Would you be concerned

[Miss C]

My very best friend (we had been best friends since high school) got married back in May, and I've become increasingly concerned about her. Let me tell you some of the details of the situation:
#1: She started dating the guy in August and was engaged by Christmas, married in May.
#2: Since she met him, she has kind of gradually alienated herself from all of the friends she had before (not just me). I think she's contacted me twice since the wedding (I was the MOH and there were no fights or anything). Any other time I've talked to her, it's been me making the overture. She always seems glad to talk. She just doesn't initiate. Another friend calls and hubby ALWAYS answers the phone. Sometimes, she's told "Yes, I think she can talk for just a minute." WHAT?!?!?
#3: She lives two and a half hours away in the middle of a cow pasture in the country with NO friends there.
#4: She was pregnant within weeks of the wedding.
#5: Found out last night that hubby "won't let her" drive in the country. Not even to the grocery store. Nothing. No visits home on her own. Zip. Zilch. Nada. He works 45 mins away in the city, and she waits for him to get home, then they go back out to run errands and stuff. She's not working. Just sits home. WHAT'S WRONG WITH DRIVING IN THE COUNTRY?!?!? She used to work in a less-than-desirable part of our city and drove there by herself all the time.
#6: I said something about going to visit her over the summer (just for a weekend), and she made it clear that if I came I needed to bring her Mom with me so she could see her Mom. I didn't go.
Now, her Mom seems to think most of this (especially the no driving in the country by herself thing) is really sweet, and that my friend is really, really happy. However, just for the record, I wouldn't take her Mom's opinion on much of anything. Anyway, none of the things that I mentioned count for a whole lot on their own, but added up, I'm thinking that they're cause for concern. Should I be worried about her? If so, what should I do about it? Opinions, please!

 

[kyteacher1]

Touchy issue

Yes, you worrying sounds justified, but there's really not much you can do. It sounds like your friend has married a control freak. However, if you want to lose her as a friend permantly the best way to do that is to try and open up this can of worms with her. It wont do any good. Her husband wears the pants in that family and until your friend gets tired of this there's really nothing you can actually do. Be certain that if you say something she WILL tell her husband what you said and he won't like it. I know you dont care what he thinks, but she does.
I am a very independant married woman, but a good friend of mine married a man like that guy you mentioned and she caters to his every whim and does whatever he says. IT DROVE ME CRAZY to see this happening to her. She became this docile woman who catered to his every whim and it was sad and pathatic but nothing I said made any difference.
You can continue to contact your friend but be careful not to be judgemental. She may start to avoid you altogether if she thinks your trying to rock the boat with her marriage. Offer her a listening ear if she needs to talk and always let her know your there for her but it may be time for you to start to move on. Some women like to be taken care of and have the men make all the decisions. It's sad and I dont understand it either but that's how some people are.
Try to visit on occasion maybe when you know her husband is not home. Just surprise her every once and awhile and if it's not well recieved then at least you tried.
Good luck - I hope your friend begins to see what a sad life she is in for.

 

[Miss C]

Thanks

I've been thinking kind of the same thing. One other concern that I forgot to mention was this: Though her parents were together when she was growing up, her dad was very uninvolved. When friend was a teenager, her parents split up, and her dad has pretty much rejected her because she wanted to stay with her mom. I'm wondering if she's overcompensated for an uninvolved dad with an overinvolved husband. I just really hope she's okay. Thanks for the advice!

 

[Juli]

Sleeping With the Enemy

Julia Roberts watch out! This sounds way out of the ordinary and dangerous! Your friend may be having regrets and not know how to correct it - or be too scared to. Continue giving as much support as you can. Does she have a computer/internet access? Her husband would probably control this form of communication as well. If you did go for a visit I you may want to take her Mom or another person - safety in numbers, you know. Good luck to both of you.

 

[Ima Teacher]

I'll agree that there could be a problem, and you know your friend best. . . but it's not a sure thing there's a problem.

#1--If getting married soon were a recipe for disaster, there are lots of us in trouble. Friend 1--met & married within 6 months, married 15 years. Friend 2--met & married within 7 months, married 6 years. Me--met in mid 99, married in late 2000, just celebrated 5 years. My parents--married within 3 months of meeting, married 39 years.

#2--I was recently talking to one of my friends, and we discussed how we've ALL drifted away from each other over the years. We were so busy getting our house remodeled our first year together that we hardly had time to do ANYTHING. When I call one friend, her husband always says "I guess you can talk to her for a few minutes." He's JOKING.

