't even consider it. She says that people who get GED's are people who couldn't get through high school and are usually dropouts and she is not a dropout and doesn't want anyone to think she is one because of getting her GED. I would prefer that she get a HS diploma. Her former HS counselor suggested a GED and I was very upset at him. I explained that my daughter was only lacking the math part of the TAKS so I don't think its necessary for her to get a GED and take tests in all subject areas when she already has passed all of her classes. I told what was the point of her even going to HS if she was going to have to end up getting a GED anyway. I was really mad cause this counselor knew she was lacking in math skills and did nothing. He knew she wouldn't graduate and did not contact me until after I couldn't do anything and was too late. I tried telling him that my daughter WILL get a HS diploma no matter what the school tries to talk me into, and that I resent him trying to talk me into having my daughter get a GED instead of a HS diploma. Instead he should be telling me ways to help my daughter get the HS diploma.

The local community college is an option. They will let her take classes while trying to pass the TAKS test. She'd have to take remedial classes, but then could probably take college-level by next fall or spring. Only thing is, my daughter worries about getting all the way through college but then not having a HS diploma. I told her that she was once 4 points away from passing it, so with enough work on her math skills I really believe she can pass it. And at the worse case, if it looks like she'll never get a HS diploma then she could get the GED. But right now she's so close to getting it, that I want her to try for the HS diploma. I think she'll regret it if she doesn't try to get a HS diploma instead of a GED.

My mother got a GED and also has a Bachelors, Masters and P.h.D. So I know it doesn't hold you back, but still I'd prefer my daughter try for the HS diploma.

 

[PrivateEyes]

I can understand your feelings....

about getting the diploma, since she is so close. Does the TAKS test break down her score into areas of strengths and weaknesses? With only four points away, perhaps working on some areas of weakness would put her over the top!

Meanwhile, even if she's taking remedial math at a local community college, wouldn't she be taking college English, science, social studies, etc? I am quite sure that a college degree will outweigh not having a high school diploma, if it should come to that.

Best wishes for you and your daughter.

 

[dramacentral]

math disability?

Has your daughter ever been evaluated for a learning disability? If she is able to perform in all other areas and is having an unexpectedly hard time with just one area, then it could be dyscalculia (like dyslexia, but specifically in math). It sounds like she may have a specific issue with math that may not be remedied just with more studying using the same approach.

Please check out dyscalculia.org. It has a number of links which may be helpful to you. There are lists of symptoms, recommended math programs, and essays written from the point of view of someone who suffers from a math disability.

If your daughter does turn out to have this problem, then I would start investigating the laws of your state as far as what tests she is required to pass, what accomodations she is entitled to, etc.

I am a special ed teacher with a lot of experience with students who are basically capable but have a real "blind spot" where math is concerned (i.e. reading on grade level but performing math 4 years below grade level) and I know how frustrating it can be. I commend you for continuing to try.

Also, PLEASE tell your daughter that she is not alone. Millions of very smart people have trouble with math. A lot of other kids might have given up and not even taken the tests. She is to be praised for sticking with it this long. It might be worth finding an organization where she can talk to other kids who have also had school problems - either in person or online. Mel Levine's "Keeping A Head in School" is a good book for "demystifying" school problems. It's written with adolescents in mind. It has a very respectful approach and emphasizes how to advocate for yourself. You may want to get her a copy, or look it over for yourself. The adult version is called "A Mind at a Time".

Good luck!