#3--Just about everything around here is in the middle of a cow pasture. . . no comment on that one.

#4--Did she not WANT kids this soon? Did she not want kids at all?

#5--My DH doesn't like me to drive by myself at night. He also likes to go places with me, so he'll ask me NOT to go certain places sometimes so he can go with me later. If I say I'll be home at 4:00 and don't show up, my phone is ringing. I'm very independent--and didn't marry until age 30--so it really got on my nerves at first. Now I don't pay any attention to it. That's just how my DH is.

#6--Did you not go because you were asked to bring her mother?

If your friend isn't expressing any concerns to you, and you're not around her much then you might do more harm than good by acting like there's a problem. Sometimes things that are probably well-intentioned don't come across that way when they actually materialize.

 

[MKat]

I would be concerned too and would also recommend a surprise "pop in" visit to determine whether she seems afraid that she'll get in trouble. While I agree some of these things could be perfectly normal, the idea that she's not allowed to drive any where (even to the grocery store or to visit her family) is a huge red flag!

 

[DM]

maybe...

Is it possible she is having trouble with her pregnancy? Maybe she isn't supposed to exert herself much, so he doesn't want her to take a chance by driving alone. Same for the phone thing--if she's on bed rest or something she might not be able to get to the phone easily. Some people don't feel comfortable sharing such things, so maybe things just seem funny.

Maybe going with her mom is a good idea. Seeing her in her own home might help put your mind at ease.

 

[Krissy]

Be worried

There is nothing wrong with being worried. I was and it helped my best friend. I was in a similar situation as you are now. I was friends with my best friend since we were kids. We were practically sisters. Our families took vacations together, we went to school together and eventually went to college together.

While in college junior year she met a guy that I didn't exactly think was right for her, but she fell for him. I was in my own relationship and the distance between us started to grow. I graduated senior year and she was taking an extra semester to graduate. I moved in with my fiance and got my first teaching job. At the same time, her boyfriend convinced her to move out of the dorm and move into an apartment with him. Mind you, we dormed an hour from home. I moved back to our area where we grew up and he got them an apartment 30 minutes from the school, but in the opposite direction. Now she was an hour and a half away from me. Then the problems started.

I would go visit her every Saturday and we would spend the day together. Then she got engaged. Then she stopped calling. When I would call, he always had an excuse as to why she couldn't come to the phone or she was out. She rarely even took my calls to her cell phone. Her parents and brother were concerned as was I. I finally drove out there one night knowing he was working and found her crying her eyes out all alone in her apartment. She wouldn't talk, she just asked that I take her away from that place. It turns out that he was a complete control freak. He was abusing her verbally and emotionally. He hadn't hit her yet, but she was afraid he would.

I can't tell you how happy I am that I went there that night and got her out of that awful environment. She is now in a great relationship with a friend of my fiance. She is in a much healthier relationship and our friendship is stronger than ever.

I am not saying that this is the case with your friend, but you never know. I wouldn't give up so easily. Try to get to the bottom of things. If it is nothing, then fine, you did your part. But, what if something serious is going on? I just wanted you to know that someone has been in your shoes before.

 

[SC]

Sounds fishy to me

You're right...On their own, none of these things sound strange, but I think her husband could potentially be abusive, if he's not already. Spouse abusers usually live in a secluded area, cut off contact from the family, and demonstrate control issues. It seems to me that this girl's husband is doing all of the things that are common.

When I was in college, we had a guest speaker. The speaker was actually a college student, and she had been abused. She described pretty much everything that your friend is going through. She said that at the time, she didn't think it was a sign of the things to come, but looking back she can see it. She's now a divorced mother of 2.

In the same class, they taught us how to deal with friends who are being abused. You shouldn't go over there alone because the man could abuse you too. Be there for your friend, but she may not listen to you if she doesn't see the problems herself.

 

[MrsB456]

Maybe your gut is telling you something I just did not pick up in your message. I married my husband 6 weeks after I met him () and we have been together for 18 years. I also got pregnant a couple of months after we got married and I also drifted away from my friends. My best friend and I were together all the time, now we have to work really hard to make sure we see each other a couple of times per year. It is called growing up and getting a lot of responsibilities. I also live out with the cows. So I'm not picking up on what your concerns are.